Friday, May 06, 2005

It’s a “talk to the hand” kind of thang all up on it in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Hooker U (Inspired by KGB Dave Rickerts of the top San Diego morning show “Dave, Shelly and Chainsaw)

In San Francisco there is a school for prostitutes called "Whore College". They teach women -and men - how to be good hookers. In fact, it’s the only school where, if you do well, you can graduate Magna Cum Loudly.

You kind of are forced to wonder what a college for prostitutes uses for their team mascot? They could go with a bird theme and call themselves the Swallows.

After all, Oregon State already used the name . . . nope, even I can't go that low.

Things are different at Whore College. It takes on an entirely differant meaning when they have to cram for finals.

What happens when you flunk out of Whore College? You make the best of it and get a job running for public office.

"No, seriously, officer, I was just trying to help her study for midterms."

Keep on going
Tony Blair – and his labor party – won the election in Britain. Upon hearing this, President Bush said he was glad Blair won the election in Britain and hopes Blair can go on to win in England as well.

Not good
Did you have a good Cinco De Mayo? I may have overdone it. I had a few margaritas and ended up at the Albuquerque bus station with a striped towel on my head.

That's right, yesterday was Cinco de Mayo. So that makes today, if you over-did the Margaritas, like I did, Puke in De Sink-O de Mayo.

That would solve that
Runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks girlfriends said she ran off because she is nervous about being a virgin. If that’s the case than she should just go out with Tom Cruise.

Yelling and screaming all over town, kinda like Paris herself
There was reported cheering and yelling of “That’s hot” in the movie theaters when Paris Hilton’s character in “House of Wax” gets brutally murdered. And not just from Nicole Richey.

Apparently the cheering was wide spread. And if there is anything Paris knows about, it’s wide spread.

He’s done this before
A 70-year-old British actress, Dame Eileen Atkins, claims Colin Farrell hit on her. This isn’t the first time Farrell has hit on a 70-year-old woman. His vibrating bed is hooked up to a clapper.

Proof positive
The highest paid team by far, the New York Yankees, are in a tie for last place in their division. The Yankees are proof that there is no connection between doing well and being well paid. Make that the Yankees, congress and the cast of “Joey.”

Besides that
The Kentucky Derby has been billed as the most exciting two minutes in sports that doesn’t involve Kobe Bryant and room service.

My Old Kentucky Home
Although Bellamy Road is the odds on favorite, you can still get pretty good odds that Steinbrenner’s horse finishes behind the Boston Red Sox.

The Kentucky Derby is Saturday. Last year’s Kentucky Derby winner, Smarty Jones, is scheduled for 110 breeding “dates” this year. That’s five more than Paris Hilton.

Smarty has had 80 breeding “dates” this year. Five more dates and they will have to change Smarty’s name to Colin Farrell.

And finally, back to the sick Irish guy and the old broad
A 70-year-old British actress, Dame Eileen Atkins, claims Colin Farrell hit on her on their movie set. Atkins and Farrell will appear in the upcoming film “Ask the Dust.” Or, as the cast is calling “Ask the Dust” behind Farrell’s back: “Lust for Dust.”

Since you asked:
The favorite horse in my (Yes, I was born in Louisville so that automatically makes me an expert in horse racing) Kentucky Derby, Bellamy Road, is owned by New York Yankee owner George Steinbrenner. Many horse experts think the odds on Bellamy Road at 5-2 are higher –and may go higher still- than they should be for this overwhelming favorite because so many people don’t like Steinbrenner and won’t bet on Bellamy as a result.

Hmm, I might just place a bet on Bellamy Road just as soon as I spread the rumor that Steinbrenner’s silent partner is Osama bin Laden.

If you’ve read or seen anything about the big stripper-gate trial here in San Diego (City officials accused of taking bribes from strip club owners over dropping the “no touch” rule) it was probably written by the wildly talented and award-winning San Diego Union Tribune feature journalist, Kelly Thornton.

Kelly Thornton just also happens to be the, as I call her, smoking hot babe with the great pipes lead singer for the band I play harmonica with, The Mitigators. Oh yeah, every guy in the band is in serious crush with Kelly.

However, deep down, we all know that the talented and beautiful Miss Kelly really has a thing for the big, goofy, albeit oddly-sexy-in-a-brutish-ruggedly-handsome-kind-of-way smart-ass harp player. (And no, I don’t mean that big wooden plucky-thingy, harp is a nickname for harmonica, as you probably know)

What color is the sky in my world? Today it is a beautiful lime green with pretty, pretty polka-dot clouds, thanks for asking.

Derby Update:

As tomorrow is the holiest of holies for us native Louisvilleans, I must now share my recipe for the perfect mint julep.

The morning of the Derby, at dawn, go down to the lush banks of the Ohio river and pluck fresh mint that is still moist from the morning dew as you are serenaded by the sweet strains of the Whippoorwills. Crush ice blocks made of branch water using a burlap bag to obtain the perfect texture. Buy confectionary sugar from Louisville’s oldest and finest candy maker, Muth’s Candy Store on 630 East Market Street. (Stop by and say "howdy" to the kind folks down at Hillerich and Bradsby)

Now for the bourbon.

We don’t have enough time to discuss the merits of all the fine bourbons from Kentucky, but pick your favorite and make sure it is a damn smooth one at that.

Take your freshly picked mint, your finest confectionary sugar from Muth’s, and your carefully-crushed-in-a burlap-bag branch water ice and put it all together in one place. Got it? Good.

Now throw all of that crap away and just drink the damn bourbon, you Nancy-boy.

No self-respecting Kentuckian would drink something as silly as a mint julep, no such ways, no how.

Yeah hear?