Thursday, May 05, 2005

If you don’t know, Cinco De Mayo is the holiday where Mexico, I believe, celebrates the famous sinking of the French ship, Mayonnaise, hence, Cinco de Mayo.

Oh, yeah, they gonna get up on it now para la Sinko of De Mayonnaise, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

We’ve seen this, haven’t we?
Movie goers have reportedly been cheering wildly when Paris Hilton’s character in “House of Wax” gets killed. I don’t know why, you’d think they’d be used to seeing Paris getting nailed.

Hola, Slatternas y Nuggetios
Happy Cinco De Mayo. If you don’t know, Cinco De Mayo is Spanish for; “Who are all these Minutemen at the border?”

Actually, Cinco De Mayo in Spanish means; “Yankees Suck in May.”

Now he’s a fighter, not a lover
Bill Clinton announced he is going to fight obesity. Apparently Clinton has decided he’d rather fight obesity than date it.

Or Yanker
Paris Hilton’s publicist claims Paris makes $200,000 a party appearance. Paris makes so much money for doing absolutely nothing that today she was named an honorary New York Yankee.

Better known as
Scott Savol was kicked off “American Idol.” But don’t worry, Scott got a nice consolation prize, or as the “American Idol” consolation prize is otherwise known: Paula Abdul.

That explains it
The Government says it has lost $100 million dollars in Iraq. Apparently the U.S. - Iraqi finances are being run by Michael Jackson.

Why? Why so skeptical?
A poll reveals that most people think that the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes romance is a publicity stunt. Now why would anyone think that? She’s an admitted virgin and he has denied being gay more than Mike Piazza and Ryan Seacrest combined. Seems like a normal couple to me.

I, uh, I did not know that
Did you hear about that guy who got a ticket on the freeway in Los Angeles? Apparently it’s illegal to use the body of your murdered shooting victim to drive in the car pool lane.

There have been twelve shootings on Southern California freeways. 405 isn’t just a freeway, it’s the millimeter of the bullets used on it.

Face of mass destruction
The not guilty verdict was tossed out in the trial of Abu Ghraib prison abuser guard Lynndie England. They say they didn’t find any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? How about that mug on Lynndie England? That face is one mass weapon of destruction right there.

Either or
George Lucas has described the upcoming “Star Wars III” as a “Titanic” in space. That either means it’s either a romance/disaster movie or it features an annoying song by Celine Deon.

What is in that Guinness?
Colin Farrell is unbelievable. Apparently a 70-year-old British actress, Dame Eileen Atkins, claims Farrell hit on her. Colin claims Dame Atkins didn’t understand he meant a diet when he said he wanted get on Atkins.

This isn’t the first time Farrell has hit on a 70-year-old woman. In fact, Colin is the only single guy who has one of those super glide stair lift chairs installed in his bachelor pad.

This officially moves Colin Farrell ahead of Bill O’Reilly and Pat O’Brien in the “Horniest Irishman in the world” contest.

Next year we’ll get 6/6/06
Did you know that today is 5/5/05? Today we have more fives than at a Michael Jackson sleep-over.

The shot not heard around the world
Michael Bolton is out on tour which has prompted comments of; “Oh, I can’t wait to see him in concert” from practically nobody.

Not getting any taller
The New England Patriots have signed 43-year-old diminutive quarterback Doug Flutie. You know, people shrink as they get older. They better hurry up and use Flutie before he resembles a helmet resting on top of a pair of cleats.

Since you asked:
OK, fine, so I wasn’t named Pope, and not one team in the NFL drafted me, and no, I am nowhere to be found in “People” magazine’s top fifty most beautiful issue. So what? As a comedy writer, I am huge, huge, I say, in Paducah and Saskatoon. Not to mention Boise.

What am I doing for Cinco de Mayo – which, if you don’t know, is Spanish for “The Mayo is in the sink”? Maggies, my Slats and Nuggies. Many Margaritas (right-thinking Mags are on the rocks, no salt) with my buddies Kevin “Juan” Perron and Bruce Miller at Cabos, a fairly feisty and festive local Mexican joint (pronounced: Jernt) Great pollo asada quesadillas is what I’m talkin’ about.

Come on bye and my buddy "Juan" Perron will buy you a Maggie.