Monday, May 02, 2005

Oh, yeah, we can take that, and then we give it right back with a little extry ‘tude thrown in, ahhh-ight, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

On pins and needles
Two days after Katie Holmes publicists announced Katie was dating Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise’s publicists confirmed it. Oh, sweet relief. Finally we can all go back and try and continue with our lives.

It’s true Hollywood is high school with money. “Susie said that Ryan said that Megan said that Tom’s publicist said that Tom likes Katie.” Are they passing notes during class? Is Katie signing her name as Katie Cruise on her notebook fifty times, dotting the I in Cruise with a heart?

If you like Tom so much why don’t you like marry him, Katie, and have like a million of his babies why don’t you?

Running wild
The bride from Georgia, Jennifer Willbanks, who disappeared after jogging, has now shown up. She just got nervous while running and took off. See? That’s why I don’t jog. It makes you crazy. You'd never see Star Jones take off from her wedding.

It’s sort of the Trailer Park version of Julia Robert’s “The Runaway Bride.”

The bride got scared and took off running. Unlike the Prince Charles, Camilla Parker Bowles wedding, there people got scared and took of running after looking at the bride.

Ewww, extra sausage . . .
A former pizza delivery guy, Tim Petrovich, won $990,000 Zurich classic. The good news is that he’s doing well on the PGA tour, the bad news is he will no longer have beautiful women in lingerie offering to pay him for the pizza with sex, as we all know from the porn movies. Uh, or so I’ve heard . . .

Let my people go
At the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner, First Lady, Laura Bush, brought down the house with a hilarious monologue. That was good, Ms. Bush, but could we have our writers back please? The First Lady’s Bogart’ing our writers.

Don’t touch, don’t ask
There is a big trial in San Diego over city councilmen involved with strip club owners and the “no touch” rule. The “no touch” rule means it’s illegal for strip club customers to touch the girls anywhere. It’s the same rule Michael Jackson had written into his prenuptial agreement.

Michael Jackson’s ex-wife testified that Michael was a loving father of their children; for example, when Michael would play “I’ve got your nose” with them, they really got his nose.

Study the melted butter instead
A study claims that lobsters feel no pain when boiled. Another study reveals that nobody, outside of PETA whackos, cares if lobsters feel pain when boiled.

Hate that when that happens
A study reveals that obesity can cause dementia. When asked to comment, Kirstie Alley declined saying she didn’t have her protective tin foil hat so the aliens were controlling her thoughts.