Oh, now, we just getting our silly on is all, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
A change in the Bill
Former President Clinton will be leading a campaign to fight obesity. Fighting obesity represents a change for Clinton; when he was dating Monica Lewinski he was only wrestling with obesity.
Three exceptions
Cape May, NJ has dropped its 30 year-old-ban on Speedos for men. Now anyone can wear a Speedo at Cape May with the notable exceptions of the three men specifically: Rubin Stoddard, Michael Moore and Camilla Parker Bowles.
How are you supposed to top that?
The runaway Georgia bride, Jennifer Wilbank’s fiancé says he still wants to marry her. How can that work? This is a woman who has now seen the wonder and the glory that is the Albuquerque bus station. How is he going to keep her home?
Note to self: buy stock in Hershey
The newest spa treatment uses chocolate. Women get chocolate massages and bathe in chocolate. That just may work. Why, you should have seen how vibrant and healthy that finger tip looked when it came out of that guy’s chocolate custard in North Carolina. Why, it was glowing.
American Idle
A former “American Idol” contestant, Corey Clark, wrote a book that claims he slept with judge Paula Abdul. And there was another “Idol” judge sexually implicated as well. Apparently Simon Cowell told Clark to go screw himself.
That will happen
In a recent interview, Jennifer Lopez says she wants to be the first female U.S. President. Although Lopez admits she is more physically qualified to be a Rear Admiral.
Well, except for him
Former child actor Gary Coleman is now doing commercials for CashCall, a company that says it will loan money to anyone. However, when Coleman asked for an advance on his pay check, CashCall laughed and said no freakin’ way.
My ol’ Kentucky home
Guess what newlywed couple is rumored to be attending this weekend’s Kentucky Derby? Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles. Camilla won’t actually be attending, more like participating.
New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has a horse running in the Kentucky Derby. Well, not running exactly. Like the Yankees, the horse will simply relieve itself on the track and then take a nap on a pile of George’s thousand dollar bills.
Steinbrenner’s horse is pretty fast. It’s a two-to-one favorite to beat Camilla Parker Bowles.
Same odds
Three Sacramento golfers passed a polygraph test after they all claimed to hit successive holes-in-one. The odds of that are 270 trillion to one. To put that in perspective, 270 trillion to one are the same odds that Pat O’Brien will ever have a three-way with Angelina Jolie and Heather Graham.
Sad but true
Rumor has it that Jennifer Garner is pregnant with fiancé Ben Affleck’s child. Experts predict the child’s birth will be heavily promoted but, sadly, the kid will bomb at the box office and then languish at video stores.
Worked like a charm
A New York state firefighter who was left brain-damaged and mute for 9 ½ years suddenly started talking and now he won’t shut up. It seems those blood transfusions from those chicks from “The View” paid off.
Exciting times ahead
Did you hear that Bill and Hillary Clinton will renew their wedding vows? Bill is very excited, he said it will be like he is cheating on Hillary all over again.
It adds up
Paris Hilton’s publicist claims Paris makes $200,000 a party appearance. In other words, Paris gets five bucks for every time she says; “That’s hot.”
Paris Hilton wants to drop the name Hilton because she doesn’t want to be known to her fans as simply a hotel heiress. It seems Paris would prefer to be known as the drunk, green-colored skank that we know from her sex video.
Let’s think about that for a second . . . oh, thank you, thank you, thank . . . you
In her “Vanity Fair” interview, Angelina Jolie said; “Ever since I dated a woman, I know what it is to grab a curve on a woman's body. Skinny's not fine when the lights are low." Or as I call that; “What all men will be thinking about the next time they have a quiet moment.”
Speaking of someone, like Paris, who gets drunk and says hot a lot
The big Dr. Phil interview of Pat O’Brien is tonight. Finally, once and for all, we are going to find out which one these two guys has the ugliest porn-star mustache.
In addition Dr. Phil and Pat O’Brien are also finalists in the “Guy that OK’s checks at the Grocery Store” look-alike contest
And finally
In Serbia, a 67-year-old woman announced that she was expecting to have a child, but doctors say it turned out to be a fake pregnancy. The relieved husband could not comment as he was too busy furiously flushing his Viagra down the toilet.
Since you asked:
So there we are, Miss Thing and yours truly driving from the store when my alarm on my watch goes off at 5:20 pm. That’s the one set to alert me for the replay of “Chainsaw Sports” on 101.5 FM, KGB, one of the sports guys I write for. So I tell Ann Caroline,
“Hey, let’s listen and see if you can hear one of my jokes.” Ann Caroline said;
“I know what you can say that is funny. Hanna said it today in school and everybody laughed.”
“What?” I asked. In her little angel voice, just as pretty as you please, she said;
“Fart.”
A change in the Bill
Former President Clinton will be leading a campaign to fight obesity. Fighting obesity represents a change for Clinton; when he was dating Monica Lewinski he was only wrestling with obesity.
Three exceptions
Cape May, NJ has dropped its 30 year-old-ban on Speedos for men. Now anyone can wear a Speedo at Cape May with the notable exceptions of the three men specifically: Rubin Stoddard, Michael Moore and Camilla Parker Bowles.
How are you supposed to top that?
The runaway Georgia bride, Jennifer Wilbank’s fiancé says he still wants to marry her. How can that work? This is a woman who has now seen the wonder and the glory that is the Albuquerque bus station. How is he going to keep her home?
Note to self: buy stock in Hershey
The newest spa treatment uses chocolate. Women get chocolate massages and bathe in chocolate. That just may work. Why, you should have seen how vibrant and healthy that finger tip looked when it came out of that guy’s chocolate custard in North Carolina. Why, it was glowing.
American Idle
A former “American Idol” contestant, Corey Clark, wrote a book that claims he slept with judge Paula Abdul. And there was another “Idol” judge sexually implicated as well. Apparently Simon Cowell told Clark to go screw himself.
That will happen
In a recent interview, Jennifer Lopez says she wants to be the first female U.S. President. Although Lopez admits she is more physically qualified to be a Rear Admiral.
Well, except for him
Former child actor Gary Coleman is now doing commercials for CashCall, a company that says it will loan money to anyone. However, when Coleman asked for an advance on his pay check, CashCall laughed and said no freakin’ way.
My ol’ Kentucky home
Guess what newlywed couple is rumored to be attending this weekend’s Kentucky Derby? Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles. Camilla won’t actually be attending, more like participating.
New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has a horse running in the Kentucky Derby. Well, not running exactly. Like the Yankees, the horse will simply relieve itself on the track and then take a nap on a pile of George’s thousand dollar bills.
Steinbrenner’s horse is pretty fast. It’s a two-to-one favorite to beat Camilla Parker Bowles.
Same odds
Three Sacramento golfers passed a polygraph test after they all claimed to hit successive holes-in-one. The odds of that are 270 trillion to one. To put that in perspective, 270 trillion to one are the same odds that Pat O’Brien will ever have a three-way with Angelina Jolie and Heather Graham.
Sad but true
Rumor has it that Jennifer Garner is pregnant with fiancé Ben Affleck’s child. Experts predict the child’s birth will be heavily promoted but, sadly, the kid will bomb at the box office and then languish at video stores.
Worked like a charm
A New York state firefighter who was left brain-damaged and mute for 9 ½ years suddenly started talking and now he won’t shut up. It seems those blood transfusions from those chicks from “The View” paid off.
Exciting times ahead
Did you hear that Bill and Hillary Clinton will renew their wedding vows? Bill is very excited, he said it will be like he is cheating on Hillary all over again.
It adds up
Paris Hilton’s publicist claims Paris makes $200,000 a party appearance. In other words, Paris gets five bucks for every time she says; “That’s hot.”
Paris Hilton wants to drop the name Hilton because she doesn’t want to be known to her fans as simply a hotel heiress. It seems Paris would prefer to be known as the drunk, green-colored skank that we know from her sex video.
Let’s think about that for a second . . . oh, thank you, thank you, thank . . . you
In her “Vanity Fair” interview, Angelina Jolie said; “Ever since I dated a woman, I know what it is to grab a curve on a woman's body. Skinny's not fine when the lights are low." Or as I call that; “What all men will be thinking about the next time they have a quiet moment.”
Speaking of someone, like Paris, who gets drunk and says hot a lot
The big Dr. Phil interview of Pat O’Brien is tonight. Finally, once and for all, we are going to find out which one these two guys has the ugliest porn-star mustache.
In addition Dr. Phil and Pat O’Brien are also finalists in the “Guy that OK’s checks at the Grocery Store” look-alike contest
And finally
In Serbia, a 67-year-old woman announced that she was expecting to have a child, but doctors say it turned out to be a fake pregnancy. The relieved husband could not comment as he was too busy furiously flushing his Viagra down the toilet.
Since you asked:
So there we are, Miss Thing and yours truly driving from the store when my alarm on my watch goes off at 5:20 pm. That’s the one set to alert me for the replay of “Chainsaw Sports” on 101.5 FM, KGB, one of the sports guys I write for. So I tell Ann Caroline,
“Hey, let’s listen and see if you can hear one of my jokes.” Ann Caroline said;
“I know what you can say that is funny. Hanna said it today in school and everybody laughed.”
“What?” I asked. In her little angel voice, just as pretty as you please, she said;
“Fart.”
posted by Alex at
3:03 PM
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