Wednesday, September 22, 2004

We bangin' then we hangin' up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

No, I think it was the Cubs
*Today is the first day of Fall, so tomorrow is the Autumnal Equinox; When asked about the Autumnal Equinox, President Bush said; “Didn’t he play third base for Boston?”

Equal time
*It’s been reported that, in his recent speeches, John Kerry has been talking more about religion and God. It’s true, today Kerry said; “Jesus, my poll numbers suck.”

He showed him
*This weekend in Oklahoma, Macaulay Culkin pulled over by police and arrested for possession of a controlled dangerous substance. Actually Culkin was delighted, his last agent told him, as an actor, Culkin couldn’t get arrested.

The arresting officer listed Culkin’s profession as actor, so the case will have to be thrown out.

Follow this, Moonshadow
*Yusuf Islam, formerly known as Cat Stevens, forced a Washington, D.C.-bound United Airlines flight to land in Maine after his name popped up on a U.S. terrorist watch list. He was also questioned about his latest single; “Morning Has Broken, Like We are Going to Break the American Infidel Dogs.”

I got news for you, Cat, sweetheart, if you pick the last name Islam, you might want to look into chartering private jets instead of flying commercial.

A fine whine
*The people who got a free car from Oprah are complaining because of the $28,000 extra income for the car, they have to pay about $7,000 in taxes. Some people are never happy; if you gave them eternal youth they would whine about all the homework.

Say it ain’t so, Britney
*The Drudge report claims that Britney Spears faked her wedding. As opposed to Jennifer Lopez who simply fakes her marriages.

CBS says it has a valid copy of Britney’s marriage certificate, so it probably is a fake.

Now that would be a game
*Tiger Woods latest video game, “Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2005” is out. If Tiger Woods wants this video to sell he’d have it rush through the stupid golf game and show him going home to his Swedish bikini model wife, Elin Nordegin.

Not likely
*Have you seen the Office Depot commercials featuring Donald Trump? As if Donald Trump has ever stepped foot in an Office Depot. Martha Stewart has spent more time in K-Mart than Trump has spent in an Office Depot.

Can you see Trump shopping for office supplies? “These post it notes are on sale. What a deal.”

Name that tune
“American Idol” winner Rueben Stoddard announced his next album will be a Gospel album. His first single is “Christ, Could I Use a Cheeseburger.”

Potential plumbing problems postponed
*Cal. State University San Marcus said it would be illegal to pay school funds for an appearance by Michael Moore. In addition, it just wouldn’t be a good idea: San Marcos has low-flow toilets.

“I said LIFO, not FIFO.” Ahh, nothing like a little accounting humor
*Interstate Bakeries Corp. the makers of Twinkies, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. And, due to their extended shelf life, they had to switch Twinkies from a perishable to a long-term asset.

Poor Martha
Martha Stewart said that, while she was in prison for five months, she would miss her two dogs, her seven cats, her canaries, horses and even her chickens. Upon which her pets replied, “Five months of relief, thank you sweet mercy.”

Since you asked:
I’ve mentioned the younger of our two yellow labs, Wrigley. Every morning for Wrigley is “Groundhog Day,” he wakes up at 6:22 am, he goes through the same routine, and eats the exact same food. And every single morning, Wrigley is more excited than a little kid on his birthday. I don’t know whether that’s wonderful or pathetic. It’s like having a loved one with Alzheimer’s disease who has regressed to four-years-old and thinks every morning is Christmas Day. You don’t know whether to feel sorry for them or for yourself.

Kasey, our older lab, is more worldly and slightly cynical.

A note on Tyler Hamilton:
That sucks. Yes, you are not supposed to blood dope. But you sort of have to feel horrible for Tyler. Granted, blood doping is bad, but he didn't know he was being tested for it. I know cheating is cheating, but haven't we all cheated? The other day I caught myself looking at my six-year-old daughter's cards in a fierce game of "Rat-a-tat-cat."

If everyone else cheats is it still cheating? In the Tour De France, it's not the cheating that's damning - everyone cheats - it's getting caught that is the evil.

Remember, in Munich in 1972, when Steve Prefontaine lost to Finland's Lasse Viren while more than just rumors of Viren's blood doping abounded? Viren got the gold and Pre lost. We got screwed, right? Well, why the hell didn't Prefontaine dope his blood? It couldn't be detected in tests back then. Didn't Pre want to win as badly as Viren? You cannot tell me that if it was an option, Prefontaine wouldn't have used any method he could.

It's kind of like giving a kid a test and leaving the answer book in the room with him. Then you announce, "I will be leaving you alone, but, whatever you do, don't cheat." What you don't tell him is that there is a hidden camera monitoring him. Will the kid cheat? Yes. Will he get caught? Yes. Is it fair? No, not totally.