Monday, June 28, 2004

We slammin’ in da rizzy wit my road dogs now, my brizzy, Torn slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A big day
*Craig Stadler and his son Kevin both won golf tournaments on the same day. It was a big day for the Stadlers and a bad day for the proponents of the “Golfers are finely tuned athletes” argument.

It was a big day for the Stadler family, but, if you’ve seen Craig and Kevin, you know every day is a big day for the Stadler family.

Historical conference
*The U.S.-led coalition in Iraq transferred sovereignty over to the Iraqi interim government today in a hasty ceremony dubbed the Good Riddance conference.

That’s one heck of a day
*Rapper DMX faces up to seven years in jail after being charged with cocaine possession after trying to steal a car claiming he was a federal agent, then crashing another vehicle through an airport car-park gate. That’s a busy day even for Courtney Love.

*Friday was “Take your dog to work” day. On the “Today Show” Matt Lauer’s dog got a really bad haircut, and Katie Couric’s dog got a colonoscopy.

Ewww 2
*A judge in Oklahoma was charged with masturbating under his robes while a court case was going on. It brought a whole new meaning to beating the rap.

Or, as we call it . . .

*German scientists have discovered a five-year-old boy that is more than twice as strong and muscular as a normal child. Or as we in California call someone who is really muscular, speaks German and has the mind of a child: Governor Schwarzenegger.

Fingers crossed
*Britney Spears is engaged to her backing dancer Kevin Federline; She has been dating him for two months. Now that her knee is better, if Britney stays healthy, she is on pace to beat Jennifer Lopez’s marriage record.

I choose not to be cynical and predict this hasty celebrity marriage will stand the test of time just as I am certain that Britney is engaged to the one and only straight backing male dancer in recorded history.

Britney is marrying a backing male dancer? Was Liza Minella’s ex, David Gest already spoken for? Who’s the best man, Richard Simmons?

Not to brag, but
*It is estimated that Smarty Jones stud fee will fetch between $75,000 and $100,000. Not to tell tales out of school, when I was younger, I was once offered $75,000 to mate; sadly, I had to tell the woman I just couldn’t afford to pay that kind of money.

Super Freakie Trekkie
*Star Trek’s Jeri Ryan said her ex-husband, Jack Ryan, a republican candidate for the Senate, forced her to perform sex acts in front of strangers at sex clubs. Now Ryan has had to back out of the election and Dick Cheney was furious. You should have heard what Cheney told Ryan to do.

When asked to comment, a Star Trek fans asked; “What is sex, exactly?”

Ryan has had to back out of the election. But Ryan may return to the election running under the Super Freak party ticket.

Lost in Translation
*Last week, Madonna announced she is changing her name to her Kabbalah name, Esther. Esther is an old name from Judaism that, roughly translated, means, Maker of bad movies.

A new record
Britney Spears is engaged again. In a related story, a world record was set by newspaper editors who all thought they were funny when they all used the same headline; “Oops, She Did it Again” 5,000 times.

Since you asked

You know what I love? It's one of my favorite parts of the night but it only lasts a split second. (No, not sex, but thanks for the vote of confidence) No, it's that instant when you suddenly fall asleep.

You go to lie down, you're tired, your mind starts to drift:

"Gosh, I'm beat. Whew, what a day. Tomorrow, I gotta get up and do it again. Hah, I just quoted Jackson Browne. Should clean up my office though. Kind of dirty. Stacks of paper, those Jamba Juice cups are stacking up and . . . hey?! What's a monkey doing at my desk? And why is "Saturday Night Live" head-writer-babe Tina Fey brushing his fur?"

That's when it hits you, oh yeah, I must be asleep. But then, sometimes, you try and get cute and direct your dream:

"OK, last time this happened I was able to get rid of the stupid monkey and put Tina Fey in a French Maid's outfit. Let's try that again. Oh, damn, Tina's leaving and the monkey is in the French Maid's outfit. Good thing nobody knows about this dream or they would think I was pretty weird."

So now you are try to wrest control of the dream, but it’s taking off beyond your control.

“Hey, Tina Fey, come back here. I want to ask you about a joke. Where’d she go? I think she went through this door. Hey, what is this? It’s my sophomore high school geometry class. What’s that? I have to take a test? I’m not ready for a test. Oh, alright, I’ll just take out a pen and . . . great. I’m not wearing pants."

And that's how we play "Welcome to Alex's Sick Mind." We're open 24 hours a day.

(Polite, but slightly worried, applause)