Friday, July 02, 2004

When we hit it, we hit it good, so who’s feelin’ you now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

On second thought
*Maria Sharapova will meet Serena Williams in the finals of Wimbledon. I don’t see what’s so great about this. So two beautiful, tall, fit women will be running around in really short skirts grunting at each other . . . what time is that on Saturday?

Many tennis experts feel the more mature, stronger, Serena will veritably spank the young Maria Sharapova in what, um, will probably, um, be straight . . . sets . . . sorry, I pictured Serena spanking Maria and I sort of got lost. What were we talking about? Oh yeah, go Cubs.

Lance in France
Lance Armstrong readies for a possible sixth Tour De France win. With this win, Lance will have won in France more than the German, American, Italian and Spanish armies combined.

Nice to hear
*A subdued Mike Tyson has announced another fighting comeback attempt. Tyson was contrite and has said he has changed. Now Tyson said he would only chew off another fighter’s body part if he absolutely has to.

Almost sad, well, no it isn’t
*In a Sports Illustrate poll the enemy of the state of California was Oakland Raider owner Al Davis. Al Davis is so unpopular that, when he was a kid, when his mom tied a pork chop around his neck to get the dog to play with him, the dog became a vegetarian.

Not positive
Did you see that picture of Saddam Hussein pointing his finger up? I’m not positive, but I think he was complaining about his prostate exam.

When did Saddam turn into Angel from “The Rockford Files”?

Did you see Saddam? He’s tan, he’s groomed, and he’s thinner. Why, it almost looks like he’s been staying in his Palm Springs spider hole.

Wouldn’t you know it?
*The State Department is cautioning Americans against traveling to the tiny Persian Gulf nation of Bahrain, citing information that extremists were planning attacks. And just like that, there go my Fourth of July plans.

Since you asked:

How about that walk-off Slammin’ Sammy Sosa home run (two finger smooch, heart tappy-tap and point) against the nearly evil Houston Asstros? Folks, as a Cubs fan, it doesn’t get any better than that except, maybe, Tara Reid asking if her friend Carmen Electra can join you in some wine-drenched naked hot-tub’ing. Hmmm. Oh, sorry, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, go Serena.

Speaking of Tara, have you seen “Scrubs”? It is really funny despite their Bill Cosby Show-like need to have morals and happy endings. At least there are no really ugly sweaters. My idol is Dr. Cox.(John C. McGinley) And he is with that really cool girl from “The Drew Carey Show,” Christa Miller. TiVo that bad dog.

The last episode, Danni (Tara) told the young doctor lead guy J.D. (Zach Braff)she "likes it rough." Later, J.D. asks Danni if she likes him and she says she prefers tough guys. He responds;

J.D.: "Last night I knocked you unconscious."

Danni: "Yeah, for like five seconds."

When Jordan (Christa Miller) accuses Dr. Cox (McGinley) of having a crush on a hot doctor, McGinley's reaction is priceless:


When Jordan leaves after letting him have it, Cox then privately chastises God for not loving everyone equally, referring to him as "Big Guy." You gotta love that stuff. No, you do.

Bitter comic rant:
Do you like “The Last Comic Standing”? I do. But what the hell Kathleen Madigan is doing there I don’t know. She doesn’t need that, she is huge. She was a correspondent to “The Tonight Show” during the Olympics, she has had a number of HBO and Comedy Central specials, TV appearances, you name it. I am a big fan of the Kathleen Madigan. A morning drive radio show I write for (101.5 KGB, the D.S.C.) uses her stuff on the Olympics all the time. Competing against Kathleen Madigan would be like playing a company softball team that has Barry Bonds.

Here is my last year’s “Last Comic Standing” winner, Dat Phan story.

Prior to his “Last Comic” win, Dat and I have appeared at the Comedy Store in La Jolla on the same night about, oh, ten times. We know each other pretty well. We are not friends, but friendly, as he was one of the few fairly friendly, non-psycho comedians who hung out there.

One night I promoted a show for my wife's charity and, thanks to my many great friends hitting the phones hard, we sold the place out. This visibly upset Dat to no end. “Why do you know so many people? Why are they all here?” He stopped just short of saying; “You’re not nearly as good as me, how come so many people are here to see you?” What a charmer that Dat could be.

So Dat goes on, through sheer hard work and will, and wins “Last Comic Standing.” Good for him, it was fun to watch, he worked really hard for it. In a rather shameless attempt to leech off his success, I sent him – I still had his old e-mail address - a fairly harmless note saying, good job, if he ever needed a writer keep me in mind, we San Diego comedians need to stick together, blah, blah, blah. No lie, the guy sends me back a form, fan e-mail.

“Dat Phan would like to thank you for your support", etc.

Believe me, I had half a mind to tell him I have been snubbed by people a lot more famous than he is. But I guess the guy’s pretty busy. Good for him. (Who am I kidding?)

No question, though, the bar has been raised by these last batch of comics on “Last Comic Standing.” They are good. Damn good. (Except for that evil troll, Ant) That last year’s group of comics, when they were off the stage (I don’t want to mention names, but one rhymes with Bat Spam) didn’t really seem to have much in the way of, well, a sense of humor. In comedy that can spell trouble. Being a comic with little or no sense of humor is like being a blind NASCAR driver. With guts, luck and persistence, you could possibly do OK after one lap, maybe two, but eventually it catches up to you.