You is, was, will always be my mizzle for rizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Now that's exciting
*Saturday Smarty Jones won the 130th running of the Kentucky Derby. The Kentucky Derby is billed as the most exciting two-minutes in sports . . . outside of Kobe Bryant's hotel room.
This year, for the first time in the Derby, the jockeys wore ads. You know who wore the Viagra ad? A long shot that came from behind.
What a shame
*Christine Aguilera has cancelled her upcoming national tour due to strained vocal chords. And Britney Spears may have to cancel some of her shows due to strained lips.
I think that was the name
Christine Aguilera has cancelled her upcoming national tour due to strained vocal chords. I think it was billed as the "'Skank-apoloosa" tour.
That's rich
*Now that the search engine Google has gone public, the founders Sergey Brin and Larry Page are rich. How rich? John Kerry would marry them.
Umm, George . . .
Now that Google's stock is coming out, they asked President Bush if he had ever Googled, he said; "Every morning with Listerine."
That's stiff
*There are some democrats who worry that John Kerry's image is a little stiff. And there are others who think Kerry is so stiff he makes Al Gore look like Jack Black..
Love Shaq
*The L.A. Lakers lost to the San Antonio Spurs 88-78. Shaq was 3 for 13 in free throws. That's just a little below the average of a randomly chosen blind-folded drunk.
We knew this
*For the first time, Donald Trump will enter the American Century celebrity golf tournament in Lake Tahoe. Apparently Trump is a pretty good golfer. What's Trump's handicap? His comb-over.
Come on people, we can do better
Some people are trying to compare Vietnam to Iraq. I hate to say it, but people who try to compare Iraq to Vietnam just are not talented at making accurate or clever comparisons. It's like comparing that one thing to something else that's not like that thing.
I think President Bush was a little confused when he answered questions to the 9-11 Commitee. He kept buzzing in and calling the chairman as Alex, and he phrased his answers in the form of a question.
Differant
According to Bob Woodward’s new book, Colin Powell warned President Bush about invading Iraq by quoting the Pottery Barn rule, which is "you break it you bought it.”
As opposed to the Neiman Marcus rule; "you bought it, you're broke."
Bitch slapped
Did you hear Supreme Court justice David Souter was mugged while jogging last weekend. He's OK. And now I hear they have a suspect: Richard Simmons.
Since you asked:
It might have been thanks to my waxing lyrical about the Derby, but I did pretty good, though you know I hate to brag.
Love the exacta box bet. You pick the first and second horse and bet it both ways, then the second one first and the first one second. Does that make sense? It's two bets.
Who didn't love the Sea Biscuit-like story of Smarty Jones? But I really liked the name Lion Heart. Then I read that Lion Heart was good in the mud. Ah ha. There was my exacta. $50 on 3 for 1st and 15 for 2nd, $50 on 15 for 1st and 3 for 2nd for a total of $100. That's a lot for me for one bet, but, after all, it was the Derby. Called my gambling savvy buddy, Kevie "Homey Juan" to place the bet. He called back twenty minutes before the race saying he couldn't place it and was driving frantically to the Del Mar race track to place it with the Off Track window. This was turning into a scene from "The Sting"
Kevie and I agreed to meet at the bar at the Posiden, on the beach in Del Mar. The race goes off and I don't know if Kevie got the bet down. Sure enough, Lion Heart leads from the wire, but Sporty Jones was mired in sixth. Slowly, Sporty starts to reel in the field. Man, I was yelling and screaming like a knucklehead. Sure enough, the final stretch it's my two horses by almost three lengths, Sporty Jones and Lion Heart.
But did it count? Did Kevie get the bet down? Twenty minutes later, Kevie runs in. I can tell by his half-buzzed happy look, he got it down. We do the uglier than ugly white man High Ten. Beautiful, I thought. I must be looking at a four or five hundred dollar payday.
Kevie starts peeling off my one hundred dollar bills on the bar: One, two, four, five, six, seven . . . all the way to sweet sixteen! $1,600. Can you believe that? Bless his sotted-heart, Kevin pulled a "Plains, Trains and Automobiles" including double parking to get in there. They closed the window two people after him. Whew, we spent the rest of the afternoon fighting for the right to buy the drinks.
Looks like Daddy is getting some new outdoor speakers. That way whenever people come over for a barbeque, I can bore them with my story.
Oh, and anyone with the I.R.S., this is just a joke. I'm a comedy writer, I'm kidding, I never win that big.
Now that's exciting
*Saturday Smarty Jones won the 130th running of the Kentucky Derby. The Kentucky Derby is billed as the most exciting two-minutes in sports . . . outside of Kobe Bryant's hotel room.
This year, for the first time in the Derby, the jockeys wore ads. You know who wore the Viagra ad? A long shot that came from behind.
What a shame
*Christine Aguilera has cancelled her upcoming national tour due to strained vocal chords. And Britney Spears may have to cancel some of her shows due to strained lips.
I think that was the name
Christine Aguilera has cancelled her upcoming national tour due to strained vocal chords. I think it was billed as the "'Skank-apoloosa" tour.
That's rich
*Now that the search engine Google has gone public, the founders Sergey Brin and Larry Page are rich. How rich? John Kerry would marry them.
Umm, George . . .
Now that Google's stock is coming out, they asked President Bush if he had ever Googled, he said; "Every morning with Listerine."
That's stiff
*There are some democrats who worry that John Kerry's image is a little stiff. And there are others who think Kerry is so stiff he makes Al Gore look like Jack Black..
Love Shaq
*The L.A. Lakers lost to the San Antonio Spurs 88-78. Shaq was 3 for 13 in free throws. That's just a little below the average of a randomly chosen blind-folded drunk.
We knew this
*For the first time, Donald Trump will enter the American Century celebrity golf tournament in Lake Tahoe. Apparently Trump is a pretty good golfer. What's Trump's handicap? His comb-over.
Come on people, we can do better
Some people are trying to compare Vietnam to Iraq. I hate to say it, but people who try to compare Iraq to Vietnam just are not talented at making accurate or clever comparisons. It's like comparing that one thing to something else that's not like that thing.
I think President Bush was a little confused when he answered questions to the 9-11 Commitee. He kept buzzing in and calling the chairman as Alex, and he phrased his answers in the form of a question.
Differant
According to Bob Woodward’s new book, Colin Powell warned President Bush about invading Iraq by quoting the Pottery Barn rule, which is "you break it you bought it.”
As opposed to the Neiman Marcus rule; "you bought it, you're broke."
Bitch slapped
Did you hear Supreme Court justice David Souter was mugged while jogging last weekend. He's OK. And now I hear they have a suspect: Richard Simmons.
Since you asked:
It might have been thanks to my waxing lyrical about the Derby, but I did pretty good, though you know I hate to brag.
Love the exacta box bet. You pick the first and second horse and bet it both ways, then the second one first and the first one second. Does that make sense? It's two bets.
Who didn't love the Sea Biscuit-like story of Smarty Jones? But I really liked the name Lion Heart. Then I read that Lion Heart was good in the mud. Ah ha. There was my exacta. $50 on 3 for 1st and 15 for 2nd, $50 on 15 for 1st and 3 for 2nd for a total of $100. That's a lot for me for one bet, but, after all, it was the Derby. Called my gambling savvy buddy, Kevie "Homey Juan" to place the bet. He called back twenty minutes before the race saying he couldn't place it and was driving frantically to the Del Mar race track to place it with the Off Track window. This was turning into a scene from "The Sting"
Kevie and I agreed to meet at the bar at the Posiden, on the beach in Del Mar. The race goes off and I don't know if Kevie got the bet down. Sure enough, Lion Heart leads from the wire, but Sporty Jones was mired in sixth. Slowly, Sporty starts to reel in the field. Man, I was yelling and screaming like a knucklehead. Sure enough, the final stretch it's my two horses by almost three lengths, Sporty Jones and Lion Heart.
But did it count? Did Kevie get the bet down? Twenty minutes later, Kevie runs in. I can tell by his half-buzzed happy look, he got it down. We do the uglier than ugly white man High Ten. Beautiful, I thought. I must be looking at a four or five hundred dollar payday.
Kevie starts peeling off my one hundred dollar bills on the bar: One, two, four, five, six, seven . . . all the way to sweet sixteen! $1,600. Can you believe that? Bless his sotted-heart, Kevin pulled a "Plains, Trains and Automobiles" including double parking to get in there. They closed the window two people after him. Whew, we spent the rest of the afternoon fighting for the right to buy the drinks.
Looks like Daddy is getting some new outdoor speakers. That way whenever people come over for a barbeque, I can bore them with my story.
Oh, and anyone with the I.R.S., this is just a joke. I'm a comedy writer, I'm kidding, I never win that big.
posted by Alex at
3:03 PM
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