We cold busted flat in Baton Rouge, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(Apologies to Orange Juice Jones and Janis Joplin)

How chilly was it?
*It was chilly early this morning. I was shaking like a Palestinian Hamas leader.

Hamas has picked a new leader, Abdel Aziz Rantissi. I wonder what he did to piss them off?

This Rantissi guy isn't going to have an easy time getting lunch dates. "Oh, sorry, tomorrow? No-can-do, I'm busy not getting blown up."

Buck me, buck me
*Paris Hilton was released from the hospital after being bucked and kicked by a horse. Apparently the horse became furious when he discovered that the video of him and Paris was on the Internet.

How boring is he?
*I don't want to say that John Kerry is boring, but his Secret Service code name is Yawn.

Ride, Kerry, ride
*Did you see the shot of John Kerry snowboarding in Idaho? Give the guy credit, it wasn't easy for him to learn, as a democrat, he can only turn to the left.

I don't want to say Kerry looked stiff, but the board was riding Kerry.

Somehow, though I just can't see Kerry answering to the name Dude.

Nothing quite as sad as an older guy trying to look cool. Watching Kerry snowboard reminded me of the skit when Bob Hope dressed as a hippy.

Did you see that clip of John Kerry snowboarding in Idaho? He was a natural. He started down the left, than he switched positions to the right, then back to the left, then over to the right.

Politically Incarcerated
*In Edmonton Canada, prison guards can no longer wear stab-proof Kevlar vests because they apparently offend the inmates. Today the prisoners also requested that the prison gates and their cell doors be kept wide open so as not to induce claustrophobia.

Fill her up
*Gas prices are out of control. Today I pulled up to the pump and the choices were Unleaded, Regular, and If You Have To Ask You Can't Afford It.

Not a math guy
*I'm admittedly not great with numbers, so I can't figure this out, but here it is: just two weeks from opening day and the New York Mets have already been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.

Just two weeks until baseball starts. Or as the players think of it: just two more steroid injections.

Since you asked:
So there was my then four-year-old fiesty and, if I may, adorable daughter Ann Caroline listening to our four-year-old neighbor Eric as he bragged about his fancy-shmancy swim class. Ann Caroline responded; "I'm in that class too." That caught my attention because, well, she wasn't.

Eric asked; "What level are you in?"

Ann Caroline replied; "What level are you in?"

Eric said; "Three."

Ann Caroline shot right back; "I'm in four."

(Sniff) That's my girl.

I told this story to a friend after reading an awesome story in Mike McIntee's hilarious Wahoo Gazette at "The Late Show's" website.

Seems around Christmas, some guy's three-year-old daughter emerges at the top of the stairs wearing a scarf on her head and announces that, for the rest of the day, she will be Jesus' mother Mary and that he, her father, will play the role of Jesus.

Cut to: Later that day they are in line at the grocery store, the little girl yells out:

"Jesus, you forgot the Ovaltine."