NCAA Brackets? We ain't got no brackets. We don' need no stinkin' brackets, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Not a misprint, Paris gets bucked
*Filming "The Simple Life" Paris Hilton was bucked by a horse. She is fine, but it marks the first time Paris made the news for not being mounted.

Big deal? That's not news. Oh, wait, sorry, I miss heard it. Paris Hilton got BUCKED. Oh. Got it.

One Guy: They took out my Gonzaga. Second Guy: That had to hurt.
*With # 1's Kentucky and Stanford and # 2 Gonzaga gone, the NCAA has turned guys into old Florida retired men in a diner: They can only talk about but what's been removed.

Good news, guys
*Good news. The FCC has hooked up with Pfizer. The result? A Viagra pill that has a seven-second delay.

Mass deception
*The Pentagon has asked the Justice Department to investigate the Halliburton oil services group's profits in post-war Iraq. Financially speaking, they are looking for weapons of mass deductions.

Patent this
*Reuters reports that Donald Trump has applied for trademark status for "You're fired." In addition, Trump wants to patent the terms pompous schmuck, tacky and bad-combover.


Where you been, Bob?
*A Taliban spokesman told The Associated Press in a phone interview that both al-Zawahri and al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden are alive and hiding inside Afghanistan -- far from the Pakistani guns. So that's what Baghdad Bob's been doing.

That nutty, nutty Courtney
*This just in: Courtney Love is reportedly close to capturing Osama bin Laden. If she can't scare him into surrendering, nobody can.

*Do you realize that if Courtney Love gay-married "Friends" Courtney Cox, she would then be Courtney Love-Cox?

Poor Courtney Love, now with Gonzaga gone, she has little chance of winning her psycho ward's NCAA pool.

*There is good news and bad news for Courtney Love. The good news is Courtney has passed Whitney Houston as the craziest female singer; the bad news is Courtney can't catch Christine Aguilera as the scankiest.

*In two big upsets this weekend Alabama beat Stanford and Courtney Love didn't get arrested.

Taking a shot
*Taiwan President Chen Shui-bian narrowly won re-election on Saturday, a day after he was shot in the stomach by a would-be assassin. His opponent declared the election unfair. Unfair? Did he think he should have been shot too? Talk about a sore loser. "Hey, I didn't get shot, no fair."

If getting shot gets you elected, Dennis Kucinich should hire someone to blow him up.

Industry term
*Did you see Philadelphia Veteran's stadium demolition? It imploded in a rolling domino effect, or as the demolition pros call that: New York Mets style

Don't doubt it
"Dawn of the Living Dead" beat out "The Passion of the Christ" this weekend. Can't you hear the sleazy producer?

"I got an idea for box office gold. After being crucified, Jesus rises from the dead . . . as a flesh eating zombie. Yeah, it's called 'Dawn of the Living Resurrection.'"

The remake of "Dawn of the Living Dead" was number one. That is the big thing, remakes of classics. Wouldn't you just love to see Jackie Chan remake "Scarface?"

"Say herro to my rittle friend."