Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What a rip-off
The Tennessee woman dropped her class-action lawsuit against Janet Jackson. Actually, she didn’t really drop the lawsuit, Justin Timberlake ripped it off.

Not again
Today in New York there was an embarrassing moment at the Westminster dog show: A French Poodle had her collar torn off, but the trainer said it was an unintentional wardrobe malfunction.

Heh, heh, he said Peter
*Former President Clinton won a Grammy. He won the award for his readings of the classic "Peter and The Wolf.” In terms of his performance, Clinton was spot on with his Peter.

Life imitates art . . . sort of
*Britney Spears is still seeing her two-day husband. Remember the guy she married for two days and then divorced? This is sort of the drunken version of “50 First Dates.” Britney keeps blacking out and meeting the guy over and over again.

Iron Pike
*Mike Tyson, who has earned over $200 million in his career, is reportedly down to his last $5,000. $5000 is about how much it costs Tyson to feed his tigers an ear.

How can you blow $200 million? Even democrats are impressed with that kind of spending.

How do you blow $200 million? Who is Tyson’s financial advisor, Howard Dean?

Not there
*NASA scientists using the rover have looked and looked and they report that there are no signs of life. But enough about the Howard Dean campaign, there isn’t life on Mars either.

It’s a visual thing
*Dennis Kucinich is still bringing up the rear in the campaign. I hate to say it, but Kucinich just doesn’t look very presidential. Kucinich makes Dukakis in the tank look like Washington crossing the Delaware.

At this point, Gen. Wesley Clark’s sweater has a better chance than Kucinich.

Buy, sell
*Dr Robert Atkins, creator of the famous low-carbohydrate diet, was clinically obese at the time of his death, according to medical reports. In a related story, the stock share price for Krispy Kreme donuts has skyrocketed.

A long time ago, the big running guru, Jim Fixx, died of a heart attack. Now protein diet guru Dr. Atkins was clinically obese when he died. But who’s alive, lean and fit? Keith Richards. How long until they come out with the Rock Star fitness program?

Personal Trainer: “Come on, chug that Jack Daniels, smoke that Marlboro.”