Thursday, February 12, 2004

When it comes to my writing ability, I’m all, like, you know, whatever, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

She just doesn’t learn
*A medical study revealed that protein diet-guru Dr. Atkins was obese with heart disease when he died. Mysteriously, on the same day this report came out, Martha Stewart suddenly sold her shares of Slim Jim and bought stock in Krispy Kreme donuts.

At the Martha Sewart trial in New York, Martha’s personal assistant broke down in sobs while testifying. An angry Martha stood up and screamed at the prosecutor; “Hey, I’m the one who makes her sob, get your own gig.”

Double standard
*The Westminster Dog Show was last night. The USA Network announcer introduced a dog in the sporting group as “A yellow Labrador bitch.” Oh sure, a male dog competes and he’s considered ambitious, when it’s a female, she’s a bitch.

Makes sense
*Mike Tyson, who has earned over $200 million in his career, is reportedly down to his last $5,000. Today, Tyson received a bill from Don King for $4,999.

At this point in his career, Tyson will be left little choice but to schedule an exhibition and have Justin Timberlake tear off his bustier cup.

Enough is enough
*The US soccer team was eliminated from competing in the Olympics by losing to Mexico 4-0. The final insult to the US was when Mexico scored their last goal, the Mexican scorer pulled off his jersey to reveal a sports bra and then he ripped off the right cup.

*President Bush is accused of shirking his military service. And here I didn’t even know that Bush was part French. Jeorge LeBushe?

That gay, huh? Not that there is a thing wrong with that . . .
*Have you seen the new Bounty towel guy? I don’t want to say he is too effeminate, but if he were any gayer, Liza Minelli would marry him.

Just imagine
*In Arizona, Diana Ross was sentenced to two days in jail for drunk driving. Glen Cambell, Wynona Judd, Nick Nolte have all been arrested recently for drunk driving. And these are the celebrities who still drive. Can you imagine how drunk are the celebrities in the Limos?