Friday, February 13, 2004

Now you step off wit' your good foot, now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It's about time
*An article from the Newhouse News Service claims men can now cry in public and it's no longer considered a sign of weakness. Finally, some good news for the Howard Dean campaign.

Like a hole in the head
*More Janet Jackson fallout: In Congress, angry lawmakers vowed to control the trend of raunchy television and radio. That's just what we need, all of our entertainment choices controlled by the same geniuses that came up with the term Freedom Fries.

It sure is
*There is actually a congressional panel discussing the Janet Jackson stunt. Good thing they aren't making a federal case out of this.

Good luck
*A hearing of the Senate Commerce, Science and Transportation Committee heard calls for action for the showing of Justin Timberlake ripping off Jackson's bodice at the Super Bowl. Today they have ordered a task force to search for nipple shields of mass destruction.

Nice image, thank you
*55-year-old George Foreman said he might make a boxing comeback. That will be fun. When George takes off his robe there will be more fat dripping down than a George Foreman grill.

Isn't that sweet
*According to the latest issue of "W" magazine, Ashton Kutcher is now moving in with Demi Moore. Or as Ashton calls it: a sleepover.

But they can still be friends
*According to the "New York Post", Paris Hilton has broken up with Nick Carter. She wants to start seeing other area codes.

Paris said she wants to start seeing other video sex partners.

Give somebody else a chance in there
*The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is out. If you' re looking for your teenage son, he's probably in the bathroom.

*A surfer in Australia got bit by a shark and the shark clamped on his leg and wouldn't let go, so he drove to a bar, with the shark, to get help. When he walked in, the bartender said, "What the hell is that?" And the shark said; "Oh, he's my newest law client."

What the heck?
General Wesley Clark's military buddies were mad that he quit. They said; "What do you think this campaign is, the National Guard and you?re George W. Bush? Get back in there."

See? It works
Tuesday a medical report said the diet guru Dr. Atkins was obese weighing 255 lbs at the time of his death. Now the Atkins company said he only weighed 195 lbs. Wow, that diet really works, the guy lost sixty pounds in just a few days.

Since you asked:
Slats and Nugs, we here in San Diego are awfully lucky. Every night I fall asleep to the sounds of waves softly breaking on the shore. But then, when I wake up, I have to turn off my Radio Shack sleep sounds machine. It’s a powerful feeling to turn off an ocean, I can tell you. By the way, speaking of my snooze sounds player, who chooses the rain sound function? I would be peeing all night. And a train sound? Is this for people who miss living near the factory and coal mine?

The ocean sound player is all part of my decision to embrace my California inner kook. The transcendental meditation I took back in high school? I am doing it again off and on. I plan on taking a yoga class . . . sometime. In the morning, I think it feels good to stick my face in cold water. My breakfast? A Jamba fruit and yogurt smoothie, and yes, an occasional wheat grass shot. And you know how wearing socks with sandals feels good but it looks really goofy? Nope, sorry, can’t go that far. I refuse to be that guy. Don’t be that guy, Slats and Nugs.

If you wear socks and sandals, the next thing you know, you’ll be standing in line at Starbucks in your skin tight bike shorts bitching at the coffee jockey for not putting enough foam on your double-douche- bag mocha cappuccino snotty latte.

Seeing a grown man in socks and sandals - especially Birkinstocks - hurtles my personality back to suburban Chicago in the Seventies: “What dah heck are you, some kinna’ whaaaaaaahhhcko or sometin'? Put on some shoes and go eat some sawwwwwsedge, and shuuuut up.”

So much for my California kook.