Thursday, March 27, 2003

Oh, see, now why you got to go and be all of that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Iron Mouthed Mike
Mike Tyson is scheduled to co-host on “Jimmy Kimmell Live.” Mike Tyson is famous for his malaprops and mispronunciations. He referred to oblivion as Bolivian, he referred to the Maori tattoo on his face as Mayan. But keep in mind, Mike has a very specific mental condition that causes these verbal mistakes. It’s called: stupidity.

I got my money on Monday
Jimmy Kimmel’s guest host next week is Mike Tyson. It’s true. In Las Vegas you can get odds on what day Iron Mike snaps and beats up Jimmy Kimmell.

Since you asked:

For those actually reading this column, first, I am truly sorry. Second, this is the part where I rant and rave. Not everything on this site is going to be funny. (Yeah, we know Alex, but how about something being funny once in a great while?) Hey, shut up. (No, you shut up) Look at me, I am arguing with my own diatribe.

Anyway, speaking of Jimmy Kimmell, I am a huge fan and I hope his show, "Jimmy Kimmell Live" does very well. Have you seen Jimmy on Fox Sports NFL show with hosts Jim Brown, Terry Bradshaw, Chis Collinsworth and Howie Long? Kimmell is nothing short of hilarious. Among other things, Kimmell makes fun of the hosts and the only two who get it are Jim Brown and Chris Collinsworth. It turns out Howie Long and Terry Bradshaw are such huge egomaniacs that they not only can't take a joke, they despise Kimmell for making jokes about them.

I used to like Terry Bradshaw, but it turns out the entire "Awww shucks, ain't I a cute hick?" routine is a fallacy and a ruse. Bradshaw is a total Primma Donna. To quote a line from Patton in "Patton."

"Hell, I know I'm a Primma Donna, hell, I admit it. The thing I hate about (General) Montgomery is he won't admit it."

Same thing goes with Bradshaw.

And Howie Long? He thinks he is some kind of NFL Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld. The guy could not possibly take himself any more seriously. He delivers his predictions with the earnestness of a judge sentencing someone to death. Lighten up, steroid boy. And those dorky glasses you think help make you look intellectual? If you think you are so smart, how come you haven't heard of laser surgery, Sgt. Bulka. (Quick, name the movie reference. Wrong. Sgt. Hulka from "Stripes.")

Good luck Jimmy Kimmell. And Terry Bradshaw? Dial 10-10-220 and call someone who gives a rat's ass. Alf has more talent in those commercials in one of his little furry alien fingers than you will ever have. And Howie Long? Will history ever forgive you for making those wildly awful Radio Shack commercials with that actress with the drug problem and eating disorder, Teri Hatcher? It is too soon to tell.*

Torn Slattern and Nugget Rancher vital information section:

Advice # 1.Slats and Nuggies, if you are tragically inflicted with the inflictions of being both lazy and stupid, as I am, then there is something important to know. You can actually allow Word by Microsoft to do your thinking for you.

It's easy. Write a word that you typically know is not only inappropriate, but misspelled. Word will then correct your spelling. Then use the Thesaurus ( I did this just now with Thesaurus. I spelled it Theesaoris, which is either a dinosaur or a skin condition) to select the right word. It takes a few keystrokes but it is vastly easier then actually taking the time to learn something.

Advice # 2. Lex's Law: When someone asks you a question, rather than going to the painful effort of giving the right answer, or, god forbid, finding out the right answer, you reply the following of two ways: A, It is too soon to tell, or B, It is too close to call.

Example: Will the war hurt the economy? It is too soon to tell. Which has had more of an impact on communication in our culture, the Internet or Cell Phones? It's too close to call. See? You can't tell, from these answers, that I am actually stupid. Does anyone have Mike Tyson's phone number?

The corollary to Lex's Law: If, for whatever reason, neither of these two work, then use the fail-safe fake answer my parents used when I asked for help on my homework:

I'd like to give you the answer, but I think it would be better for you to find it out yourself.

This corollary is not a good one to use on teachers. I found that out the hard way.

The first of these pearls of non-wisdom came from a very funny writer, Calvin Trillin. He said that his math teachers never understood that his answers were meant to be ironic. Ditto on that in spades, my man. Ditto on that in spades.

This is how old I am: When I grew up, we didn’t have attention deficit disorder, bi-polarism or dyslexia. We just had this thing called dumb people. That’s right, we were all unfairly lumped together.

And the people who would now be labeled Mentally Challenged? They were known, affectionately, as slow. Slow is so much sweeter than Mentally Challenged. You can practically smell the bad breath and see the nose hairs and dandruff of the analyst who invented the phrase Mentally Challenged. And the severely mentally challenged? You know what we called them? French.

Merci, merci, je serai ici toute semaine. Essayer le veau (Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week, try the veal)

E-mail me folks, on what you think at

(Why didn't I link this to do that cool E-mail- automatically-address-the-letter thingy? Aren't you listening? I am too dumb and lazy. Sheesh. Don't make me come up there)


Here is an example of an e-mail I received.

Dear Alex:

Since your “comedy” column is not actually funny, what is it really being used for? Tell the truth, you are inserting encrypted messages to our spies overseas, aren’t you?”

General Tallywacker, The Pentagon.

Here is my response:

Dear General:

Drop down and give me twenty. (I’ve always wanted to say that.) But seriously, you don’t actually think that I am using this vitally important comedy vehicle as a tool for the special forces or the CIA do you? Why, that would be like writing the words; The moon is rising over the night of destiny. Repeat, The moon is rising over the night of destiny. Proceed with extreme prejudice.

What kind of sleaze-bag would pretend to be a CIA agent just to garner some cheap publicity? Come on. I gotta go, Chuck Berris is calling me.

Sincerely Stealing that bit from a Letterman Top Ten Bit,


And another thing: