Thursday, August 08, 2002

Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers on a runaway American dream"

Apologies to the Boss.

Rumor has it they might make a movie out of “The Anna Nicole Show” The working title is: “Dude, Where’s Her Pride?” Or maybe: “Dude, Where’s Her Chin?”

In New Orleans, ten people on a private tour, fell into a shark tank when their platform collapsed. Nobody was hurt, luckily it was a tour of lawyers, so the sharks extended professional courtesy.

In a T.V. speech, Saddam Hussein said a U.S. invasion of Iraq would fail. What else is he going to say, the truth? “Yep, I think they are going to come here and seriously kick our ass.”

Anheuser-Busch is giving $5 million to the University of California at Davis for an on-campus facility that will study alcohol. In a connected story, twenty American West pilots took a leave of absence to get their masters degree at U.C. Davis. Now if they could get the makers of Trojans to donate $5 million dollars for the study of condom use, they could get Bill Clinton as a guest professor.

The International Monetary Fund will bail out Brazil with a $30 billion loan it probably won’t ever pay back. And in a related story, K-Mart just declared itself a country.

Baseball players ended decades of opposition to mandatory drug testing agreeing to be checked for illegal steroids starting next year. In a related story, Barry Bonds announced his retirement affective next year.

“The Anna Nicole Show” is labeled a reality TV show. Anna Nicole Smith is to reality what Keith Richards is to fitness.

OK, so, if you are a regular ALBB reader these days, (and I am sure you are not) you asking me, Lex, what did Anna Nicole ever do to you? Are you kidding me? Have you seen the show? She is a national embarrassment of record preportions, and I mean that on several levels. If she was a dog, we would put her down. She is doing this to all of us. Sure, I may be particularly p.o.'d at "Reality TV" as a struggling comedy writer, but give us a break.

By the way. There is no such thing as Reality TV. The two words are mutually exclusive. Just ask the folks who film skateboarders and snowboaders. In the words of Ski movie mogul Warren Miller: "Whip out a camera, and I.Q.'s plummet." Simply by putting people on camera - and this doesn't include hidden cameras - people act goofy. Have you ever seen "Jay Walking?" No way those people are that stupid in real life. What country borders the U.S. to the south? The guy answers South America? What country borders us to the North? Same guy answers North America? Uh uh.

No, these folks are, A) Trying to be funny, or entertaining, and B) They are nervous out of their wits. Scared and trying to be funny is an ugly combination. Just ask anyone who has been to a comedy club open mike night. I once called a local radio station to tell them a joke I have told a billion times in front of a billion people. They put me on hold, and I was so nervous I was shaking and I had to hang up. Why? That is the effect that massive media coverage has on people who are not used to it. Suddenly I pictured hundreds of thousands of people by the radio thinking; "Lord help that guy, he is an idiot."

So by sticking a camera in front of people, it is, by definition, no longer "reality." I am not sure what it is, but it ain't reality, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Have a great night, all you Cosmic Rodeo Clowns. And you know I mean that in a nice way. Ooops, my Chicago Cubs are on. Got to go see who they are going to choke to next. Oh, great. The San Francisco Giants and Mr. World Class 'Roided-Out Jerk, Barry Bonds on his 599th homer. Perfect, he will ding one out against the poor Cubbies. Where is the love, folks? Where is the justice? If a jerk like Bonds hits his 600th against the Cub, for us long-suffering Cub fans, that would be like being heavily invested in this disastor of a stock market only to find your broker is also doinking your wife. Insult to injury does not do it justice.

Toodles and Snookums, Monkey Stinkers.