Tuesday, August 06, 2002

Well, by cracky, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, hang on to your wigs and keys.

The stock market soared back today over three hundred points. But many stock analysts are still worried. I swear, some company could discover the cure for cancer, and these stock analysts would complain about the negative impact on the funeral industry.

On a sad note, legendary Los Angeles Laker announcer Chick Hearn passed. He invented the term air ball. Sure, the Los Angeles Clippers perfected the air ball, but Chick invented the term.

President Bush entered a Maryland hospital for his annual physical. It was kind of embarrassing when they informed Bush of his annual physical, he objected; “But didn’t they just check my annual during that colon procedure?”

The NFL preseason is underway. You know how they abbreviate team names? The Green Bay Packers are the Pack, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are the Bucs. Good thing they don’t do that with the Tennessee Titans.

Surgeons separated 1-year-old Guatemalan twins joined at the head, a risky procedure that took about 20 hours to complete, a doctor told NBC's ``Today'' show today. That’s great news for the parents, except on their birthday and Christmas. Now they have to buy them twice as many gifts.

The Walt Disney Co. has a nearly $1.5 million deal for the rights to the personal stories of the nine Pennsylvania miners whose miraculous rescue riveted the nation. When asked to comment, President Bush replied, “Disney is a good choice. They make good cartoons for minors.”

It is painful to watch “The Anna Nicole Show.” Throughout the show, a morbidly obese Smith is seen shuffling around, stuffing her face, she slurs her words, and generally acts bizarre. If this was a nature show, they would have to put her down. In their ads they say “The Anna Nicole Show, ” entertaining, yes, educational, no. Well, I’m not sure about that. Kids, if you want to see the difference between laughing with someone, and laughing at someone, “The Anna Nicole Show” an object lesson of the latter.

Texas Rangers pitcher John Rocker has been hit with controversy once again for allegedly calling a gay couple at a Dallas restaurant "fruitcakes." In New York, Mike Piazza held a press conference to announce he has never ordered, nor eaten a fruitcake.

The New England Patriots announced a deal that will name their new field Gillette Stadium. The good news for the Pats is that it will help finance the $325 mil project. The bad news is that, due to the Gillette deal, the NFL will closely scrutinize the Patriots for point-shaving.