Wednesday, August 07, 2002

Well, snatch me bald-headed, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Critics who warned against the danger of reality television actually lowering our culture and our standards have been proven right in just four words: “The Anna Nicole Show.” Have you seen “The Anna Nicole Show”? She is morbidly obese, she is doped up to the point of staggering and slurring her words. If this were a nature show, she would have to be put to sleep.

“The Anna Nicole Show” is labeled a reality TV show. Anna Nicole Smith is to reality what Ozzie Osbourne is to physical fitness. Her boobs are fake, her hair is dyed, her brain is fried. Marge Simpson is closer to reality than Anna Nicole Smith. You know what reality show I would like to see? I would like to see some Aryan skin-head watch an entire; “The Anna Nicole Show” and then try and defend white supremacy.“The Anna Nicole Show” is pretty much documented evidence that white supremacy is wrong.

If Adolf Hitler had watched “The Anna Nicole Show”, his book “Mein Kampf” would have consisted of two words: Never mind.

Today, Mike Piazza held a press conference to announce he did not bet on Olympic Ice Dancing.

Barry Bonds hit his 599th home run. Or as Arthur Anderson has his total: 732.

The U.S. Attorney will seek an indictment of NBA star Chris Webber for lying to a federal grand jury about taking money from a booster. And after taking the money, Weber allegedly threw the booster out of his house naked.

A New Jersey little league coach was suspended for asking his players to throw a game. It turns out he parlayed the money he won on Ice Dancing and tried to bet it on the little league game.

Texas Rangers pitcher John Rocker has been hit with controversy once again for allegedly calling a gay couple at a Dallas restaurant "fruitcakes." Rocker was having dinner with his girlfriend, I’m guessing not after a Mensa meeting.

Anheuser-Busch is giving $5 million to the University of California at Davis for an on-campus facility that will study alcohol. In a related story, Ted Kennedy has announced he is going back to school for his Masters degree.Don’t they already have on campus facilities that study alcohol? They are called Fraternities.Man, where was this when I was in school? I could have done my doctoral thesis on alcohol and it’s effect on sorority girls.

Did you hear the about the successful operation to separate the twins? But enough about Anna Nicole’s breast reduction . . .

Investigators in the ImClone stock scandal have given Martha Stewart a deadline to provide records. To which Martha replied that it is rude to demand a deadline, and that they should allow guests a more flexible arrival time.Stewart said she will be happy to present her records as soon as she is done drying and pasting flowers on the cover.

Doctors were able to separate the conjoined-at-the-head twins without damaging their brains. In fact, the surgery went so well, they are now going to operate to see if Anna Nicole Smith has a brain.