Thursday, October 19, 2017

The Cubs are down 3-1 to the Dodgers in the NLCS. Did you see the clip of Los Angeles Dodger, Yasiel Puig, sticking out his huge tongue during the game? Social media lit up with men saying it was inappropriate and women asking him for a date.

Since you asked:

Polls have been antiquated pieces of crap for a long time since a poll predicted Dewey would beat Truman in “The Chicago Tribune” in 1948. The people taking the polls can have an agenda and only ask people they think will go their way. 30% of the people lie when answering the poll. Polls have been dead wrong on elections for 20 years.

What isn’t wrong is Twitter. People on Twitter come fairly qualified. They have a cell phone or a computer and sort of know how to use them. And, like a voting booth that also does not lie, Twitter is private. People are not telling a pollster what they think they want to hear.

Was at a small party and a bunch of older folks in their 60’s spoke of Twitter is if it was a combination of black magic and rocket science. They were afraid of it. Fine. We don’t need those people on Twitter.

Go to Twitter and search Donald Trump. Running down the posts, rank them 1 for positive for Trump and 2 for very positive. And -1 for negative on Trump and -2 for extremely negative on Trump. 

You will not believe how fast the negative 2’s add up.  Twitter hates Donald Trump. According to polls, Trump’s approval rating is 34%. On Twitter it is negative 50%. 

Here is something that is important to keep in mind when we think about Russia and China: they hate us.

Just because Communism has softened in China and is dead in Russia, that does not mean they do not still see us as the enemy and want to vanquish us. 50 years of state-sanctioned propaganda is not going to go away with this or the next generations in China and Russia. 

Russia hated us and we hated the communists. Now that Russia is not communist anymore, we no longer hate them. But we are still the same and Russia still hates us.

Whether you consider yourself a kind-hearted liberal or a hard-boiled, pragmatic conservative, it is always good to know where you stand with your adversaries. And make no mistake about it, China and Russia are adversaries. They, especially Russia and Putin, genuinely wish us ill.  And we have to take that into consideration when we deal with them.

Here’s what I know, fellow Cub fans. They are playing in Wrigley Field and it is probably blowing out, as it has been. Wind blowing out at Wrigley is a huge mitigating factor against good pitching. And I know, I played in a band called the Mitigators, and they sucked. Except for the lead singer, Kelly, and the drummer, Tommy.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Fake Gnus, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Donald Trump told the widow of a soldier lost in Niger, “He knew what he signed up for.” If we didn’t know better, Trump almost sounds like a guy who enjoys firing people.

Donald Trump told the widow of a soldier, “He knew what he signed up for.” And when confronted he denied it even though it was confirmed by the widow. On the bright side? Nobody gets more done in one conversation than Donald Trump.

The Kardashians claim Robert Kardashian was the victim of domestic abuse by Blac Chyna when he and Blac Chyna picked up a stripper, they all had sex and did cocaine and drank all night. And they say romance is dead.

“Forbes” estimates Donald Trump lost $400 million last year. Or as Harvey Weinstein calls losing $400 million: Ten lead actress auditions.

The Cubs are down 3-0 to the Dodgers in the NLCS. Did you see the clip of Los Angeles Dodger, Yasiel Puig, sticking his tongue out during the game? The phones lit up with men saying it was inappropriate and women asking him for a date.

Atty Gen., Jeff Sessions, first said he never met with Russians, then admitted he did, but they did not talk politics, now he says he did not talk about election interference. NFL safeties cannot backpedal any faster.

In Texas, a high school English teacher, seen in a Snapchat video in only her t-shirt and panties drinking with two shirtless male students, was arrested. She claims she only was teaching her class called, “Screenwriting in Weinstein’s Hollywood.” 

Since you asked: 

The four biggest piece of crap human beings I have ever met:

The first one was the sleazy Crow Island elementary school band teacher, Norman Bakehouse.  The second was a lying, con-artist track coach named Ron Allice at Long Beach State.  Third was back-stabbing sleaze named Aldo Pagano on Wall Street and fourth was an oafish douchebag named Bob Felderman in San Diego. One Chicago, one New York, two California. 

Three dressed in expensive, but tacky suits with silk shirts and garish ties.  The track coach considered himself a slick casual dresser in polyester golf attire. All four were fat with big asses and guts. They all had outsized egos. There was (and this is a big one) not a slight trace of a sense of humor in any of them. And none of them was particularly smart. OK, they were downright stupid. But they were cold-bloodedly cunning.

And all four of them had . . .  awful combovers.

Sound like anyone we know?

Does everyone look at Jeff Sessions and see a Keebler Elf?

Is it just me, or does Harvey Weinstein look like a bulldog’s half-shaved scrotum? 

Looking forward to the game tonight. It will be a tough one for the Cubs, but I love to see them back in Chicago. Either way, they had a tremendous season. 

To people who love wine and coffee as much as I do, let me make a strange recommendation. Don’t drink any wine or coffee. (What the hell is this idiot saying?)

Hear me out. 

Take a break from both. (Warning: Wine is much easier to quit than coffee) Stop drinking wine for a week and stop drinking coffee for a couple of days. When you resume, your love of both will be renewed anew. Or is it anew renewed? No gnus is good gnus. Even fake gnus. 

It is a good thing truth-in-advertising laws do not apply to your dog. Otherwise, we would have to call Wally Hot Mess. (Just kidding. He is a good boy. For the most part. He does have issues)

It is that time of year with the Santa Ana winds when I genuinely wonder if it is ever going to be cool again? But the nights are fairly awesome. 64. Very California feeling. 

The most I appreciate California is Thanksgiving. That is because we usually have a warm- to- hot day. And my memories of Thanksgivings in Winnetka are quite fond with family and friends, but the weather is turning bleak. And soon to turn much bleaker. Thanksgiving officially kills Fall and introduces Winter to the Midwest. Tough winters.

Everybody knows “Sweet Dreams” by the Eurythmics is about S & M, right? 50 shades before 50 shades was cool. 

It is important to keep a perspective on Donald Trump. Why does Trump hate Obama and want to destroy everything he did? It has nothing to do with politics. Obama hurt Trump’s feelings at the 2011 White House Correspondent's Dinner and Trump is pathologically thin-skinned and vindictive. For the same reason, it actually surprises me Trump has not gone after Seth Meyers harder. (Although there is that whole 1st Amendment issue with a talk show host)

And Trump did suggest NBC - his former boss, no less - have their broadcasting license yanked. (Meyers is on NBC)

But loyalty is #1 with Donald John Trump. Right up until the split-second it is not. 

Today’s comedy lesson. Everything is funnier if you add “in my pants” at the end. Take the expression, hot mess. Funny, right?  It becomes hot mess in my pants.

OK, so not everything is funnier with "in my pants" added at the end. 

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Life is its own-ass self.

The BAd Falkeeewn done let my ass down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Apple was hit with a $440 mil. judgment in a patent lawsuit. Apple paid the fine out of their office swear jar. 

A calf from a slaughterhouse escaped into Brooklyn. The calf was easy to detect because it was wearing leather.

A calf from a slaughterhouse escaped into Brooklyn. The calf was ostracized in Hipster Brooklyn for wearing leather.

The calf was hard to find because it had a goatee and a nose ring and it was wearing a wool hat. 

Apple was hit with a $440 mil. judgment in a patent lawsuit. Apple said the fine was excessive and could result in two or three trips to the ATM.

Harvey Weinstein vowed he will continue to make movies with or without the Weinstein Co. Although it will be challenging for Weinstein to make movie without another thing. What are they called? Oh, right. Actresses.

Apple was hit with a $440 mil. judgment in a patent lawsuit. Apple begged the court for an extension to pay the fine due to the time it would take to dig that much money out of the cushions of their break-room couch.

The victims in the Harvey Weinstein harassment scandal keep coming. Hard to imagine a guy would have trouble with women who has a face like Tom Arnold’s scrotum.

Apple was hit with a $440 mil. judgment in a patent lawsuit. Apple said they needed time to raise the money… 3…2…1…, OK, that’s enough time. 

Harvey Weinstein vowed to continue to make movies. Although it will be tough considering the thousands of actors who have vowed never to work for such a vile predator.  Unless he pays them.

Monday, October 16, 2017

It is shameless how a bar in Hollywood advertised for a ladies night wine special: “It is better to have a wine stain on your dress than a Weinstein in your dress.”  

The Weinstein Company will have to change their name. Here is my suggestion:

Dewey, Dewem and Howe. 

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Commenting on the Harvey Weinstein scandal, Woody Allen said, 

"You don’t want it to lead to a witch hunt. Unless the witch has a hot daughter you want to nail."

Commenting on the Harvey Weinstein scandal, Woody Allen said it was sad. Interesting, but I am going to wait and hear what 13-year-old girl sodomizer, Roman Polanski thinks.

How bad was the call against the New York Jets? The only thing worse that can happen to a jet is getting bought by Spirit Airlines.

The Chargers beat the Raiders, 17-16 in the "Red-Headed Step-Child" Bowl. As the score indicates, both teams tried to lose, but, sadly, there has to be a winner.

Since you asked:

For so many years, the funniest part of any Woody Allen movie has been the ludicrous over-qualifications of his romantic interest. 

Woody Allen weighed in on the Harvey Weinstein scandal calling it sad, which is like OJ Simpson weighing in on Ezekiel Elliott’s domestic abuse suspension. 

Woody once said Hollywood was worse than dog-eat-dog. It was dog doesn’t return other dog’s phone call. 

Now it is ugly, skinny little old dog licks the balls of a big, ugly male dog humping a little, pretty female dog that doesn’t want to be humped. 

To play woodwind instruments, you have to blow into them. How does Woody play the clarinet when he sucks so much?

So glad good is going to come out of this Harvey Weinstein fiasco. The evil Weinstein is graveyard dead if not possibly prison-bound, but probably not due to his Cosby-like money. (Money wins over crime again) The victims will hopefully get justice and harassment in Hollywood will have to lessen. 

Another side benefit is seeing that world-class tool, Ben Affleck, get PR thumped. The same douche-bag who angrily defended ISIS on Bill Maher’s "Real Time" HBO show. 

It is a poorly kept secret in Hollywood what a prick Ben Affleck is. Just look what he did to the wonderful Jennifer Garner. Rude to waiters, valets, movie crews and he tortures personal assistants. The usual Val Kilmer “I am making up for a small penis” crap.

Only a world-class ass-gasket, like Affleck, would accept and flaunt an Oscar for a screenplay, "Good Will Hunting," of which he did not write one word. Nary a word. Nary. (Love that word) 

Arguably the greatest screenwriter, William Goldman, in his tell-all “Which Lie Did I Tell?” said so. (That is until the studio lawyers jumped on top of Goldman's neck) Goldman said Damon and Affleck’s version "GWH" was nothing but car chases and explosions. 

Poorly written car chases and explosions. 

The studio fell in love with the story of two young stars writing a screenplay and paid Goldman out the wazoo to rewrite it and keep it a secret. (Make no mistake, Goldman is more than a bit of a crank, god bless his contrary Highland Park, Illinois ass) 

But Goldman made a good point: if they, Damon and Affleck, were such brilliant authors, what have they written since? 

Ben Affleck has to be getting medical treatment for muscle pulls for the speed in which he went from kissing Harvey Weinstein’s fat ass to tossing him under the bus. 

Thanks to the Weinstein splatter, most of Hollywood, for that matter, has more of a stiff neck than they get from the usual bobbing up and down. 

A huge factor in galvanizing the right in our last nightmarish presidential election was voters hatred of hypersensitivity - like demanding Al Michaels apologize on-air for a pretty funny joke. Clearly Al did not mean disrespect to Weinstein’s victims, but that did not stop a tidal wave of bitter complaints on Twitter. 

As a former democrat - now more moderate, but not republican - I feel qualified in saying the left has to lighten-up. Having a sense of humor does not make you a sexist, racist or Nazi.

Here come the Ruskies again:

Seriously, why is my blog so popular in Russia, and how have I figured out not to make a single dime off of that fact? 

Do I still have that wonderful follower in Brazil who loves my music stories but hates sports? She sent the nicest email. 

Four from France? I am honored. 

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