Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Fake Gnus, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Donald Trump told the widow of a soldier lost in Niger, “He knew what he signed up for.” If we didn’t know better, Trump almost sounds like a guy who enjoys firing people.

Donald Trump told the widow of a soldier, “He knew what he signed up for.” And when confronted he denied it even though it was confirmed by the widow. On the bright side? Nobody gets more done in one conversation than Donald Trump.

The Kardashians claim Robert Kardashian was the victim of domestic abuse by Blac Chyna when he and Blac Chyna picked up a stripper, they all had sex and did cocaine and drank all night. And they say romance is dead.

“Forbes” estimates Donald Trump lost $400 million last year. Or as Harvey Weinstein calls losing $400 million: Ten lead actress auditions.

The Cubs are down 3-0 to the Dodgers in the NLCS. Did you see the clip of Los Angeles Dodger, Yasiel Puig, sticking his tongue out during the game? The phones lit up with men saying it was inappropriate and women asking him for a date.

Atty Gen., Jeff Sessions, first said he never met with Russians, then admitted he did, but they did not talk politics, now he says he did not talk about election interference. NFL safeties cannot backpedal any faster.

In Texas, a high school English teacher, seen in a Snapchat video in only her t-shirt and panties drinking with two shirtless male students, was arrested. She claims she only was teaching her class called, “Screenwriting in Weinstein’s Hollywood.” 

Since you asked: 

The four biggest piece of crap human beings I have ever met:

The first one was the sleazy Crow Island elementary school band teacher, Norman Bakehouse.  The second was a lying, con-artist track coach named Ron Allice at Long Beach State.  Third was back-stabbing sleaze named Aldo Pagano on Wall Street and fourth was an oafish douchebag named Bob Felderman in San Diego. One Chicago, one New York, two California. 

Three dressed in expensive, but tacky suits with silk shirts and garish ties.  The track coach considered himself a slick casual dresser in polyester golf attire. All four were fat with big asses and guts. They all had outsized egos. There was (and this is a big one) not a slight trace of a sense of humor in any of them. And none of them was particularly smart. OK, they were downright stupid. But they were cold-bloodedly cunning.

And all four of them had . . .  awful combovers.

Sound like anyone we know?

Does everyone look at Jeff Sessions and see a Keebler Elf?

Is it just me, or does Harvey Weinstein look like a bulldog’s half-shaved scrotum? 

Looking forward to the game tonight. It will be a tough one for the Cubs, but I love to see them back in Chicago. Either way, they had a tremendous season. 

To people who love wine and coffee as much as I do, let me make a strange recommendation. Don’t drink any wine or coffee. (What the hell is this idiot saying?)

Hear me out. 

Take a break from both. (Warning: Wine is much easier to quit than coffee) Stop drinking wine for a week and stop drinking coffee for a couple of days. When you resume, your love of both will be renewed anew. Or is it anew renewed? No gnus is good gnus. Even fake gnus. 

It is a good thing truth-in-advertising laws do not apply to your dog. Otherwise, we would have to call Wally Hot Mess. (Just kidding. He is a good boy. For the most part. He does have issues)

It is that time of year with the Santa Ana winds when I genuinely wonder if it is ever going to be cool again? But the nights are fairly awesome. 64. Very California feeling. 

The most I appreciate California is Thanksgiving. That is because we usually have a warm- to- hot day. And my memories of Thanksgivings in Winnetka are quite fond with family and friends, but the weather is turning bleak. And soon to turn much bleaker. Thanksgiving officially kills Fall and introduces Winter to the Midwest. Tough winters.

Everybody knows “Sweet Dreams” by the Eurythmics is about S & M, right? 50 shades before 50 shades was cool. 

It is important to keep a perspective on Donald Trump. Why does Trump hate Obama and want to destroy everything he did? It has nothing to do with politics. Obama hurt Trump’s feelings at the 2011 White House Correspondent's Dinner and Trump is pathologically thin-skinned and vindictive. For the same reason, it actually surprises me Trump has not gone after Seth Meyers harder. (Although there is that whole 1st Amendment issue with a talk show host)

And Trump did suggest NBC - his former boss, no less - have their broadcasting license yanked. (Meyers is on NBC)

But loyalty is #1 with Donald John Trump. Right up until the split-second it is not. 

Today’s comedy lesson. Everything is funnier if you add “in my pants” at the end. Take the expression, hot mess. Funny, right?  It becomes hot mess in my pants.

OK, so not everything is funnier with "in my pants" added at the end.