Friday, June 23, 2017

Who that cry mercy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

It is official, Lonzo Ball is an L.A. Laker. It is also official, his father, LaVar Bell, is a publicity-starved, greedy, meddling pain-in-the-ass. 

A New York man was arrested at Kennedy Airport on his way to Syria to join ISIS. He decided to join ISIS when he saw he did not have the ruthless, cold-bloodedness to be a United Airlines security guard.

Social media has gone crazy about Donald Trump committing one of the ultimate golf faux pas, driving a cart on the green. If they catch him not replacing his divot, we’re talking impeachment.

A survey claims the average time a heterosexual couple has sex is 19 minutes. “What do they do for the extra 18 minutes?” Asked someone who is definitely not me. At all. 

The Chargers are going to have a day of honor for their San Diego fans at the Del Mar Race Track. The San Diego fans will have a special tribute to Chargers owner, Dean Spanos, when they shovel out the stalls. 

Since you asked:

A great man who gave me great advice

That Bell Sounds Familiar 

Meddling father, LaVar Bell, is a one man recipe for ruining a child prodigy. And yet his son, Lonzo Bell, still manages to thrive. 


This is how great, Lonzo Ball is. He did not become burned-out despite having the most psycho sports father, LaVar Bell, since Marv Marinovich. 

There are not many times I have been right, so they are easy to remember, but what I said after reading about nut-job, Marv Marinovich and his robo-QB son, Todd, was dead-on:

“That boy is going to end up in a dress on Santa Monica Blvd.” 

Close, scoring smack in an alley off Venice Beach. Clutch, game-winning USC-Raider QB to passed out and naked in an Irvine CA stranger’s backyard. 

What triggered the dress-on-Santa Monica Blvd thought was an article that mentioned how, when he was a kid invited to birthday parties, young Todd was on such a strict diet regiment, he had to come to the party with his own piece of no-sugar, white flour-free cake in a plastic bag. Can you imagine anything more humiliating as a child? Can you imagine the parent who thought that was a good idea? One piece of birthday cake is too much? He can run an extra lap to work it off. 

When I realized that psycho-dad, LaVar Bell, was more than a frustrated ex-jock trying to iron out his angst through his child - something, sadly, I have personal experience with - was when the Bell’s shoe and clothing line negotiations with Nike fell through. 

Nike is such a bitterly greedy and ruthless two-faced company that they will stay with double-rapists (Ben Rothlisberger) puppy killers/torturers (Michael Vick) and wife beaters (too many to list) if they think it will make them money. 

And yet Nike dumped an amazingly wonderful, kind and classy reigning gold medalist Decathlete, Bryan Clay, prior to the London Olympics because they sniffed a glitch in his profitability due to an injury. 

But even the duplicitous, back-stabbing Nike could not put up with the annoying demands and shenanigans of LaVar Bell. 

Red flag. 

When my daughter was getting really great at soccer, at around age 11, I started to get a little concerned I might screw things up. Rival coaches were constantly asking her to defect. Pushy teammate parents were asking her to join their kid in private lessons. It all seemed to be going down a scary path. Like a beginner snowboarder going down a double-black diamond run. Sadly, something else with which I have experience. 

On the same field Ann Caroline’s team was practicing, I heard that unmistakable magical baritone voice of the great Vikings-Cardinals-Stanford-Northwestern football coach, Dennis Green, RIP. 

Dennis was one of the few great men who announced they were quitting to spend time with their family who actually spent time with his family. When I saw him, Dennis was playing with his son with a model airplane. 

A few times I have met someone and just knew they were great. Rafer Johnson. Mark Messier. Robert Plant. 

Dennis Green was like that.

As great and famous as he was, Coach Green could not have been nicer. We chatted. He was funny. And then I asked him for his advice as a parent of a good athlete. His answer was clear and memorable: 

Do whatever you can to keep your child from getting burned-out. Keep it fun. 

Coach Green said he could cite endless examples of great young athletes who, right when they should be reaping real benefits from years of hard work of their sport at age 16 -  high school championships and college scholarships - they get fed up and quit. And it often drives a horrible rift between the child and parents. 

From that moment on, whenever I was given a decision about lending Ann Caroline to another team or attending a tryout, I thought of Dennis Green and that mellifluous voice and his great advice:

Do not let your child get burned-out. Keep it fun.

So that was my mantra with Ann Caroline, do not let her get burned out. 

It did not work, my daughter angrily quit soccer and joined a Ska band, the Moose Boobies, in Eureka, CA, the biggest pot town in the country.

Just kidding, she is running track at Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo. 

Just a few years prior to that, I saw Dennis Green at a track meet at my daughter’s high school, Torrey Pines. (Coach Green’s son was running for Torrey’s sister school, Canyon Crest Academy) When I pointed out Ann Caroline in a race, coach Green said excitedly in that voice that was equal parts velvet and soft sand;

“She has a tremendous stride.” 

Thank you, Dennis Green. And rest in peace.

P.S. Ann Caroline played soccer with and against some amazing athletes. Six got partial or full scholarships at division one schools. Not one for soccer. AC for track, one girl for lacrosse and four for volleyball. The moral? All that screaming over a blown hand-ball call might not have been worth it. 

Re: Johnny Depp threatening to kill the president. 

With so few exceptions proving the rule, you can name them on one hand if you had six fingers, actors are not well-educated. The exceptions being Mayim Baliak, Jodie Foster, Paul Giamatti, Ken Jeong, Tommy Lee Jones, Natalie Portman. 

Now many actors will tell you leaving school for acting was their choice. In most cases, it was not. The school decided they should leave. And acting, along with prostitution, modeling and being a Kardashian, is a job you can get if are cute, but you don’t know anything.

God only hands out so many gifts. If someone is good looking, has a nice body, they can dance and sing, maybe they’re not going to be such a great student. Combine that with the fact that most actors, like I mentioned, leave high school to pursue their incredibly demanding and competitive craft. 

Johnny Depp is talented, funny. Rich, famous. But he married world class psycho, Amanda Heard. She came with more red flags than a USSR May Day parade. Maybe not the smartest move. 

Here’s a relationship tip, guys. When a woman says, “You know, I’m a hot looking lesbian, but for you, I think I will switch.” Take that with a grain of salt.  Especially if you’re rich. 

Johnny Depp is a nice guy. He was vacationing at a house on the beach here in Del Mar. (That is a sign you’re living in the right area when a guy who owns a tropical island is vacationing within biking distance of you) 

A bunch of girls from my daughter’s soccer team saw Jack Sparrow (JD) on the beach and attacked him for pictures and autographs and he could not have been nicer.

Johnny Depp is many wonderful things. Johnny Depp is not a shrewd political mind.

Like Kathy Griffin and Bill Maher before him, Johnny Depp made an awful, awful joke. 

You really have to take your hat off to “The San Diego Union Tribune”. Forget my personal hurt feelings that they were about the only major paper in the US that did not cover my recent story, and I happen to live in their damn town. Some might consider that a stupid over-sight and a missed opportunity.

Not "The San Diego Union Tribune."

Despite staggering drops in subscriptions and circulation, they, the SDUT, have the savvy to know the Internet is not a big deal, just a passing trend like Google and Amazon. So they are one of the only papers to insist on people paying to see their stories. “The New York Times,” “Washington Post,”  "Wall Street Journal," “Chicago Tribune,” none of those hack rags have the insight to do this. They are still stupid enough to think people want to read their stories online for free.


The SDUT also had the insight to take their most popular sports column, "Off The Wall," a compilation of the funniest stories in sports, and give it to the most douchbaggy and humorless snob on the planet. 

Won’t say his name, but it rhymes with Boyce Garrison. 

Some day a newspaper will get in trouble financially. When they do, they could do much worse than to study the history of "The San Diego Union Tribune."

And then do the exact opposite.

Like this except the the chin part is wider and longer

Here is some free mustache trimming advice. Most of the time I use electric clippers that come with a clip-on comb that regulates an even less-than 1/4 inch trim. It is fast and easy.

But it trims all the hairs the same length the way a buzz cut/flat top cut would with your hair. That can make them stand up and look thinner. 

For a  little more fullness, let the top hairs grow longer and do a mini-Trump combover down the lip. This way you just trim the hairs down by the lip with scissors. This allows the upper hairs to get a tad longer and bend down. You can use some mustache wax or even hair mousse to add body and combing control.

Right now I am going with the Magnum PI mustache with the “Deadwood” goatee. Meaning the mustache and goatee are not attached on the sides below the lip. 

Thursday, June 22, 2017

A New York man was arrested at Kennedy Airport on his way to Syria to join ISIS. Wow, Anthony Weiner’s career really has hit a dead end.

Many people are shocked Bill Cosby was found not-guilty in his sexual assault trial. Especially when you consider, during the trial, Cosby groped the Lady Justice statue. 

During the campaign, Donald Trump spoke of his secret 30-day plan to destroy ISIS. Here it is day 151 and the plan is so secret, ISIS has no idea it has been destroyed for 121 days.

A popular French fitness blogger was killed when a whipped cream dispenser exploded into her chest. Worst way for a fitness expert to die besides trampled by Chris Christie at an all-you-can-eat buffet. 

Maybe poker is not your game, Ike. I know, how about a spelling contest, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

In Afghanistan, a Canadian sniper killed an ISIS terrorist from 2.1 miles away. But in the exchange rate, that is only 1.85 American miles.

Things are not going well for the White House following Donald Trump’s tweet there are no James Comey tapes. Deputy press secretary, Sarah Sanders, just walked out and announced, “The floor is lava,” and ran away.

The best part of the new Mattel Ken doll with the man-bun? It doubles as a handy dispenser of vinegar and water. (That’s right, I called it a douchebag)

Daniel Day Lewis is retiring from acting. How good is Daniel Day-Lewis? Unlike Gordon Joseph something and Sean Scott whomever, he is the only actor with three names we can remember. 

Yesterday was the longest day of the year. The second longest day is when you ask the new man-bun Ken doll about his vegan lifestyle.

Qatar Airways has, once again, been named the world’s best airline. And Spirit Airlines has been named the airline that barely beats taking a bus. 

Chicago Blackhawk, Marian Hossa, will sit out a year due to a skin condition. Tiger Woods is nearly out of golf due to a different skin condition. Tiger can’t stop groping the skin of cocktail waitresses. 

Yesterday was the longest day of the year. Or as Melania Trump calls that: waking up in the White House. 

The Bill Cosby mistrial jurors had two not-guilty holdouts. It is unclear how Fat Albert and Weird Harold got on the jury. 

Mattel came out with a Ken doll with a man-bun. Prius with CrossFit and Bernie Sanders stickers sold separately.

Mattel came out with a Ken doll with a man-bun. Barbie’s utter disdain sold separately. 

The Supreme Court has ruled a company, like the Washington Redskins, can have an offensive name. In a related story, Spirit Airlines is changing its name to Suck It, Passengers Airlines. 

Mattel has a Ken doll with a man-bun. GI Joe then goes into a depression as to why he bothers to risk his life for douchebags like that. 

A video shows Donald Trump driving his golf cart on the green. In football etiquette, that isn’t just kneeling during the national anthem, that is grinding on a cheerleader during the national anthem. 

In baseball etiquette, that isn’t just a bat flip after a home run, that is hopping around the bases using your bat as a pogo stick. 

In tennis this is like going up to shake the victor’s hand, but peeing on the net instead. 

Since you asked:

Four times in my life I have witnessed a tipping point where the president can no longer do anything right in the eye of the press. 

The first was Richard “I’m not a crook,” Nixon for obvious reasons. Next it was Gerald Ford for far less fair treatment. And then Jimmy Carter. Finally George W. Bush. 

(I would give George H.W. Bush a pass. The press was brutal to him, and he got the “SNL” business from Dana Carvey but good, but his inherent modest decency allowed him to rise above the fray) 

Nixon was doomed from the start for being the most opposite of John F. Kennedy any human could be when the press was still, years later, deeply hurt by his passing.

Gerald Ford was initially given a pass as a decent man in a bad situation. Until about the third time he fell off the plane stairs. Once Chevy Chase started prat-falling as Ford on “Saturday Night Live,” it was over. 

Jimmy Carter was given a pass forever as a democrat and because he worked so damn hard. Too damn hard. 

Once it became public that Carter organized a complicated schedule for the White House tennis court, things started sliding south. Then Carter told “Playboy,” that he “lusted in his heart.” Soon after that he passed out in a road race and a bunny viciously attacked him on a fishing trip. After that Carter was toast as far as the press was concerned. He could do nothing right. 

This was during the time of avocado leisure suits and pet rocks and disco. We were a country without a rudder. 

George W. Bush’s infamous “There’s an old saying in Tennessee . . . “ And then there was the walking up to the huge locked doors and then standing there befuddled. Will Ferrell sealed W’s fate ala Chevy Chase on “Saturday Night Live.” 

And now we have Donald Trump on the brink.

For a long time, the far right lashed out angrily when the press tried to portray Donad Trump as anything but the dynamic mogul who was going to grab this country by the lapels and shake some sense into it. 

Even Alec Baldwin’s hilariously accurate “SNL” cartoonish buffoon Trump was seen as a liberal attack. 

Not sure when we will know when the Donald Trump has landed in this press equivalent of the quicksand. One or two more Melania hand-slaps from the guy who said women let him grab them because he is famous? 

So far Trump is not at that point, but he may be close. Donald Trump’s best defense has been his Mister Magoo-like obliviousness of the multitude of disasters befalling him. It is hard to get lathered up about any one incident when there are so many and Trump clearly does not care about any of them.

Trump leads with chocolate cake when describing bombing another country, Syria. He. Does. Not. Care. 

However, the Trump driving-golf-cart-on- green is getting an awful lot of traction on the Internet. If they catch him not replacing his divot, he could be in bad trouble.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Fallon's new 'stache be like . . . 

A Pennsylvania man has been awarded $870,000 after doctors removed the wrong testicle. But with all his legal fees, it will barely cover his nut. 

Qatar Airways has, once again, been named the best airline in the world. Whereas Spirit Airlines was named the second best airline at Spirit Airlines.

Steve Bannon said the reason Sean Spicer has not been on the air is because “Sean got fatter.” Steve Bannon was then strangled to death by Princess Leia and her chain. 

Jets in Phoenix were grounded because it was too hot to take off. Except for Spirit Airlines, they have experience in this heat as the airlines from Hell.

A Pennsylvania man has been awarded $870,000 after a doctor removed the wrong testicle. In addition the doctor was named the worst ear, nose and throat doctor ever. 

A Pennsylvania man has been awarded $870,000 after doctors removed the wrong testicle. He hopes the settlement will help him adjust and feel less like an oddball.

A Pennsylvania man has been awarded $870,000 after doctors removed the wrong testicle. Good thing he stood up to those doctors, that took a lot of ball.

A Pennsylvania man has been awarded $870,000 after doctors removed the wrong testicle. The evidence was lopsided in his favor. 

A Pennsylvania man has been awarded $870,000 after doctors removed the wrong testicle. But the settlement has not helped his mood. He’s still a little testy. 

A Pennsylvania man has been awarded $870,000 after doctors removed the wrong testicle. Under a million for a lost testicle? Seems like they low-balled him. 

Mattel has come out with a new Ken doll with a man-bun. Douchey man-purse sold separately. 

Ex-New England Patriot lineman, Ryan O’Callaghan, has come out as gay. O’Callaghan said he feared shame, rejection and humiliation. Not for being gay, he was once almost traded to the Cleveland Browns. 

Mattel has come out with a new Ken doll with a man-bun. So Ken still does not have genitalia, but now he is a dick.

Mattel has come out with a new Ken doll with a man-bun. Vegan diet and cocaine stash that could kill a horse sold separately.

OJ Simpson could get out of prison by October before Halloween. Just in time for OJ to go trick or treating as the Ghost of Justice Present. 

Mattel has come out with a new Ken doll with a man-bun. Prius and screenplay - neither of which he will ever shut up about - sold separately. 

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

NFL Hall of Fame player, Warren Sapp has donated his brain for concussion research. Not sure if they’re going to want it. Sapp asked if he can hold off and donate it after he is dead.

This here my Wally dog. Check out those eyelashes.

Forget dizzy-up the girl, you gotta cuddle-up the dog, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

V.P. Mike Pence got a dog, Harley. The dog is perfect for Pence, it only humps straight people’s legs.

On her last flight, Carrie Fisher was on cocaine, heroin and ecstasy. And I can’t get the flight attendant to leave me the can of soda. 

In a decision involving the Washington Redskins, the Supreme Court ruled a company can have an offensive name. So good news for the Gargle My Nards Bar and Grill.

In a decision involving the Washington Redskins, the Supreme Court ruled a company can have an offensive name. So good news for the Tickle My Taint Paint Co. 

There is a new version of the bible with updated language. But I think they went too far when they referred to the father, son and the holizzy ghozizzy. 

Kim Kardashian is under criticism for appearing almost in black face in a KKW makeup ad. Even former white NAACP head, Rachel Dolezal, said, “Stay in your lane, girl.”

According to a survey, the most sexually satisfied women in the country are in Los Angeles. “The pleasure is mine,” said Bill Cosby.

Singer Lorde is under fire for comparing her friendship to Taylor Swift to having an auto-immune disease. Whereas Katy Perry said being friends with Taylor was more like having the runs.

In a decision involving the Washington Redskins, the Supreme Court ruled a company can have an offensive name. So more good news for Bill Cosby Productions. 

Ex-New England Patriot lineman, Ryan O’Callaghan, has come out as gay. O’Callaghan said he once feared shame, rejection and humiliation. Not for being gay, he was almost traded to the Cleveland Browns. 

Since you asked:

Heaven knows I loves me some Padres announcer,  Mark "Mudcat" Grant. And I am a Cubs fan.  But if Rizzo V. Hedges was a Padre trying to score against the Cubs? Mark would have called it what it was: a good, hard-nosed play. 

Hedges was covering 3/4 of the plate. It is not Rizzo's job to adroitly avoid the catcher, it is his job to try and score. Like my boy Rizzbone said later, if the catcher is holding the ball, it is game on.

Sorry, Mudcat, love how you’re protecting your Dadres so close to father’s day, but you got this one as wrong as a Kardashian on “Jeopardy.” Kendall Jenner Pepsi commercial wrong. Bill Maher using the N-word wrong. Anything Justin Bieber does wrong.