Friday, June 23, 2017

Who that cry mercy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

It is official, Lonzo Ball is an L.A. Laker. It is also official, his father, LaVar Bell, is a publicity-starved, greedy, meddling pain-in-the-ass. 

A New York man was arrested at Kennedy Airport on his way to Syria to join ISIS. He decided to join ISIS when he saw he did not have the ruthless, cold-bloodedness to be a United Airlines security guard.

Social media has gone crazy about Donald Trump committing one of the ultimate golf faux pas, driving a cart on the green. If they catch him not replacing his divot, we’re talking impeachment.

A survey claims the average time a heterosexual couple has sex is 19 minutes. “What do they do for the extra 18 minutes?” Asked someone who is definitely not me. At all. 

The Chargers are going to have a day of honor for their San Diego fans at the Del Mar Race Track. The San Diego fans will have a special tribute to Chargers owner, Dean Spanos, when they shovel out the stalls. 

Since you asked:

A great man who gave me great advice

That Bell Sounds Familiar 

Meddling father, LaVar Bell, is a one man recipe for ruining a child prodigy. And yet his son, Lonzo Bell, still manages to thrive. 


This is how great, Lonzo Ball is. He did not become burned-out despite having the most psycho sports father, LaVar Bell, since Marv Marinovich. 

There are not many times I have been right, so they are easy to remember, but what I said after reading about nut-job, Marv Marinovich and his robo-QB son, Todd, was dead-on:

“That boy is going to end up in a dress on Santa Monica Blvd.” 

Close, scoring smack in an alley off Venice Beach. Clutch, game-winning USC-Raider QB to passed out and naked in an Irvine CA stranger’s backyard. 

What triggered the dress-on-Santa Monica Blvd thought was an article that mentioned how, when he was a kid invited to birthday parties, young Todd was on such a strict diet regiment, he had to come to the party with his own piece of no-sugar, white flour-free cake in a plastic bag. Can you imagine anything more humiliating as a child? Can you imagine the parent who thought that was a good idea? One piece of birthday cake is too much? He can run an extra lap to work it off. 

When I realized that psycho-dad, LaVar Bell, was more than a frustrated ex-jock trying to iron out his angst through his child - something, sadly, I have personal experience with - was when the Bell’s shoe and clothing line negotiations with Nike fell through. 

Nike is such a bitterly greedy and ruthless two-faced company that they will stay with double-rapists (Ben Rothlisberger) puppy killers/torturers (Michael Vick) and wife beaters (too many to list) if they think it will make them money. 

And yet Nike dumped an amazingly wonderful, kind and classy reigning gold medalist Decathlete, Bryan Clay, prior to the London Olympics because they sniffed a glitch in his profitability due to an injury. 

But even the duplicitous, back-stabbing Nike could not put up with the annoying demands and shenanigans of LaVar Bell. 

Red flag. 

When my daughter was getting really great at soccer, at around age 11, I started to get a little concerned I might screw things up. Rival coaches were constantly asking her to defect. Pushy teammate parents were asking her to join their kid in private lessons. It all seemed to be going down a scary path. Like a beginner snowboarder going down a double-black diamond run. Sadly, something else with which I have experience. 

On the same field Ann Caroline’s team was practicing, I heard that unmistakable magical baritone voice of the great Vikings-Cardinals-Stanford-Northwestern football coach, Dennis Green, RIP. 

Dennis was one of the few great men who announced they were quitting to spend time with their family who actually spent time with his family. When I saw him, Dennis was playing with his son with a model airplane. 

A few times I have met someone and just knew they were great. Rafer Johnson. Mark Messier. Robert Plant. 

Dennis Green was like that.

As great and famous as he was, Coach Green could not have been nicer. We chatted. He was funny. And then I asked him for his advice as a parent of a good athlete. His answer was clear and memorable: 

Do whatever you can to keep your child from getting burned-out. Keep it fun. 

Coach Green said he could cite endless examples of great young athletes who, right when they should be reaping real benefits from years of hard work of their sport at age 16 -  high school championships and college scholarships - they get fed up and quit. And it often drives a horrible rift between the child and parents. 

From that moment on, whenever I was given a decision about lending Ann Caroline to another team or attending a tryout, I thought of Dennis Green and that mellifluous voice and his great advice:

Do not let your child get burned-out. Keep it fun.

So that was my mantra with Ann Caroline, do not let her get burned out. 

It did not work, my daughter angrily quit soccer and joined a Ska band, the Moose Boobies, in Eureka, CA, the biggest pot town in the country.

Just kidding, she is running track at Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo. 

Just a few years prior to that, I saw Dennis Green at a track meet at my daughter’s high school, Torrey Pines. (Coach Green’s son was running for Torrey’s sister school, Canyon Crest Academy) When I pointed out Ann Caroline in a race, coach Green said excitedly in that voice that was equal parts velvet and soft sand;

“She has a tremendous stride.” 

Thank you, Dennis Green. And rest in peace.

P.S. Ann Caroline played soccer with and against some amazing athletes. Six got partial or full scholarships at division one schools. Not one for soccer. AC for track, one girl for lacrosse and four for volleyball. The moral? All that screaming over a blown hand-ball call might not have been worth it. 

Re: Johnny Depp threatening to kill the president. 

With so few exceptions proving the rule, you can name them on one hand if you had six fingers, actors are not well-educated. The exceptions being Mayim Baliak, Jodie Foster, Paul Giamatti, Ken Jeong, Tommy Lee Jones, Natalie Portman. 

Now many actors will tell you leaving school for acting was their choice. In most cases, it was not. The school decided they should leave. And acting, along with prostitution, modeling and being a Kardashian, is a job you can get if are cute, but you don’t know anything.

God only hands out so many gifts. If someone is good looking, has a nice body, they can dance and sing, maybe they’re not going to be such a great student. Combine that with the fact that most actors, like I mentioned, leave high school to pursue their incredibly demanding and competitive craft. 

Johnny Depp is talented, funny. Rich, famous. But he married world class psycho, Amanda Heard. She came with more red flags than a USSR May Day parade. Maybe not the smartest move. 

Here’s a relationship tip, guys. When a woman says, “You know, I’m a hot looking lesbian, but for you, I think I will switch.” Take that with a grain of salt.  Especially if you’re rich. 

Johnny Depp is a nice guy. He was vacationing at a house on the beach here in Del Mar. (That is a sign you’re living in the right area when a guy who owns a tropical island is vacationing within biking distance of you) 

A bunch of girls from my daughter’s soccer team saw Jack Sparrow (JD) on the beach and attacked him for pictures and autographs and he could not have been nicer.

Johnny Depp is many wonderful things. Johnny Depp is not a shrewd political mind.

Like Kathy Griffin and Bill Maher before him, Johnny Depp made an awful, awful joke. 

You really have to take your hat off to “The San Diego Union Tribune”. Forget my personal hurt feelings that they were about the only major paper in the US that did not cover my recent story, and I happen to live in their damn town. Some might consider that a stupid over-sight and a missed opportunity.

Not "The San Diego Union Tribune."

Despite staggering drops in subscriptions and circulation, they, the SDUT, have the savvy to know the Internet is not a big deal, just a passing trend like Google and Amazon. So they are one of the only papers to insist on people paying to see their stories. “The New York Times,” “Washington Post,”  "Wall Street Journal," “Chicago Tribune,” none of those hack rags have the insight to do this. They are still stupid enough to think people want to read their stories online for free.


The SDUT also had the insight to take their most popular sports column, "Off The Wall," a compilation of the funniest stories in sports, and give it to the most douchbaggy and humorless snob on the planet. 

Won’t say his name, but it rhymes with Boyce Garrison. 

Some day a newspaper will get in trouble financially. When they do, they could do much worse than to study the history of "The San Diego Union Tribune."

And then do the exact opposite.

Like this except the the chin part is wider and longer

Here is some free mustache trimming advice. Most of the time I use electric clippers that come with a clip-on comb that regulates an even less-than 1/4 inch trim. It is fast and easy.

But it trims all the hairs the same length the way a buzz cut/flat top cut would with your hair. That can make them stand up and look thinner. 

For a  little more fullness, let the top hairs grow longer and do a mini-Trump combover down the lip. This way you just trim the hairs down by the lip with scissors. This allows the upper hairs to get a tad longer and bend down. You can use some mustache wax or even hair mousse to add body and combing control.

Right now I am going with the Magnum PI mustache with the “Deadwood” goatee. Meaning the mustache and goatee are not attached on the sides below the lip.