Thursday, June 22, 2017

Maybe poker is not your game, Ike. I know, how about a spelling contest, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

In Afghanistan, a Canadian sniper killed an ISIS terrorist from 2.1 miles away. But in the exchange rate, that is only 1.85 American miles.

Things are not going well for the White House following Donald Trump’s tweet there are no James Comey tapes. Deputy press secretary, Sarah Sanders, just walked out and announced, “The floor is lava,” and ran away.

The best part of the new Mattel Ken doll with the man-bun? It doubles as a handy dispenser of vinegar and water. (That’s right, I called it a douchebag)

Daniel Day Lewis is retiring from acting. How good is Daniel Day-Lewis? Unlike Gordon Joseph something and Sean Scott whomever, he is the only actor with three names we can remember. 

Yesterday was the longest day of the year. The second longest day is when you ask the new man-bun Ken doll about his vegan lifestyle.

Qatar Airways has, once again, been named the world’s best airline. And Spirit Airlines has been named the airline that barely beats taking a bus. 

Chicago Blackhawk, Marian Hossa, will sit out a year due to a skin condition. Tiger Woods is nearly out of golf due to a different skin condition. Tiger can’t stop groping the skin of cocktail waitresses. 

Yesterday was the longest day of the year. Or as Melania Trump calls that: waking up in the White House. 

The Bill Cosby mistrial jurors had two not-guilty holdouts. It is unclear how Fat Albert and Weird Harold got on the jury. 

Mattel came out with a Ken doll with a man-bun. Prius with CrossFit and Bernie Sanders stickers sold separately.

Mattel came out with a Ken doll with a man-bun. Barbie’s utter disdain sold separately. 

The Supreme Court has ruled a company, like the Washington Redskins, can have an offensive name. In a related story, Spirit Airlines is changing its name to Suck It, Passengers Airlines. 

Mattel has a Ken doll with a man-bun. GI Joe then goes into a depression as to why he bothers to risk his life for douchebags like that. 

A video shows Donald Trump driving his golf cart on the green. In football etiquette, that isn’t just kneeling during the national anthem, that is grinding on a cheerleader during the national anthem. 

In baseball etiquette, that isn’t just a bat flip after a home run, that is hopping around the bases using your bat as a pogo stick. 

In tennis this is like going up to shake the victor’s hand, but peeing on the net instead. 

Since you asked:

Four times in my life I have witnessed a tipping point where the president can no longer do anything right in the eye of the press. 

The first was Richard “I’m not a crook,” Nixon for obvious reasons. Next it was Gerald Ford for far less fair treatment. And then Jimmy Carter. Finally George W. Bush. 

(I would give George H.W. Bush a pass. The press was brutal to him, and he got the “SNL” business from Dana Carvey but good, but his inherent modest decency allowed him to rise above the fray) 

Nixon was doomed from the start for being the most opposite of John F. Kennedy any human could be when the press was still, years later, deeply hurt by his passing.

Gerald Ford was initially given a pass as a decent man in a bad situation. Until about the third time he fell off the plane stairs. Once Chevy Chase started prat-falling as Ford on “Saturday Night Live,” it was over. 

Jimmy Carter was given a pass forever as a democrat and because he worked so damn hard. Too damn hard. 

Once it became public that Carter organized a complicated schedule for the White House tennis court, things started sliding south. Then Carter told “Playboy,” that he “lusted in his heart.” Soon after that he passed out in a road race and a bunny viciously attacked him on a fishing trip. After that Carter was toast as far as the press was concerned. He could do nothing right. 

This was during the time of avocado leisure suits and pet rocks and disco. We were a country without a rudder. 

George W. Bush’s infamous “There’s an old saying in Tennessee . . . “ And then there was the walking up to the huge locked doors and then standing there befuddled. Will Ferrell sealed W’s fate ala Chevy Chase on “Saturday Night Live.” 

And now we have Donald Trump on the brink.

For a long time, the far right lashed out angrily when the press tried to portray Donad Trump as anything but the dynamic mogul who was going to grab this country by the lapels and shake some sense into it. 

Even Alec Baldwin’s hilariously accurate “SNL” cartoonish buffoon Trump was seen as a liberal attack. 

Not sure when we will know when the Donald Trump has landed in this press equivalent of the quicksand. One or two more Melania hand-slaps from the guy who said women let him grab them because he is famous? 

So far Trump is not at that point, but he may be close. Donald Trump’s best defense has been his Mister Magoo-like obliviousness of the multitude of disasters befalling him. It is hard to get lathered up about any one incident when there are so many and Trump clearly does not care about any of them.

Trump leads with chocolate cake when describing bombing another country, Syria. He. Does. Not. Care. 

However, the Trump driving-golf-cart-on- green is getting an awful lot of traction on the Internet. If they catch him not replacing his divot, he could be in bad trouble.