Friday, June 16, 2017

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos bought Whole Foods for almost $14 billion. And that price includes all of their grapes and kale.

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos bought Whole Foods for almost $14 billion. For $14 bil., Whole Foods is going to throw in an entire stalk of celery.

A Kansas man who robbed a bank so he could go to jail to get away from his wife, was sentenced to six months house arrest. Happy Father’s Day. 

An 18-year-old kicker, Becca Longo, could be the first woman to play in the NFL. She may start with the Cleveland Browns and then work up to the NFL.

The aptly named-Becca Longo's kicking is doing better than the other woman kicker, Susie Wideright. 

The Russians say they have killed an ISIS leader in Iraq. There was an awkward moment when Donald Trump blurted out, “See?That’s why I colluded with them.” 

A Kansas man who robbed a bank so he could go to jail to get away from his wife, was sentenced to six months house arrest. The judge was then charged with being a huge smart ass.

The Russians say they have killed an ISIS leader in Iraq. Apparently they accidentally mistook him for a political opponent of Putin’s. 

The jury in the Bill Cosby trial is deadlocked. Apparently they cannot decide if he is guilty or guilty as hell.

The Russians say they have killed an ISIS leader in Iraq.   

It is the one-year anniversary of the opening of Bunyadi, the first naked restaurant in London. It closed three months later. The cause? Too many hot soup spills.

Since you asked:

How hard is comedy? 

University of Virginia graduate with a degree in drama, nine-time-Emmy-winner, Mark Twain Prize for American Humor winner and national treasure, Tina Fey, was 29, working for minimum wage as a receptionist at the Evanston YMCA while fighting for stage time for no pay at “Second City” when Lorne Michaels hired her for “Saturday Night Live.”

And that was considered by all, including Fey, an insanely lucky break. 

Prior to that life-changer, Tina’s biggest break was making a “Second City” improv road tour that traveled and slept in a van and performed for donations. Mostly at old folks homes. Their rule was, if there were less people in the audience than in their troupe, they did not have to go on.

You can count the number of comedians who have made it big without struggling hard at least ten years on one hand. And that hand would include neither Mark Twain winners Steve Martin, Bill Cosby, David Letterman, Jay Leno nor Richard Pryor. 

Nor Mark Twain, for that matter.

Tina Fey said, in one month at “SNL,” she went from thinking, “Oh my god, I am in a meeting with the great Lorne Michaels who offered a check to the Beatles,” to, “If that chardonnay-swilling Canadian bastard keeps me late again tonight I am going to strangle him with his cashmere sweater.” 

Nobody is more brilliant or more deserving of success than Tina Fey, but luck is a factor. I'm willing to bet Tina Fey would readily admit - as would many "SNL" alums - if not for her break from Lorne Michaels, we might not know who she is.

To take it one step further: anyone who thinks there is a clear and fair connection in comedy between fame and talent, I have two words: Tom Arnold. Two more: Pauly Shore. Two more: Jim Belushi.

As the poet Thomas Gray said,

"Full many a flower is born to blush unseen."

Just call me a comedy writing flower, I don't mind...

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Yesterday was Donald Trump’s 71st birthday. He celebrated by playing Pin The Tail on The Comey. 

There is a new version of the bible with updated language. The Lord’s Prayer says, “Deliver us from evil for thine is the kingdom and power and the covfefe forever.” 

At the US Open in Wisconsin, a one-man blimp crashed and burned, luckily the pilot escaped. However the blimp, the Spirit of Tiger Woods, was totaled. 

There is a new version of the bible with updated language. It refers to the father, the son and the homey ghost. 

There is a new version of the bible with updated language. But it might have gone too far when it called Judas a Frenemy.

A sailor who had gone missing on the USS Shiloh and caused a massive man-overboard search, has been found hiding a week later. His name is sailor, 3rd Class Peter Mims. Now he is sailor 3rd Class ass-is-grass. 

The jury in the Bill Cosby trial say they are deadlocked. Although Bill Cosby keeps demanding they call themselves hung like him. 

Since you asked:

The dead man’s hand. Aces and eights, all black, spades and clubs. Held by Wild Bill Hickok when he was shot in the back by the coward, Jack McCall, in Deadwood. Can’t you just smell the pine tree mountain air, oak wood smoke, gunpowder and spilt whisky?  

My three main loves growing up were comedy, playing running back in football and the Decathlon. Consequently three of my many idols were, in order, Bill Cosby, OJ Simpson and Bruce Jenner. How am I doing so far?

Why so much comic venom at all things Jenner and Kardashian? In my mind there is no way you can hear about some tantrum thrown by a rude, entitled brat without drawing a straight line to Kris Jenner or Kim Kardashian. 

On “KUWTK” when the Jendashians are vacationing at a resort in the Caribbean and endlessly arguing and whining over who hurt who’s feelings while eating lobsters and swilling champagne, that has an impact on their fellow simple minds. (Begrudgingly Kris Jenner is anything but simple-minded. She is a modern day marketing genius. Yes, we throw genius around too much. But anyone who can make that much money with, not little talent, no talent, is a type of genius) 

Even though they did not win the Stanley Cup, a strong congratulations to the Nashville Predators and their organization. They are the anti-San Diego Chargers.

They took a non-hockey college football town and turned them into fanatics just by hard work and smart marketing. Partly because hockey is such a great sport and they knew, if exposed correctly, the awesome Vanderbilt fans would convert.

The Predators pooled their considerable resources in country music and got to know their fans on a grass roots level. Now they have a contending team and a loyal fan base. 

Conversely, the lazy, fat and stupid Chargers owner, Dean Spanos, is renting a little City of Carson soccer field and he has the utter contempt of all former Charger fans. 

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Angus McSugarTuchus

A hay-nan-nanny and a hah-cha-cha, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Kim Kardashian said there was a 0% chance her mom, Kris, would ever speak to Caitlyn Jenner again after her book. What’s that? Caitlyn caused “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” ratings to raise? This just in: Kris Jenner welcomes back Caitlyn with open arms.

Khloe Kardashian and Kendall Jenner have been accused of stealing fashion designs. That is silly. Even stealing something requires doing some work. 

In the 2016 elections, Russia interfered with 39 state’s voting systems. This explains why Nebraska elected a congressman named Putin McPutinface.

In his Senate testimony, Atty Gen., Jeff Sessions, called charges of collusion “an appalling and  detestable lie.” And then Sessions adjusted his bonnet and hoop skirt.

LA Dodger, Yasiel Puig, gave Cleveland fans two middle fingers. Puig now claims he was just trying to help them add the two RBI’s he scored to their score sheet. 

Or as they call two middle fingers in New York: a high-two.

A trading card company is betting the value of an autographed LaVar Bell trading card, not his son, Lonzo, the father LaVar, is worth $60. That sounds right. Wait. $60 is what LaVar would pay us to take the card, right?

Remember when Dusty Baker’s 3-year-old son, Darren, had to be swept up at home plate by JT Snow in the World Series? Darren was drafted today by the Washington Nationals. Go ahead and sit down. 

LA Dodger, Yasiel Puig, gave fans the finger. Now there is a rumor his batting glove was corked.

Khloe Kardashian and Kendall Jenner have been accused of stealing fashion designs. That is silly. Even stealing something requires doing some work. 

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

A number of juvenile great white sharks have been spotted in the ocean off San Diego. But do not worry, juvenile sharks never look up from their phones long enough to do any harm.

Last year, Kevin Durant was with the Oklahoma Thunder, this year he won the MVP for the Golden State Warriors. In Kevin’s case, MVP stands for Moving Very Promptly. 

Demi Moore revealed she is missing her two front teeth. When she starred with Tom Cruise in “A Few Good Men,” Cruise kept yelling, “You can’t handle the tooth.” 

The Nadi X yoga pants vibrate when your pose is incorrect. Which explains the new yoga pose: downward bad dog.

Sam Panopoulos, the man who invented the Hawaiian pizza, pineapple and ham, passed away at 83. Panopoulos is a Greek word that means “Nothing can mess up pizza.”

Donald Trump’s friend, Christopher Ruddy, started to say Donald Trump is considering firing Robert Mueller as special counsel. Ruddy did not get to finish talking because Trump fired him as a friend. 

The Golden State Warriors beat the Cleveland Cavaliers to win the NBA title. It was sweet when Kevin Durant, who left Oklahoma for the Warriors, brought his mother on the court. But it got awkward when Kevin’s mother left Kevin and decided to start cheering for Steph Curry.

Did you see the expressions on Melania and Barron Trump’s faces when they walked on the White House lawn? They looked like they found out “The Mummy” was playing in the White House theater.

Ivanka Trump said she was not prepared for the level of viciousness aimed at her father. And that is just from Melania about moving into the White House.

New York Yankee, Aaron Judge, just hit a home run 496 feet, the farthest since ESPN has been keeping track. That ball traveled farther than Tiger Woods on Xanax. 

“The Mummy,” is a box office disaster. The only people who went to see “The Mummy,” were the people who thought it was a documentary about Wonder Woman’s mother.

After the Pittsburgh Penguins won the Stanley Cup, a Nashville Predator fan swore at NBC announcer, Mike Milbury. Milbury looked mad. Even his scowl had a scowl. 

Since you asked:

“Strunk and White, The Element of Style.”

“It’s as timeless as a book can be in our age of volubility.” — “The New York Times”

Chapter 5: An Approach To Style (With a list of reminders)

#14. Avoid fancy words.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Wally's a goose,
He's not a moose
He's on the loose
And full of juice, 
Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Counting Russian hookers, the James Comey memo is now the second most serious thing that has been leaked on Donald Trump. 

Tiger Woods told police he was on Vicodin and Xanax during his DUI. And before that Tiger was on Senextra and Felascian but those were strippers, not pills.

They spotted a rare albino baby dolphin in Monterey Bay. They think the albino dolphin is in trouble, not its health, but because it used the N-word. 

Tristen Thompson’s NBA finals slump has been blamed on his dating Khloe Kardashian and the silly Kardashian jock-curse. Kardashian women have been blamed for the tail-spin of careers of Kris Humphries and Reggie Bush, they put Lamar Odom in a coma and made Bruce Jenner a woman and OJ Simpson a killer, but, oh my god, Tristen, break up with Khloe right now. 

In North Carolina, a pretty, brunette 25-year-old female math teacher, Erin McCauliffe, was arrested for having sex with three male students. She was charged with three counts of sexual activities with a student, and the three students were charged with excessive high-fiving. 

Erin claims she was just teaching them how many time 3 goes into 25. 

My math teacher had a hairy mole and a glass eye that made everyone she questioned ask, “Who me?” 

Since you asked:

As the story goes, Thomas A. Edison was sent home from school as a child with a note he was instructed not to read, but to give to his mother. Upon reading the note, Mrs. Edison’s eyes welled with tears. She said; 

“It says, “Your son is a genius and we can no longer give him the education he needs. Please homeschool him.”

So Thomas Edison is homeschooled by his beloved mother, a great teacher, and grows up to be the greatest inventor of all time. 

After his dear mother passed passed, Thomas went through her desk drawers and found the letter from his teacher. He opened it and it said,

“Your soon is an imbecile and we will not teach him anymore. He is expelled.”

So what did we learn? 

Thomas Edison’s mother was a liar.