Saturday, June 10, 2017

The Quintessential Gambini, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“Free the Nipple” is a celebrity-driven campaign to make it acceptable to show the female nipple in public. Now this is a campaign teenage boys can really grasp.

Golden State Warrior, Draymond Green, said the people of Cleveland don’t seem to be the sharpest people. Then Green left to finish his dissertation on quantum physics. Just kidding, he kicked someone in the groin again.

Nobody is qualified to insult the intelligence of an entire US city, like Cleveland. But especially not someone like Draymond Green, who has kicked so many guys in the crotch his foot has jock itch.

Friday, June 09, 2017

Katy Perry has released a new album called “Witness.” And no, it is not about James Comey. 

Katy Perry released a new album called “Witness.” The closely shorn blonde Perry also entered a celebrity lookalike contest and placed second as Justin Beiber and third as Kristen Stewart. 

This week was VP Mike Pence’s 58th birthday. He made a wish, blew out the candles, and, bam, Caitlyn Jenner was Bruce Jenner again. 

When asked if oval office tapes existed, James Comey replied, “Oh Lordy, I hope there are tapes.” Then, to everyone’s shock, Comey donned a top hat, grabbed a cane and performed “Swanee, How I Love Ya.”

Chef, Bobby Flay, has bought 25% of a horse running in the Belmont Stakes, J Boys Echo. This marks the only time you want to hear the words chef, bought, horse and stakes all in the same sentence.

Love "NBC" Stanley Cup coverage, but would someone pull the stick out of Mike Milbury's butt and see if it carbon dates back to Noah's Ark?

Thursday, June 08, 2017

Yesterday was VP Mike Pence’s 58th birthday. He made a wish, blew out the candles, and, bam, Caitlyn Jenner was Bruce Jenner again. 

Forget Trump-Comey, the real feud is Taylor Swift-Katy Perry. Now they’re fighting over who is going to release a single of a cover of Prince's, “Little Red Covfefe.” 

“Forbes” claims Eric Trump charged a charity fighting children’s cancer over $1 mil. for a golf outing. That’s sleazy even for the guy who looks like he sells cocaine to vampires. 


Plus this

Equals this

North Korea said the US’s pulling out of the Paris Accord was short-sighted and silly. This from a country led by the unholy spawn of “The Three Stooges’” Mo and Kid ’N Play. 

They're not apt to get nervy if we put Doc on the street Howitzer, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

One of the facts to come out in the ex-FBI director, James Comey’s testimony was that he has not had, as it is medically called, a scrotal-plasty, or, as Trump called it, a nut-job.

It would be wrong to say, during the Comey hearing,  FLA Sen. Marco Rubio appeared like a lap-dog for Donald Trump, but after, Rubio did test positive for Snausages and Kibble. 

During the Stanley Cup Playoffs, the Pittsburgh Penguins have accused the Nashville Predators of piping in amplified crowd noise.This turns out to be fake boos.
(Assist AN)

Fired FBI director, James Comey, released his written testimony. “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you,” said Tiger Woods, Bill Maher and Kathy Griffin.

A peacock walked into an LA liquor store and reportedly did $500 in damages. Nobody can remember buying expensive wine in the store, and yet the one wine bottle the peacock broke was worth $500. What are the odds?

There is an awkward video of Jerry Seinfeld not allowing Ke$ha to hug him on a red carpet. To be fair to Jerry, the last person to hug Ke$ha got a nasty $TD.

Since you asked:

Not to brag - but if I don’t, nobody will - I consider myself fortunate to have played many sports. Before the era of coaches bilking, I mean, making a living on year-round travel teams and forcing kids to play one sport all year, we played a lot of sports. Of the three main sports, football was by far my best, but I was pretty good at basketball and not so good at baseball. Stunk, actually. 

Track became my favorite thanks to the Decathlon. 

But my best sport by far was wrestling. The problem was I did not like it. But I was such a good wrestler in 7th grade, I wasn’t just beating guys two years older and 20 pounds heavier, I was pinning them in 30 seconds. To be immodest, but honest, I was a bit of a prodigy. Comparisons to Dan Gable and such. Articles in local papers, “The Winnetka Talk” and such. 

Part of the reason I was so good at wrestling was I wanted to get done as fast as possible. And I was lucky to have a great coach in Mr. Duma, who won the Big Ten title for Northwestern in his weight division. Which I think was about 150 pounds. It helps when you armed with moves the other guy does not know. 

Then one match I spent under the armpit of a freckled, fat, incredibly smelly farm boy who was 35 pounds heavier than me and I quit that instant. My coach, the aforementioned awesome Mr Duma had tears in his eyes when I quit and practically promised me a scholarship at NU if I stuck with it. He felt like he it was his fault since he kept putting me up against older and heavier opponents until one of the them beat me.  But I was through. 

Truth is the thought of that big oaf’s smelly arm pit still makes me wretch. To this day when I smell rancid animal-fat garbage, I think of him.

Tennis was my sport after college for a little while, but the sport did not fit my personality. Neither did the fragility of the racquets. Same with golf, but luckily I was so bad at golf, I was not a club thrower. 

Of my serious recreational sports, three were water based, if you include snow as water. Snowboarding, windsurfing, and mini-triathlons. Sailing I also loved, but I did not get into in a big way. But, again, in all modesty, I was good at it. 

Thanks to my dad and my friend, Chuck Packer, teaching me sailing, I loved windsurfing and got heavily into it for many years in my late 20’s. Maui, Hood River and even our honeymoon, bless my wife Virg’s heart, was in Aruba. The windiest island in the world. At Aruba, I was clocked going 35 MPH with a radar gun. No lie. 

And now I am enjoying - relatively late in life - one of my most favorite sports and my fourth serious water sport, stand up paddle boarding/surfing. 

One thing that is true about water sports. The ocean or a big lake comes with its own spirituality. If you don’t believe there is a higher power, you have not been in a sailboat on Lake Michigan when a storm kicks in out of nowhere. Or windsurfing in Mexico when the wind and the waves kick up 50%. Or when you are paddling along and a dolphin breaches right next to your board. 

There is no other sports venue/terrain like the ocean or a big lake to quickly reprimand you for hubris. 

As soon as the thought so much as enters your head, “Oh, yeah, I got this, this is easy,” the wind will pick up, a wave will hit you, you will get a cramp or on two occasions for me, a stingray will stab you.

The great woman surfer, Keala Kennelly, said it the best: 

“The best surfer is the one having the most fun.” 

By that measure I was the best surfer in the world on Sunday morning. 

Wednesday, June 07, 2017

Eric Trump told “Fox News,” his father’s critics were not even people. Then Eric excused himself and went to sleep in his coffin. 

TMZ has a feature called “Guess Who,” where you guess the identity of celebrity’s children pictures. You can tell the older stars, their pictures are in black and white. Or in Larry King’s case, a cave painting. 

"Sorry. We're going in a less-creepy direction." 

What they would tell Eric Trump if he tried out for  a zombie on "The Walking Dead."

“Wonder Woman” was amazing. Especially that scene where they had to drag a Vietnamese-American doctor off of her invisible jet. 

The owner of the biggest “Star Wars,” collection said he had $200,000 worth of items stolen. That is $200,000 he could have spent not going on dates.

In Australia, a horse, Horsey McHorseface, inspired by the English ship almost named Boaty McBoatface, won his first race. The horse Glue McGlueface did not do as well. Also rounding out the field were Covfefe McCovfefeface and Whaboom McWhaboomface. 

A “Forbes” article claims Donald Trump shifted donations for fighting children’s cancer into his business. “Oh, he’s good,” said Satan.

“Today” show rumor has a rift between Hoda and Kathy Lee. The rift must be bad because, if wine is a social lubricant, these two have enough to lubricate a waterpark. 

They revealed 15 features of the upcoming iPhone 8. But nine of the features are just explaining the word Covfefe.

George and Amal Clooney had twins, Ella and Alexander. Wait. What is with the weirdly normal names? No Gumdoodle or Parsnip? 

We found out what Cofveve was. It was the nickname of Caitlyn Jenner’s former penis.

“The” ranked the most promiscuous cities in the world and Paris was #2. You know which city was the most promiscuous? Whatever city has the most Kardashians in it. 

“Wonder Woman” made $100 million at the box office. But because she is a woman, she only gets to keep $83 million. 

In the Stanley Cup, Nashville Predator, PK Subban said Pittsburgh Penguin, Sidney Crosby, said he had bad breath, but he used Listerine. Added Subban, “After I used Listerine, I drove my Lexus to Whole Foods while listening to Sirius radio.”  


Colleen Campbell, the human piece of fetid poop that was arrested at a Philadelphia comedy club, deserves the misery she is about to endure. Just wait for her lawsuits against the club, the cops and her former employee. She should have a bounty on her head.

Please, media, do not ever employ Colleen Campbell ever again.

Tuesday, June 06, 2017

The Allman Brothers Band-Ain't Wastin' Time No More

Monday, June 05, 2017

Phil Mickelson will miss the US Open for daughter's graduation. Tiger Woods will not miss the US Open. He will probably hit it with his car.

Sunday, June 04, 2017

With the help of god and two friends, I've come to realize, I still got two strong legs, ain't wastin' time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Anaheim Angel, Albert Pujols, hit his historic 600th home run. In addition, Pujols won the award for “Surname that makes teenagers giggle the most.”

Golfer Phil Mickelson announced he will miss the US Open to attend his daughter, Amanda’s high school graduation. Tiger Woods will also miss the US Open to receive his Florida Driver of the Month award.


Golfer Phil Mickelson announced he will miss the US Open to attend his daughter, Amanda’s high school graduation. Tiger Woods will also miss the US Open but that's because he is going to try and drive there.

The Golden State Warriors are cruising past the Cleveland Cavaliers in two easy home wins. At this point even the Cleveland Browns are saying to the Cavaliers, “Dudes, its over.” 

Since you asked:

Before anyone starts feeling sorry for Tiger Woods, let’s remember this is a guy who cheated on the mother of his two children with 120 women and who is worth almost a billion dollars and has 14 major wins. 

Having said that, I don’t care how famous someone is, they do not deserve to have their privacy invaded by having the police release his arrest videos. That was beyond sleazy. Yes, I watched them like everyone else. How could you not? But the person or persons who got paid to release those videos should be fired.

Where Nike and Tiger went wrong was in building into Tiger's image the Phil Mickelson/Jack Nicklaus ideal father facade. That fit Tiger about as well as it did nee Bruce Jenner, but for obviously different reasons. 

Most people can spot a phony a mile away. 

Sir Nick Faldo had the major-cajones to, on air, throw the blame on Phil Mickelson's daughter Amanda's school, Carlsbad's private Pacific Ridge, for not rescheduling graduation so Phil can play the Open. 

Good for them for not rescheduling. As beloved as Phil is in the San Diego area - and he is deeply beloved because he is a genuinely a great guy - he still is just one dad of one kid. 

Sir Nick Faldo's Sir Giant Ego aside, never has it been more important to teach children that being rich and famous does not make you more important than everyone else. 

While I am a fan of Bill Maher, his enormous ego is constantly bouncing checks. And I sort-of-know a female writer who claims she got fired because she would not sleep with him, but she was also a foul-mouthed, bitter malcontent, so who knows if it was true? (It probably was) 

Bill Maher is smart enough to know no white guy can use the N-word on TV. Period. Yes, Maher was sort of making a bad self-depricating joke about being too whimpy and dainty to be a field slave, but that is not what people heard. 

They heard a rich white guy use the N-word. 

Bill Maher is many things. He is smart, reportedly difficult, prickly, sensitive to the point of being touchy, funny, talented, quick-witted, shrewd, ambitious, egotistical, arrogant, a well-known drug-use advocate, snotty, pompous and highly well-educated and well-informed. 

One thing I am sure Bill Maher is not is a racist.

Bill Maher is not merely smart for Hollywood. High school graduate, Ben Affleck, is smart for Hollywood and he argued on Bill's show in defense of ISIS, clearly demonstrating Ben did not know what ISIS is. Bill Maher is real life smart graduating from Cornell with a double degree in English and History. 

Bill Maher has a devoted following of liberals, but his angry views against organized religion have offended people on both sides of the aisle. One of the most amazing things Bill Maher has done in his stellar comedy career is being able to deeply offend both Christians and Muslims. (Don't even ask how much Catholics hate him) 

Yes Maher has a devoted cult of fans, but Bill Maher also has too many enemies out there to keep making stupid mistakes. 

Nobody should lose their career over one stupid mistake no matter how big it is, especially the sweet-hearted and kind Kathy Griffin. 

But just like the long-time sports writer for the "Denver Post" who tweeted out that he was not comfortable with a Japanese winner of the Indy 500, Terry Frei was not fired for a racist tweet, which it was, he was fired for being stupid enough to tweet it.

Bill Maher was fired from ABC for - and I paraphrase - saying terrorists were brave and the people who kill them with drones were cowards. That may have been his opinion, but it is incredibly stupid thing to say on the air pre or post 9/11. And it cost him the show “Politically Incorrect.” But the show’s ratings were way down, so he probably did ABC a favor.   

Maher has found a home on HBO and a niche with his latest show, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” it is a smart and funny show and he will probably, hopefully, get to keep it. But Maher will get to keep it because of good ratings, not because what he said wasn’t colossally stupid. It was. 

Although it bodes badly that the incredibly smart and funny senator, Al Franken, just cancelled on Maher. As a politician, Al could not look to be on the side of someone using the N-word. So maybe Bill is graveyard dead this time. Let's hope not. We need more funny voices of dissent, not less. 

We’ve seen it in politicians and new we see it a talk show host. It is called ignorance through arrogance. Even though they may be smart, the more arrogant they are, the more they think they're above the rules, the stupider they appear. 

One of the telling lines in “The History of the Eagles,” was when Glenn Frey was warned by their manager Irving Azoff, that, before signing him to replace Randy Meisner, Irving saw high-singing bass player, Timothy B. Schmit, drunk and gacked (coked-up) in a hotel bar. Frey responded, “Irving, if you had been playing in a band for $200 bucks a week for ten years, you’d be drunk and gacked up too.” 

Poco, the band Randy belonged to, was a pretty big band. Not Eagles big, but they toured, had songs on the radio and they released albums. And yet Timothy B. Schmit was only making $200 a week? 

And then he signs with the Eagles and he is a millionaire. 

With the Eagles, Glenn Frey went from a $75-a-month closet of an apartment in then-shady Echo Park to sharing a house with Don Henley that used to be owned by Dorothy Lamour with a 360-view of LA on top of Laurel Canyon with a grand white piano that James Cagney came over to play. 

When not touring, they woke up late, got a burger at the Rainbow bar on Sunset, wrote songs for a few hours songs and then drank all night at the Troubador. Rinse and repeat until rich and famous.

One tour the Eagles were flying coach and sharing cabs to Holiday Inns and playing college gyms. Their manager, Irving Azoff, would get the guys invited to a sorority party so they could spend the night and not have to pay for hotel rooms. The next tour they were in a private jet taking a limo to their four star hotel and playing in NFL stadiums. 

Feast or famine doesn’t even begin to describe the music business. 

Comedy is much the same way. 

How rough is the comedy business? You know academy award winner and one of the funniest people on the planet, Jamie Foxx? His name was Eric Bishop. But, in 1989, the Comedy Store’s owner, the barking mad Mitzy Shore, was on a mission to only promote women comedians so he changed it to Jamie Foxx so they would think he was a woman and get stage time. He later amended the story to say it was in homage of Red Foxx. 

As the hilarious Dave Attell put it so well, if your dream is to fly to from LA to Wichita, do two shows on Friday and Saturday and have enough cash left over to spend one hour in a strip club and then masturbate to porn in your dingy hotel room, then comedy is for you.

After beating the Pittsburgh Penguins 5-1 in game three, the Nashville Predators are back in the Stanley Cup. I’m a fan of the Predators since I learned their mascot is neither Bill Cosby nor Anthony Weiner.

After the game, Predators P.K. Subban said the Penguins, Sidney Crosby, told him his breath stunk. Look, PK, if you want a mouth wash endorsement, just ask for one. 

Canadians are so polite, they don't trash talk, they, "Let me recycle this for you, eh?" talk.