Thursday, June 08, 2017

They're not apt to get nervy if we put Doc on the street Howitzer, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

One of the facts to come out in the ex-FBI director, James Comey’s testimony was that he has not had, as it is medically called, a scrotal-plasty, or, as Trump called it, a nut-job.

It would be wrong to say, during the Comey hearing,  FLA Sen. Marco Rubio appeared like a lap-dog for Donald Trump, but after, Rubio did test positive for Snausages and Kibble. 

During the Stanley Cup Playoffs, the Pittsburgh Penguins have accused the Nashville Predators of piping in amplified crowd noise.This turns out to be fake boos.
(Assist AN)

Fired FBI director, James Comey, released his written testimony. “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you,” said Tiger Woods, Bill Maher and Kathy Griffin.

A peacock walked into an LA liquor store and reportedly did $500 in damages. Nobody can remember buying expensive wine in the store, and yet the one wine bottle the peacock broke was worth $500. What are the odds?

There is an awkward video of Jerry Seinfeld not allowing Ke$ha to hug him on a red carpet. To be fair to Jerry, the last person to hug Ke$ha got a nasty $TD.

Since you asked:

Not to brag - but if I don’t, nobody will - I consider myself fortunate to have played many sports. Before the era of coaches bilking, I mean, making a living on year-round travel teams and forcing kids to play one sport all year, we played a lot of sports. Of the three main sports, football was by far my best, but I was pretty good at basketball and not so good at baseball. Stunk, actually. 

Track became my favorite thanks to the Decathlon. 

But my best sport by far was wrestling. The problem was I did not like it. But I was such a good wrestler in 7th grade, I wasn’t just beating guys two years older and 20 pounds heavier, I was pinning them in 30 seconds. To be immodest, but honest, I was a bit of a prodigy. Comparisons to Dan Gable and such. Articles in local papers, “The Winnetka Talk” and such. 

Part of the reason I was so good at wrestling was I wanted to get done as fast as possible. And I was lucky to have a great coach in Mr. Duma, who won the Big Ten title for Northwestern in his weight division. Which I think was about 150 pounds. It helps when you armed with moves the other guy does not know. 

Then one match I spent under the armpit of a freckled, fat, incredibly smelly farm boy who was 35 pounds heavier than me and I quit that instant. My coach, the aforementioned awesome Mr Duma had tears in his eyes when I quit and practically promised me a scholarship at NU if I stuck with it. He felt like he it was his fault since he kept putting me up against older and heavier opponents until one of the them beat me.  But I was through. 

Truth is the thought of that big oaf’s smelly arm pit still makes me wretch. To this day when I smell rancid animal-fat garbage, I think of him.

Tennis was my sport after college for a little while, but the sport did not fit my personality. Neither did the fragility of the racquets. Same with golf, but luckily I was so bad at golf, I was not a club thrower. 

Of my serious recreational sports, three were water based, if you include snow as water. Snowboarding, windsurfing, and mini-triathlons. Sailing I also loved, but I did not get into in a big way. But, again, in all modesty, I was good at it. 

Thanks to my dad and my friend, Chuck Packer, teaching me sailing, I loved windsurfing and got heavily into it for many years in my late 20’s. Maui, Hood River and even our honeymoon, bless my wife Virg’s heart, was in Aruba. The windiest island in the world. At Aruba, I was clocked going 35 MPH with a radar gun. No lie. 

And now I am enjoying - relatively late in life - one of my most favorite sports and my fourth serious water sport, stand up paddle boarding/surfing. 

One thing that is true about water sports. The ocean or a big lake comes with its own spirituality. If you don’t believe there is a higher power, you have not been in a sailboat on Lake Michigan when a storm kicks in out of nowhere. Or windsurfing in Mexico when the wind and the waves kick up 50%. Or when you are paddling along and a dolphin breaches right next to your board. 

There is no other sports venue/terrain like the ocean or a big lake to quickly reprimand you for hubris. 

As soon as the thought so much as enters your head, “Oh, yeah, I got this, this is easy,” the wind will pick up, a wave will hit you, you will get a cramp or on two occasions for me, a stingray will stab you.

The great woman surfer, Keala Kennelly, said it the best: 

“The best surfer is the one having the most fun.” 

By that measure I was the best surfer in the world on Sunday morning.