Saturday, April 01, 2017

There is an online test that determines how narcissistic you are. I started to take the test, but, frankly, I am way too important to bother with it.

A survey shows the number of older women binge drinking has increased significantly. Asked to comment, Hillary Clinton said, “Shut up and do a Jager shot.” 

Costal Carolina University suspended their cheerleading squad and they did not say why. Seriously, this steroid epidemic is out of control.

Donald Trump held an executive order signing ceremony and he walked out forgetting to sign. As he was walking away, Trump got upset when a reporter yelled; “You had one job.”

Thursday, March 30, 2017

North Korea is furious about a joke John McCain made calling Kim Jong Un “The crazy fat kid…” John, please. It is not the crazy fat kid. It is called Alternative- Sanity, Body- Density- Rich.

You know what would be a story? North Korea not being furious about something.

Russia’s Vladimir Putin called US election meddling accusations lies. And then Putin had the US election meddling accusations poisoned.

A survey shows 3/4 of Russians believe their government is corrupt. The other 1/4 was poisoned to death.

Ivanka Trump will take an official government position as a presidential advisor. And Eric Trump will take an official position as White House Head Bro of Jaegermeister Blasts.

Today is “National Doctors Day.” It’s like “Groundhog Day,” but when a rubber glove pops into a hole.

Rumor has it that Donald Trump declined throwing out the first pitch at the Nationals game because his throwing is not impressive. Let’s put it this way, Trump’s throws are more awkward than his hugs with Eric.

Rumor has it that Donald Trump declined throwing out the first pitch at the Nationals game because his throwing is not impressive. In fact, when Trump throws, even that thing on his head snickers.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Viking Cruises just announced they are adding resident historians. Shouldn't a historian know you should not name a ship after Vikings?  That's like calling a dating app Rapists Anonymous. 

How did they come up with the name Viking for a cruise ship? Was the name Marauding Pirates taken?

Nobody was badly hurt, but in Dallas, Seahawks QB, Trevone Boykin, was arrested for intoxication when a drunk women he was in the car with hit seven pedestrians and a bar. And they’re going to put an NFL team in Las Vegas. What a good idea.

Not that this is an excuse for driving into it, but the name of the bar was the Do Drop Inn. 

Donald Trump complained the desk he signed bills on was too small. One of his aides then whispered to Trump, “Psst, we’re trying to make your hands look bigger.” 

Cyclone Debbie is battering north-east Australia. It was awkward when Ed. Sec., Betsy DeVos said she hopes the home of “The Sound of Music,” is OK.

Cyclone Debbie is battering north-east Australia. Wow, those Russian hackers have more power than we thought.

Besides the NCAA tournament, in the NIT tournament, 8th ranked Cal State Bakersfield is in the semis. In a more interesting story, a dog on our street barked.  

Besides the NCAA tournament, in the NIT tournament, 8th ranked Cal State Bakersfield is in the semis. But to be candid, I am not sure even Cal State Bakersfield gives a damn. 

Monday, March 27, 2017

The NFL owners have voted 31-1 to let the Oakland Raiders move to Las Vegas. Young, fit, rich, testosterone-crazed egomaniacs in a town with 24-hour gambling, drinking, hookers and strippers. What could possibly go wrong? 

“60 Minutes,” just did a story on fake news. Although I’m not sure I believe it. 

The economy is tough. For a fee, Russian hackers are now offering to rig your pants. 

Since “60 Minutes,” did a story of opponents of Vladimir Putin getting poisoned, more Putin critics have been poisoned. Today Donald Trump just named Chris Christie Sec. of Food Tasting. 

A study claims staring at boobs for ten minutes a day increases your lifespan. Wow, Dolly Parton is going to live forever.

In Mexico, they arrested the second accomplice in the Tom Brady stollen jersey caper. For the love of god, Rob Gronkowski, get some help. 

“60 Minutes,” just did a story on how you can trump up your Twitter retweets and likes. Not to mention any names, but someone is jacking up their twitter-likes bigly.  

In the NCAA tournament you have Gonzaga versus South Carolina in the semis. Once I heard about a guy who went to Las Vegas and caught Gonzaga in his Gamecock, but the penicillin cleared it up.

The economy is tough. Harrison Ford had to crash-land his plane because he ran out of gas.

The economy is tough. Barack Obama had to wire-tap a brokerage firm to get investment tips for his retirement. 

Two teenage girls were not allowed to board a flight from Minneapolis to Denver because they were wearing spandex. That is harsh. Now any man over 40 in bike shorts? They should be on the no-fly list.

For the first time, the South Carolina Gamecocks are in the NCAA final four. Remembers, guys, if your gamecock lasts over four hours, call a doctor. 

41-year-old Facebook pioneer, Taner Halicioglu, donated $75 mil to his alma mater, UCSD. Or as parents call that: paying tuition.

The rumor is NFL teams are afraid of picking Colin Kaerpernick for fear of getting a nasty tweet from Trump. If she could throw into cover 2 defense in the red zone, NFL teams would sign Typhoid Mary. 

Kentucky lost to North Carolina 75-73 on a buzzer beater. People in Kentucky have not been this depressed since they made it illegal to bring your sister to the prom.