Friday, March 03, 2017

Thursday, March 02, 2017

They Zombie Wannabees, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Antartica reported its highest temperature ever with 64 degrees. It was so warm, the penguins changed into their “Springs out, Wings Out” tank tops.

(not ashamed to say I love this joke. Yes, it is stupid, but I love it) 

Antartica reported its highest temperature ever with 64 degrees and their was a snow storm watch in Hawaii. But some things haven’t changed. It still sucked to be in Trenton, NJ.

The good news for Justin Bieber is, for his 23rd birthday, Justin Bieber has been named an honorary mayor of a town in France. The bad news? It is the town of Anus, France.

In LA, a customer threw a glass and hit a comedian who made a Donald Trump penis joke about the Washington Monument. “Don’t throw a glass, I love that joke,” said Trump.

Casey Affleck’s Best Actor Oscar has renewed attention to Affleck’s sexual harassment charges. It has also postponed Affleck’s documentary, “Free Bill Cosby.” 

London is holding a penis conference. Actually, they are not. I just wanted to write a joke with the words “Holding a penis” in it. 

Baltimore Ravens lineman, John Urschel, received four A’s in the PHD program at MIT. While many NFL players were getting DUI’s in SUV’s. 

Since you asked:

Under the theory you gotta get your ying to get your yang, or go low when they go high, I think it is a good exercise to try and write a really awful, awful joke. Here is today’s.

Retired Chicago Cub catcher, David Ross, is on “Dancing With The Stars.” Not to say Grandpa Rossy is getting up there, but when he came into the league, “Dancing With the Stars” was just “Dancing With The Interstellar Gas Before It Condenses To Stars.” 

Nothing about that “joke” makes sense on any level. Not that making sense is all that important for a good joke, but this has the added bonus of not making a lick of sense and being horribly unfunny. 

What this is asking you to believe is that David Ross came into the league when the show, “Dancing With The Stars,” which did not exist then, not only did exist, but predated the forming of stars in our universe. And then they named  the show, before the earth was formed, after those unformed stars. 

Forget it. The epic stupidity of this premise and the punchline goes beyond the possibility of explaining it.  

Let's put it this way:

If sipping champagne and having sex with Olivia Munn on India cotton sheets overlooking the ocean on a moonlit night in Tahiti is a good joke, then this joke is getting kicked in the nuts by Rosie O’Donnell in a crack house in Gary, Indiana. 





The difference between movies and reality in a nutshell:

This is Kate, Doc Holliday's girlfriend in "Tombstone."

This is the real "Big Nose" Kate

Lex's Analysis Of Late Night Talk Shows

The ratings are in and it is official. It is the late night talk show triumvirate forever: Fallon, Colbert, Kimmel.

Jimmy Kimmel was a distant third, but he really helped his brand with a dead-solid hosting of a crazy Oscars. 

Jimmy Fallon is everyone’s favorite, but he seems to be coasting since his finger injury over a year ago got him off his guitar. And his pandering of Trump and tousling his combover was downright humiliating to watch. He lost cred on that. 

David Letterman was spinning in his Barcalounger. 

Stephen Colbert has really stepped up with his taking Trump on so strongly and his live shows. Colbert has become the leading Trump critic/authority. And his rising ratings show it.

Did not like Jimmy Kimmel for a long time. Although he graciously credits Letterman as his idol, Kimmel came up the route of the Howard Stern-wannabe shock jock, not through stand up. As a result, he seemed like the snarky little mean a-hole gossip in high school. Do not like his making kids cry over stealing their Halloween candy and “Mean Tweets” that he probably wrote himself. 

And the way Kimmel does faux/rip-off “Jay Walking” by misleading the victims with trick questions seems unfair and downright nasty. 

But after Kimmel’s great job during the Academy Awards and the fact that so many nice Hollywood types really like him. Plus he loves to grill, well, Jimmy has shot up in my book like he has in everyone else’s. 

But after the big three starting pitchers (yes, I know there are normally four) there is an awesome late night relief pitcher in Seth Meyers. Myers often has the best monologue. (Fallon's mono writers seem a little weak)  And Meyer's “Closer Look” is wicked insightful, as they say in his home state of New Hampshire. 

Fallon is so gifted. But Seth Meyers is probably my favorite due to his all around abilities. Jimmy Fallon is talented as he can be, but he fawns too much on his guests. (If you made a drinking game out of every time Fallon called his guests the best or said he loved them, you would be enrolled in Passages Malibu by the weekend) 

But the best bit in all of late night - besides James Corden’s “Carpool Karaoke" - is “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell.” (Other than the amazing "CK," Corden seems like a snobby phony to me. Maybe it is the accent)

Love "Jokes Seth Can't Tell." Seth’s stable of writers is outstanding, but my two favorites, Amber Ruffin and Jenny Hagel, knock it out of the park on "JSCT" giving punchlines to black and lesbian jokes respectively with set-ups lobbed by non-female, non-black and non-gay Meyers. Jenny is whip-smart, but Amber will and should be a star. 

After that it is Trevor Noah and Samantha Bee providing damn good solid political sound bites. (Samantha kinda creeps me with the way she seems to intensely lean forward and is coming at you)

And somehow, almost like Milton in “Office Space,” the network bosses just forgot about Carson Daly and left him on the air. 

You Just Never Know

Facebook can be interesting because you witness first-hand people figuring it out as they go. 

In many ways, I feel like I had a good head start because I was on AOL and active in political chat rooms in the 90’s and I witnessed decency and comportment get shoved out by rude selfish entitlement. 

"You suck."

"No, you suck."

And I had a blog, so I learned to refine what I published the hard way. By hearing from people who did not like what I posted or were downright offended. 

For example, just learning that sarcasm does not translate into social media posts takes time. 


But, despite the obvious advertising and other annoyances, Facebook has put me back in touch with cherished childhood friends. And in one case, a great childhood friend, Big Lew. We were able to renew our friendship for two years before he passed suddenly. Facebook has a lot of faults, but I was always be grateful to it for that. (Miss you, you big lug, Big Lew) 

There is a tricky gap between being candid and honest in posts and shameless Facebook bragging. One of the most  psychotically competitive families in the world were shameless Facebook braggers. You had to wonder how much good fortune could befall one family. Tahoe. Mammoth. Paris. Children winning trophies. Sunsets in Maui. When did they win the lottery? 

Until they stopped posting for a few months and you found out they were going through an especially ugly divorce. 

You just never know. 

Nobody wants to see posts about how hard it is to get a stain out of their toilet. (pictures included) But also nobody wants to hear about how hard it is to decide between a margarita or a daiquiri on a beach in Tahiti. 

Don Henley of the Eagles once wrote in “After The Thrill Is Gone,”

“What do you do when your dreams come true and they’re not quite like you planned?”

What do you do? You have the decency to keep it to your damn self. And off of Facebook.

One guy from high school  - whom I follow on Facebook - was at our 35 year high school reunion five years ago. He is a stocky guy with a booming voice. After I shook hands with him at a party - and he tried in vain to crush my hand -  I heard him bellow, 

“Wow. Alex Kaseberg has really changed since high school.”

Not what you want to hear. 

But yes, although I still have my hair, and (knock on wood) it hasn’t gone grey yet, it is shorter than high school. And I do have a barbecue and wine-related gut.  And somehow my face has a gut too. And I wear glasses if I don’t want to be living in an impressionist painting. And there is a trying-to-be-cool-goatee turning gray. And too much sun-drenched decathlon/windsurfing/stand-up paddle boarding has more than taken its toll on my alabaster complexion. Lost track of the skin cancer procedures. None melanoma, so, again, knock on wood.

Did I mention the love of wine? So yes, I have earned my weathered mileage visage and am fairly proud of it. But I would love to lose the gut and the face-gut. 

The guy who was booming out how much I have changed? He had gone bald, he had a gray beard and he had a huge-ass beer belly. 

So eff that a-wad right in the beester. 

One woman I knew a little bit in high school, but not well, yet I remembered her as a nice girl, was friends of my friends so we became Facebook friends. 

She wasn’t a shameless Facebook bragger, but she had moved to central-coast CA with her boyfriend from Chicago and they were a fun/artistic couple who took advantage and appreciated the move from Illinois to California.  They went to wine tastings. They went to restaurant openings. They picked avocados. They did stand up paddle boarding, bless their hearts. They went to art gallery openings. Brunch was huge. They saw awesome folks in concert like Bonnie Raitt, John Hiatt, Emmy Lou Harris, James Taylor, John Prine, Jackson Browne.

Their pictures looked good but they looked their age. Maybe even older. They were slim, bless their hearts, but also slightly stooped and gray. 

The other day she posted on Facebook:

“Good news. The blood work is back and I can get the bone marrow transplant and Dave - (her boyfriend) - can get his kidney transplant.”

The moral? You just never know what people are going through. So be kind. 

Now, I mentioned the passing of Big Lew. This became really hard on another mutual friend Rich the Temms. Between the loss of Lew and the political squabbles, he left Facebook for a few years. He just came back and he posted a picture of himself with a beautiful old black lab named Biskit. 

Sadly, Biskit has just passed, but this was not a surprise to Temms. He and his lovely wife adopt senior and dying dogs and spoil them rotten before they go. Biskit had heart disease. Isn’t it amazing they do that? 

Well, it turns out another old high school friend, Carrie the D. not only adopts old dogs too, but she then takes the dogs to the hospital she’s in charge of that specializes in dementia and Alzheimers. 

She brought her 16-year-old dog to a patient, an old woman who has only muttered gibberish for two years. 

The old woman started talking in full sentences to her dog. 

You just never know. 

Speaking of the Eagles.

Was walking Wally for a 30 minute power walk tonight and some young punk came driving by blasting music and speeding.

“Why that freaging shazzerssham,” I muttered. “If I could I would flammers glinks him right in the wagger stocky.”

He then pulled up to the stop sign and I could clearly hear the loud music:

“I gotta know if your sweet love is gonna saaaaave meeeeee. Ewww ew. Ewwwww  ew.”

The last lines of “Take It Easy.”

(Sniff) There is hope, folks. There is hope. 

It has now been seven years since they found a severed hand in Palmdale, CA. And, happily, they still have not found anything in Dick Lick Springs, AK. 

Donald Trump has been accused of pandering to black and hispanic people. When asked to comment, Trump denied black/hispanic pandering saying, “That would be no bueno, homeboy.” 

Baltimore Ravens lineman, John Urschel, received four A’s in the PHD program at MIT. To which most NFL players said, “WTF?”   

It is the six-month anniversary of a man in San Francisco biting off the end of a bartender’s finger who would not serve him and police still have no leads. They had a hot tip, but they lost it. 

Apparently the man became irate when the bartender refused to give him a shot . . . of Two Fingers tequila. 
(What? They cannot all be gold) 

With the Blackhawks on a roll, this could be the year Chicago wins the World Series and the Stanley Cup. Why anything is possible, the Bears could even . . . how about those Blackhawks? 

Wednesday, March 01, 2017

Huge fan of both, but when did Marc the M turn into Mandy the P? 

Today is Ash Wednesday. Or as I call it, “Hey Pal, you got some stuff on your, oh, crap, I’m an idiot,” Day. 

Casey Affleck won the Oscar for Best Actor in “Manchester By The Sea.” Best thing to happen to a bearded guy in a man-bun since Starbucks increased their minimum wage.

Scientists developed an algorithm that can detect sarcasm better than humans. That has to be the most brilliant thing I’ve ever heard of not spoken by a Kardashian.  

At Coachella, a pregnant Beyonce is out and Lady Gaga is in. Nobody can legally discuss the details. There is a Gaga order. 

L.A. got a ton of rain. There is just nothing worse than the smell of a wet Casey Affleck beard. 

In his speech to congress, once again Donald Trump insulted the hell out of Chicago. It seems Trump is mad at Chicago. It’s as if the City of Big Shoulders made a joke about the dude with tiny hands. 

In Georgia, a waitress donated a kidney to a regular customer. That's awesome. When I ask for more coffee, the waitress acts like I asked for her kidney.  

In LA, a customer threw a glass at a comedian who made a Donald Trump penis joke about the Washington Monument. “No, I’ll take that comparison,” said Trump.

San Diego favorite, LaDanian Tomlinson, has agreed to be an advisor of the Los Angeles Chargers. Apparently L.T.  stands for Lugubrious Traitor. 

Kellyanne Conway performs some alternative sitting

Believe me, I am no fan of this double-talking, yappie lap dog. But seriously, Kellyanne haters, pick your fights. Who cares how she sits on the Oval Office couch? 

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Cash me ousside, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

You know the Oscars were crazy when, at the end, the host, Jimmy Kimmel, said, 

“Good night, everybody, and remember I am Jimmy Fallon.” 

Oscar guest, Gary from Chicago, had just done 20 years for grand theft. In a related story, Denzel Washington can find neither his wallet nor iPhone. 

Donald Trump is going to call for the renewal of human space exploration. And he going to start by volunteering Alec Baldwin.

Oscar guest, Gary from Chicago, had just done 20 years for grand theft. In a related story, the guest booker on “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” suffered a dislocated shoulder yanking Gary’s invite.

Many people are demanding the PricewaterhouseCooper executive who caused the Oscar mistake be fired. And going by that reaction, when you consider all the lives that were lost, he should be fired. What? No lives lost? No, he should not be fired.

People still talking about how the White House banned “The New York Times,” “CNN,” The Los Angeles Times,” and “Buzz Feed,” from a press meeting. This might explain “Buzz Feed” new list: “Top Ten Insects Up Sean Spicer’s Butt.” 

Last year, Leonardo DiCaprio won the Oscar for Best Actor in “The Revenant.” And this year, PricewaterhouseCooper won for “The Repentant.” 

It rained so much in LA, the only way people could get from the Vegan restaurant to sneaking in an In-N-Out Burger was by kayak.

During the memoriam at the Oscars, they included a woman who is still alive. Normally you’re not declared dead in Hollywood until you’re on “Dancing with the Stars.” 

To give you an idea how much it rained in LA, many studio executives had to travel from their Prius to their private jet by boat.

Since you asked:

Jimmy Kimmel did a damn good job as host of one of the most entertaining Oscars in a while.

And his joke about all actresses losing 45 pounds for a role was basically the same as Tina Fey's, but with a different subject in the premise and a differently worded punch line. 

And yet countless people on Twitter accused Kimmel of stealing from Fey. Fascinating. 

Nobody did, but if you ask me, Kimmel is bazonkerspoots if he cancels Gary from Chicago. This is talk show host gold and he has the rights to the mine. 

Insiders say when Donald Trump goes out to dinner, he always orders a steak well-done to crispy which he slathers in ketchup and then never, ever, offers to pay. You think a guy who loves to screw contractors will pay for a damn dinner? 

Does anyone need to know more than that? 

If Donald Trump had an ounce of talent at all, you would swear he was doing an amazing Benito Mussolini impersonation. 

Spain, trying to boost their nation's birth rate, has appointed a National Sex Tsar. Finally some good news for Bill Cosby.

The two most memorable moments of the Oscars: one, Nicole Kidman, a woman who does not know how to clap and, two, Warren Beatty, a guy who had the clap.

Killer whales were spotted in the Santa Barbara channel. Once they enter Santa Barbara waters, they change from Killer Whales to Totally Gnarly Whales. 

Monday, February 27, 2017

Spain is trying to increase its national birthrate. They want the US to do their part and appoint ex- New York Jet, Antonio Cromartie, the father of 13 kids with nine mothers, the Ambassador to Spain.

New England Patriot’s Julian Edelman posted pictures getting his beard cut off. And guess what? When they shaved his beard, they found Tom Brady’s missing Super Bowl jersey. 

Donald Trump met with the leaders of black colleges. Awkward moment when the founder  of Trump University asked them, “So how do you scam students out of their tuition?” 

The last time Warren Beatty got this upset over an envelope is when it was lab results from an obstetrician. 

The reviews are in and the Oscar host did a good job. So congratulations, Jimmy Fallon. Oh, no, I mean Jimmy Kimmel.