Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Oscar guest, Gary from Chicago, had just done 20 years for grand theft. In a related story, Denzel Washington can find neither his wallet nor iPhone. 

Donald Trump is going to call for the renewal of human space exploration. And he going to start by volunteering Alec Baldwin.

Oscar guest, Gary from Chicago, had just done 20 years for grand theft. In a related story, the guest booker on “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” suffered a dislocated shoulder yanking Gary’s invite.

Many people are demanding the PricewaterhouseCooper executive who caused the Oscar mistake be fired. And going by that reaction, when you consider all the lives that were lost, he should be fired. What? No lives lost? No, he should not be fired.

People still talking about how the White House banned “The New York Times,” “CNN,” The Los Angeles Times,” and “Buzz Feed,” from a press meeting. This might explain “Buzz Feed” new list: “Top Ten Insects Up Sean Spicer’s Butt.” 

Last year, Leonardo DiCaprio won the Oscar for Best Actor in “The Revenant.” And this year, PricewaterhouseCooper won for “The Repentant.” 

It rained so much in LA, the only way people could get from the Vegan restaurant to sneaking in an In-N-Out Burger was by kayak.

During the memoriam at the Oscars, they included a woman who is still alive. Normally you’re not declared dead in Hollywood until you’re on “Dancing with the Stars.” 

To give you an idea how much it rained in LA, many studio executives had to travel from their Prius to their private jet by boat.

Since you asked:

Jimmy Kimmel did a damn good job as host of one of the most entertaining Oscars in a while.

And his joke about all actresses losing 45 pounds for a role was basically the same as Tina Fey's, but with a different subject in the premise and a differently worded punch line. 

And yet countless people on Twitter accused Kimmel of stealing from Fey. Fascinating. 

Nobody did, but if you ask me, Kimmel is bazonkerspoots if he cancels Gary from Chicago. This is talk show host gold and he has the rights to the mine. 

Insiders say when Donald Trump goes out to dinner, he always orders a steak well-done to crispy which he slathers in ketchup and then never, ever, offers to pay. You think a guy who loves to screw contractors will pay for a damn dinner? 

Does anyone need to know more than that? 

If Donald Trump had an ounce of talent at all, you would swear he was doing an amazing Benito Mussolini impersonation.