Saturday, May 28, 2016

In San Diego, anti-Trump protestors rioted. Well, it was San Diego, it wasn’t really a riot. But several people did report their mellow was severely harshed. 

A new marijuana-allowed gym is opening in San Francisco. Right off the bat I can think of thousands of people who will never use this. 

Frederik the Great is the handsomest horse in the world. Sorry ladies, but I heard a rumor that, well, let’s just say his favorite food is hayyyyyyyyy. 

Google won a case against Oracle that could have resulted in a $9 billion judgment. You know where they settle a $9 billion case in Silicon Valley?  Small claims court. 

It was serious. If Google lost, they would have had to pay the $9 billion dollars out of petty cash. 

A couple in their 80’s has finally gotten married after dating for over 40 years. It was the first ever Viagra-themed wedding.

How much did the networks dread a Toronto-Oklahoma City NBA Finals? Toronto’s slogan is, “Detroit’s Hat,” and Oklahoma City’s tourist slogan is, “Don’t worry, the tornadoes will blow away most of the rattlesnakes and scorpions.” 

Since you asked:

Suddenly the universe gets a jolt and is shaken to its senses and you are now the mega-watt star you always knew you should be. What is the rider you have on your contract for the stuff you want in your dressing room? 

Here is my backstage rider list:

A case of Layer Cake Malbec .

A bottle of Mount Gay Rum. Tonic and five limes.

Peet’s French Roast Coffee.

Orville Redenbacher’s buttered popcorn.

Pistachios in the shell.

Trader Joe’s Peanut Butter filled pretzels. 

M&Ms with the brown ones taken out and put back in. 

A table with a red and white checker table cloth and a bucket of tall Budweisers in a metal bucket of ice. (This one is from the Eagles) 

Friday, May 27, 2016

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Miracle Max

Why? Because everyone needs a dose of Miracle Max from time-to-time

Two of my favorite MM quotes: 

"Woo who hoo, look who knows so much."


"Don't rush me. If you rush me you get rotten miracles."

Frederik the Great

Let us embrace the happy accidents and get woke to the joke, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Have you seen the horse Frederik the Great? He is called the handsomest horse in the world. They’re even writing an erotic novel about Frederik: “Fifty Shades of Neigh.” 

An Oregon man is suing a hospital after his hernia operation left him with an 80-pound scrotum. He claims it is horrible to suddenly obtain a giant scrotum you can’t get rid of. To which the republican party said, “Tell us about it.” 

Google won a case against Oracle that could have resulted in a $9 billion judgment. You know where they settle a $9 billion case in Silicon Valley?  Small claims court. 

Boston man gets penis replaced
Picture shows his happy face
What we don't know from seeing the pic
The thing is as big as the horse Frederik

Since you asked:

Man, this Amber Heard is really coming off like a gold-digging scary witch. 

First, she is divorcing one of the most beloved actors ever in Johnny Depp. And she is doing so right after his beloved mother died. 

That is cold. 

Right about now Amber’s publicist is saying, “Is that Bill Cosby publicist job still open?” 

Now there are new TMZ pictures of Amber giddily shopping at Tiffany during this “heartbreaking” divorce. And stories abound of her being cruel and mean to Depp’s beloved mom and family. Depp’s kids hated her and vice versa. 

The evidence looks big on the Amber-is-a-gold-digger case. A, she refused to sign a prenup (red flag, Johnny, red flag) and now, B, she is divorcing him a few months over one year, C, just a scant few days after Johnny's beloved mother died. Oh, and don't forget, D, Johnny is worth hundreds of millions, she is not at all, and E, she is asking for spousal support.

Let's put it this way, I would not want to defend the side that Amber is not a heartless and greedy bitch. 

The true inside dirt is that Amber wants to be free to go back to dating women again (nobody is blaming her for that) which is what she really wanted in the first place. 

Only this time she will date women while rich. The marriage was just a money grab.

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are getting divorced, Khloe Kardashian is divorcing Lamar Odom for the second time and Gwenyth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s “conscious uncoupling” divorce is final. And rumor has it Kanye West and Kim Kardashian as well as Beyonce and Jay-Z are getting divorced. Hollywood. Where spring is in the air, so are the subpoenas. 

Not to belabor the point, but I find this fascinating. Donald Trump faked being his own spokesperson named John Miller to brag about, what turned out to be, multiple phony sexual and business conquests. After being confronted about this, Trump denies he was John Miller.  Even though the recording of the John Miller voice has been matched to Trump.

To sum up, Donald Trump lied about who he was and what he was in order to lie about many made up conquests - that were also lies. And now he is lying about ever doing it in the first place. For those keeping score at home, that is about fourteen lies at one time. 

Success is the ability to allow failure to hurl your optimism into the realm of insanity. 

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

No, go right ahead, nee Bruce, ruin every sport I love

Leonardo DiCaprio flew 10,000 miles on a private jet from Paris to New York and back to pick up an environmentalist award. Leo also now the leading candidate for Hypocrite of the Year. 

The Taliban has replaced their leader, Mullah Mohammad Akhtar Mansour, who was killed by a drone. He is being replace by Mullah Ahheem Beehin Sohfukked.

The Kentucky Derby winner, Nyquist, has pulled out of the Belmont Stakes due to illness. Call my cynical, but I think Nyquist is fishing for a NyQuil deal. 

An Oregon man is suing a hospital after his hernia operation left him with an 80-pound scrotum. On the bright side, his 80-pound scrotum won a Justin Bieber lookalike contest. 

Bill Toomey hurdling in a decathlon
The world’s first sex amusement park, Erotikaland, is going to open in Brazil outside of Rio after the Olympics. Or you can just go to the Rio Olympics where, between the pollution, the Zika virus and the incomplete construction, everyone is going to get screwed. 

Jose Conseco’s daughter, Josie, did a semi-nude spread in “Playboy.” There is something disturbing to Jose about this, but he can’t put his finger on it. 

In hoc and take a poke at getting woke to the joke, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Utah is looking to ban Internet pornography. Even in the town of Beaver, Utah. 

TSA stopped a few of these

The security chief of the TSA has been fired. That is shocking. TSA had a security chief? 

The head of the TSA security was fired after agents failed to detect 95% of undercover hidden explosives. The only explosives TSA did detect were the ones that looked like bowling balls with a burning fuse that said “Bomb” on them. 

UCLA has signed a $280 mil. shoe and apparel deal with Under Armour. In a related story, a UCLA track team member donated her blood to pay for a Taco Bell burrito. 

In a related story, a UCLA track team member took a shower with her gear on so she wouldn’t have to pay coins at the laundromat. 

A New York man’s prostate surgery was broadcast live online. When they showed a close-up of his anus, many people thought they were watching a Donald Trump rally. 

Utah is looking to ban Internet pornography. When asked to comment, one Utah man said, “Neither I nor my four wives are into pornography.”

Sen. Elizabeth Warren called Donald Trump a small, insecure man. Warren added, when it came to small, insecure men, Trump wins hands down. Teeny, tiny hands down. 

Hillary Clinton’s new campaign slogan is “Stronger Together.” This is better than Hillary's old slogan, “I plead the Fifth.” 

A judge has ruled Bill Cosby will stand trial for sexual assault charges. Cosby’s legal expenses will go through the roofies. 

Donald Trump is building a seawall in Ireland to protect his golf course from the global warming he says does not exist. That or he is trying to keep out any illegal immigrant fish. 

The NFL has approved a plan to allow referees to use instant replay. The wanted to correct the system where the refs make the call five minutes after everyone watching the game already knows what it is. 

The Taliban has replaced their leader, Mullah Mohammad Akhtar Mansour, who was killed by a drone. He is being replace by Mullah Anderson Cooper.  

Since you asked:

UCLA has signed a $280 mil. shoe and apparel deal with Under Armour. In a related story, a UCLA track team member slept in the high jump landing pits after getting evicted. 

In a related story, a UCLA track team member checked the student union vending machine coin slots for leftover change so she could take the bus to visit her grandmother. 

Yo, countless people in their car who are busy checking their phone when the traffic light changes? May you come back in the next life as an unemployed male prostitute lying in a 130-degree,  fly-infested rusty trailer home in Mesquite, Nevada watching “Keeping Up With The Kardashians.”

You have heard of the expression a car that is tricked up? How about those douche-bags in the small BMW’s with dark-tinted windows and pimp rims? Those cars are not tricked up, they’re dicked up.

“Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit. You are what you repeatedly do.” — Shaquille O’Neal. 

Personally, I draw more inspiration from Shaq’s other quote;

“Mush ush schmoo buss ess hesh mess wuss sesh.” 

All kidding aside, I am a big fan of the Big Aristotle.  Saw a pretty great interview with Shaq where he admitted, when he was just drafted by the NBA and had not collected a pay check yet, he signed an endorsement deal for one million dollars. (Like the song, “If I Had a Million Dollars”) 

And he spent that one million dollars in one day. With a lot of help of somebody he had never heard of before named FICA. 

It has to be a surreal moment for a celebrity when they realize there is a celebrity impersonator out there making more money doing them than they made in the beginning being them.

My problem with Trump followers wouldn’t be nearly as bad if Donald Trump was even remotely close to the cool, tough, steely-eyed maverick, wildly brilliant and successful tycoon that he loves to pretend to be. He isn’t. 

Donald Trump is a dim-witted, spoiled little brat/bully/pussy who needs a serious punch in his fat, orange, smug face. 

Oh, and Trump the ladies man? Please. Women line up to talk anonymously about their dates with Trump when he was single in embarrassing details that almost make me feel sorry for Trump. (Like the woman he took to Peter Lugar's steakhouse and he "forgot" his wallet) 

Suffice it to say, as far as a ladies man is concerned, without his money, Trump would have trouble getting laid in a women’s prison with a pocket full of pardons. 

And we all know about the teeny, tiny, widdle, bitty hands . . . 

Yes, we all know the celebrities who are giant assholes like Trump. Madonna. Sean Penn.Val Kilmer. Steven Seagal. Lindsay Lohan. Frank Sinatra. Axel Rose. Alec Baldwin. OJ Simpson. Katherine Heigl. Ted Nugent. Kanye West. Jim Brown. Caitlyn Jenner. Barbra Streisand. 

Here  Are Famous People Who Most People Do Not Know Are/Were (RIP) Assholes:

Queen Elizabeth. (Straight-up ice bitch)

John Cusack and Jeremy Piven. (Pains me as they are from my hometown neighborhood) Both are full on schmucks who say to their assistants to tell waiters: “Tell them not to talk or look at me.” 

Matthew Perry. (Prima donna, but his drug addiction to pills does not help) 

Sting. (Nobody does not say he is not a prick) 

Don Henley. (See: Sting) 

John Lennon. (His afternoon where he was the first person ever to get kicked out of LA's the Troubadour is proof enough. Jim Morrison, in his drunken glory, couldn't get kicked out of the Troubadour and he pissed on the bar floor) 

Willy Mays, Mickey Mantle, Babe Ruth and especially Joe DiMaggio. 

Kareem Abdul Jabbar. (He has been a sulking malcontent all of his life and it has gotten worse with age)

Bruce Willis (I knew him when he was a coked-up insufferable a-hole bartender at “The Kamikaze.”

Jonah Hill, Jesse Eisenberg. (Like Willis, they play douche-bags because they are douche-bags) 

Saw a documentary on the making of “The Godfather,” and Francis Ford Coppola was refreshingly honest. He talked about how the critics raved endlessly over his brilliant use of oranges throughout the movie. Oranges on the table during the wedding. Clemenza throws Tessio an orange during the wedding. Oranges on Woltz's table in California. When the Don gets shot, he drops a bag of oranges that roll in the street. Before he dies, Vito (see above) cuts an orange rind to put in his mouth like a monster scaring his young grandson. 

Brilliant. Genius. 

One problem. Coppola had nothing to do with any of the oranges. He said his set designer liked oranges. And Marlon Brando did that thing with the orange rind in his mouth on his own. 

It’s like “Jaws.” The reason that movie was so great was because the mechanical shark, Bruce, did not work. So they had to film scenes without a shark all during the first half of the film which is exactly what made the movie so wonderfully terrifying.

Slatsies and Nuggsies, they are called happy accidents. Let us embrace the happy accidents. 

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Comedy is not exactly brain sugary, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers 

Competitive eater, Matt Stonie, set a world record by eating three pounds of Crunchy Cinnamon Toast cereal in 17 minutes. The next day Stonie set another record for being fired for spending too much time in the company bathroom.

In Ohio, a man was arrested for masturbating in a McDonalds. In his defense, he did order the Happy Ending Meal. 

Hillary Clinton’s new slogan is “Stronger Together.” Which is better than her old slogan, “My lawyer said I don’t have to answer that.” 

A study claims beautiful people have different life experiences than everyone else. Asked to comment, a beautiful woman said, “That’s not true,” then she boarded a private jet to spend the weekend in Tahiti.” 

In Ohio, a man was arrested for masturbating in a McDonalds. Asked to comment, the man said, “I’m really lovin’ it.” 

A mafia member in prison, “Joey No Socks” said he did business with Donald Trump. He calls Trump “Donnie Hay Head.” 

According to a poll, Donald Trump is doing badly with Asian Americans. In Las Vegas, you can get ten-to -one odds Donald Trump will say their view is slanted. 

In a speech in Detroit, Hillary Clinton said it is wrong dog trainers make more than pre-school teachers. Or as “Fox News” reported it: “Hillary glad Ol’ Yeller died.” 

Donald Trump is polling badly with Asian Americans. Trump’s response was not appropriate. Trump donned a talking-Chewbacca mask and said, “Wookie who no likey me.” 

Since you asked: 

Yesterdiddly, I was reminded of a story back when “American Idol” was watchable. Ann Caroline was about ten and we were watching during dinner. 

Part of the fun was riding the “AI” contestants who are not good. In the first couple of years of the show, I felt horrible for the people who were awful. My heart would break when they would say, “But my mommy thinks I am wonderful.”

But after a few years, when the show exploded, ignorance of their inability was no longer an excuse. So we would let fly with the insults. On this night, however, I thought A.C. and Virg were being too critical. 

“Hey, give them a break,” I said. “Unless you have performed in front of an audience of strangers, you don’t know how hard it is,” I said rather sanctimoniously. They agreed and things were fairly respectfully quiet for a while and the comments were contrite and polite.

Along came a young woman who could not hold a tune in a hooker’s purse. It was quiet for a few seconds after her dismal performance, then Ann Caroline said,

“I am sorry, but that was poop on toast.”

(Sniff) That’s my girl. 

Just had a ham and cheese and pickle sandwich on a bagel. Here is my question: how did I live without Wasabi mayonnaise from Trader Joe’s? 

Cool Beans Wally

Beginning to think my Walter Payton Kaseberg, aka, Wally, is the world’s most duplicitous dog. His need for affection goes up exponentially the closer it gets to meal time. By Six PM, lord, he is lovey-dovey. And his need for said affection recedes utterly as soon as he eats. 

Duplicity plain and simple. 

The other day I left the house to get mail and chatted-up our wonderful neighbor, Nancy. Upon my return, Wally greeted me like I was a Marine coming home from Afghanistan. 

A day or so later, I left all day to watch Ann Caroline’s track meet. When I got home, Wally was lying on the couch and he did not stir an inch. 

Now that I think about it, the world’s most duplicitous dog was my childhood dog, Charlie. Charlie was 100 percent poodle so he was nearly twice as duplicitous as our Sir Walter Cornwallis. 

Charlie, like Wally, was an unrepentant momma’s boy. It made my mom happy when Charlie greeted her boys, me, my brother John and my dad, when we got home. So Chas-bow would greet us. He threw his whole heart into giving us a yelping and dancing-with-joy greeting. 

But when any of us came home and mom was not there to appreciate the greeting? Charlie would not so much as bat an eye. 

How did a self-important putz like Stephen A. (We all know what the A stands for) Smith get on the air? Each night he verbally pukes on himself on ESPN; this shank-nozzle jumps on the roller coaster called Multi-syllabic and he can barely hang on for his useless life. Land-a-goshin’ he is one sizable tool. 

How bad is Smith? I dislike ESPN's verbal vomit-spewer, Skip Bayless, less. 

If there is such a thing as a higher being, Stephen A-Wad Smith will be summarily canned and replaced with Katie Nolan. 

How is the rapper name Skweef La Luffa not taken?

Four things that have to be in every submarine movie: 

One, no matter if it is a nuclear powered submarine with arguably with most highly advanced technology on the planet, they cannot control the temperature and everyone is constantly sweating. 

Two: A meal where the plates and glasses are sliding around. They never heard of pizza, sandwiches or burritos on a submarine? They are always trying to eat a bowl of soup. The singularly stupidest thing to try and serve on a submarine or ship. 

Three: depth charges explode basically right on the top of the deck and the only thing that happens is the requisite water spraying from pipes which is automatically fixed with a giant wrench. Has a depth charge ever sunk a submarine? Not in the movies. 

Four: the obligatory dive well below the manufacturer's recommended depth. The sound of the bulkheads creaking is part B of four. And also the mandatory leaking of pipes fixed, once again, with a giant wrench. 

Great line from “U 571.” “Whoever tried to fix the engine did not know a piston from his sister’s tittie.” One would hope he did not know his sister’s tittie.