Wednesday, May 25, 2016

In hoc and take a poke at getting woke to the joke, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Utah is looking to ban Internet pornography. Even in the town of Beaver, Utah. 

TSA stopped a few of these

The security chief of the TSA has been fired. That is shocking. TSA had a security chief? 

The head of the TSA security was fired after agents failed to detect 95% of undercover hidden explosives. The only explosives TSA did detect were the ones that looked like bowling balls with a burning fuse that said “Bomb” on them. 

UCLA has signed a $280 mil. shoe and apparel deal with Under Armour. In a related story, a UCLA track team member donated her blood to pay for a Taco Bell burrito. 

In a related story, a UCLA track team member took a shower with her gear on so she wouldn’t have to pay coins at the laundromat. 

A New York man’s prostate surgery was broadcast live online. When they showed a close-up of his anus, many people thought they were watching a Donald Trump rally. 

Utah is looking to ban Internet pornography. When asked to comment, one Utah man said, “Neither I nor my four wives are into pornography.”

Sen. Elizabeth Warren called Donald Trump a small, insecure man. Warren added, when it came to small, insecure men, Trump wins hands down. Teeny, tiny hands down. 

Hillary Clinton’s new campaign slogan is “Stronger Together.” This is better than Hillary's old slogan, “I plead the Fifth.” 

A judge has ruled Bill Cosby will stand trial for sexual assault charges. Cosby’s legal expenses will go through the roofies. 

Donald Trump is building a seawall in Ireland to protect his golf course from the global warming he says does not exist. That or he is trying to keep out any illegal immigrant fish. 

The NFL has approved a plan to allow referees to use instant replay. The wanted to correct the system where the refs make the call five minutes after everyone watching the game already knows what it is. 

The Taliban has replaced their leader, Mullah Mohammad Akhtar Mansour, who was killed by a drone. He is being replace by Mullah Anderson Cooper.  

Since you asked:

UCLA has signed a $280 mil. shoe and apparel deal with Under Armour. In a related story, a UCLA track team member slept in the high jump landing pits after getting evicted. 

In a related story, a UCLA track team member checked the student union vending machine coin slots for leftover change so she could take the bus to visit her grandmother. 

Yo, countless people in their car who are busy checking their phone when the traffic light changes? May you come back in the next life as an unemployed male prostitute lying in a 130-degree,  fly-infested rusty trailer home in Mesquite, Nevada watching “Keeping Up With The Kardashians.”

You have heard of the expression a car that is tricked up? How about those douche-bags in the small BMW’s with dark-tinted windows and pimp rims? Those cars are not tricked up, they’re dicked up.

“Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit. You are what you repeatedly do.” — Shaquille O’Neal. 

Personally, I draw more inspiration from Shaq’s other quote;

“Mush ush schmoo buss ess hesh mess wuss sesh.” 

All kidding aside, I am a big fan of the Big Aristotle.  Saw a pretty great interview with Shaq where he admitted, when he was just drafted by the NBA and had not collected a pay check yet, he signed an endorsement deal for one million dollars. (Like the song, “If I Had a Million Dollars”) 

And he spent that one million dollars in one day. With a lot of help of somebody he had never heard of before named FICA. 

It has to be a surreal moment for a celebrity when they realize there is a celebrity impersonator out there making more money doing them than they made in the beginning being them.

My problem with Trump followers wouldn’t be nearly as bad if Donald Trump was even remotely close to the cool, tough, steely-eyed maverick, wildly brilliant and successful tycoon that he loves to pretend to be. He isn’t. 

Donald Trump is a dim-witted, spoiled little brat/bully/pussy who needs a serious punch in his fat, orange, smug face. 

Oh, and Trump the ladies man? Please. Women line up to talk anonymously about their dates with Trump when he was single in embarrassing details that almost make me feel sorry for Trump. (Like the woman he took to Peter Lugar's steakhouse and he "forgot" his wallet) 

Suffice it to say, as far as a ladies man is concerned, without his money, Trump would have trouble getting laid in a women’s prison with a pocket full of pardons. 

And we all know about the teeny, tiny, widdle, bitty hands . . . 

Yes, we all know the celebrities who are giant assholes like Trump. Madonna. Sean Penn.Val Kilmer. Steven Seagal. Lindsay Lohan. Frank Sinatra. Axel Rose. Alec Baldwin. OJ Simpson. Katherine Heigl. Ted Nugent. Kanye West. Jim Brown. Caitlyn Jenner. Barbra Streisand. 

Here  Are Famous People Who Most People Do Not Know Are/Were (RIP) Assholes:

Queen Elizabeth. (Straight-up ice bitch)

John Cusack and Jeremy Piven. (Pains me as they are from my hometown neighborhood) Both are full on schmucks who say to their assistants to tell waiters: “Tell them not to talk or look at me.” 

Matthew Perry. (Prima donna, but his drug addiction to pills does not help) 

Sting. (Nobody does not say he is not a prick) 

Don Henley. (See: Sting) 

John Lennon. (His afternoon where he was the first person ever to get kicked out of LA's the Troubadour is proof enough. Jim Morrison, in his drunken glory, couldn't get kicked out of the Troubadour and he pissed on the bar floor) 

Willy Mays, Mickey Mantle, Babe Ruth and especially Joe DiMaggio. 

Kareem Abdul Jabbar. (He has been a sulking malcontent all of his life and it has gotten worse with age)

Bruce Willis (I knew him when he was a coked-up insufferable a-hole bartender at “The Kamikaze.”

Jonah Hill, Jesse Eisenberg. (Like Willis, they play douche-bags because they are douche-bags) 

Saw a documentary on the making of “The Godfather,” and Francis Ford Coppola was refreshingly honest. He talked about how the critics raved endlessly over his brilliant use of oranges throughout the movie. Oranges on the table during the wedding. Clemenza throws Tessio an orange during the wedding. Oranges on Woltz's table in California. When the Don gets shot, he drops a bag of oranges that roll in the street. Before he dies, Vito (see above) cuts an orange rind to put in his mouth like a monster scaring his young grandson. 

Brilliant. Genius. 

One problem. Coppola had nothing to do with any of the oranges. He said his set designer liked oranges. And Marlon Brando did that thing with the orange rind in his mouth on his own. 

It’s like “Jaws.” The reason that movie was so great was because the mechanical shark, Bruce, did not work. So they had to film scenes without a shark all during the first half of the film which is exactly what made the movie so wonderfully terrifying.

Slatsies and Nuggsies, they are called happy accidents. Let us embrace the happy accidents.