Saturday, April 16, 2016

Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, was asked about quantum computing and answered it perfectly. In a related story, Donald Trump was asked about euthanasia and he said, “Chinese kids work in factories. The youths in Asia are beating us.” 

Bob Seger - Ramblin' Gamblin Man (1969)

You can hear Glenn Frey belting out the chorus in his first studio gig ever, and Steve Martin said this was his inspiration behind his "Ramblin' Guy" routine.

Feel like Andy Dufresne after crawling through the poop and getting washed clean in the rain, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Rumor has it Johnny “Football” Manziel's partying is out of control. How bad is it? At this point he is Johnny “Ryan Leaf” Manziel. 

TNT’s “Inside the NBA” is courting Kobe Bryant to be an announcer. Sounds like a great idea until it is time for Kobe to pass it to commercial and he won’t. 

Congratulations to my Chicago Blackhawks for tying the series 1-1. But, man, those St. Louis Blues fans are aptly named. Booing Duncan Keith, throwing garbage on the ice. They really blue. 

Hockey has a great rule soccer needs to adopt. It is called Embellishing. 

Friday, April 15, 2016

Does this make them Queen of the Beasts? (Asking for a friend) 

 "Exit stage left, eveeeeeeen." 

A photographer has caught two male African lions engaging in homosexual behavior. Prior to this, the only known gay male lion was Snagglepuss.

Everyone has seen this shot of Michael Buble eating corn-on-the-cob at Disneyland. That style of eating corn-on-the-cob is called: To Kardashian the hell out of it.

No truth to the rumor that, after viewing this picture, Adam Lambert asked to open for Michael Buble in concert. 

Donald Trump had a private meeting with “Fox News” star Megyn Kelly to clear the air. It must have worked because they were seen later after school making-out behind the gym. 

We're going an a roadtrip

Quincy is a bonafide road-dog fired up for some serious R.T.'ing.
Can I be honest with you? Don't go changing to try and please me. I want you to be the you that you are being today, and I mean that like a friend, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Otherwise known as: "Betty, my drawers is fallin' down." Sung to the tune of, "Drop-Kick Me Jesus Through the Goal Posts of Life")

U2’s Bono told a senate panel we should use comedians to fight ISIS. Like Jerry Seinfeld: 

“So what’s the deal with suicide vests? It’s too hot in the middle east for vests. They should use suicide Bermuda shorts.” 

Historians are saying there were similarities between last night’s Clinton-Sanders debate and the Lincoln-Douglass debates. And not just because Bernie Sanders was at both.

It has been one day and Kobe Bryant is having problems adjusting to retirement. He was having dinner with his family, family-style, and he couldn’t pass the peas. 

The backlash against North Carolina’s anti-LGBT law is getting serious. To further punish North Carolina, Justin Bieber is threatening to hold a concert there. 

According to a new poll, Trader Joe’s is no longer America’s favorite grocery store. And people say we white people don’t have real problems. 

U2’s Bono told a senate panel we should use comedians to fight ISIS. For example, if you  attack them with Bill Cosby, all the women will surrender.

If they send the typical needy comedians, it would be, “OK, besides that you’re going to cut off my head, what did you think of my act?”

The stand-up comedians I know wet themselves when a drunk stands up to go to the bathroom. 

U2’s Bono told a senate panel we should use comedians to fight ISIS. “Bad news terrorists, it’s not 72 virgins you get in heaven, it’s 72 sturgeons. Yeah, they give you fish. Hello? Is this mic on?”

 “Hi there. Where are you from? Die Infidel? Not familiar with that city, Die Infidel. Is that in Germany?”

“So what’s the difference between a suicide vest and a Bill Cosby sweater? With the Cosby sweater, you die of shame. Thank you. I’ll be here until Ramadan.” 

Russian president, Vladimir Putin, answered caller’s questions on a TV show. Typical questions like, “What is your favorite sport?” “How tall are you?” “When will you unchain me from this wall?” 

First the Internet named an English ship Boaty McBoatface. Now there is an Australian racehorse named Horsey McHorseface. Prince Charles is not happy. Horsey McHorseface is his nickname for his wife, Camilla Parker Bowles. 


Some people have a way with words and some people lugubrious.
(Apologies S.M.) 

No, seriously, I am not kidding. What is with the blue pool-cue chalk around Trump’s eyes? Anyone? Bueller? 

There have to be four cities more famous for the blues than St. Louis. Chicago, Memphis, New Orleans and Austin. So why is their hockey team named the Blues? 

It is like the shop that specialized in circumcisions that had a giant clock in the window. When asked why, the nurse said, "What should we have in the window?" 

They have to name the team something. The St. Louis Dicks is not an option. 

If potty humor isn’t funny, why did god make farts sound so hilarious? Yeah. There. I said it. Deal. 

Wisdom is not to the wise what fiefdom is to the fife. Live it. Be it. Nanahanahanahanhahanah. 

Whole lot of whacka-do, whacka-do, whacka-do goin’ on. Give a bow-shimmy one-time. 

Given the A.J.S. model of the primary proliferation, our W.C.S. is a juxtaposed nuance based on sales and amalgratism. So our tampander is limited only by the lupinary bitosamine of the nearest cantagonist. More or less given a 60-40 compensation on our substantive actuary diagram.

(What I heard at 90% of business meetings) 

Muskrat Suzie, Muskrat Sam, Do the jitterbug at a Muskrat Land,  And they shimmy, Sam is so skinny. 

Think about that for a while. Really chew on it. 

I’ve given it a lot of thought, and Fletch was right. “Moon River” is the only appropriate song to sing while getting a prostate exam. I tried singing “Whole Lotta Love” and it did not go over well at all with the pretty woman doctor. (But I did get her digits . . . bam, see what I did there?)

To be utterly candid, it is more than a feeling. ’Til I see my Marianne walkin’ away. I see my Marianne walkin' away. 

Women have arms. Men have arms. Women's arms do not turn me on. Women have feet. Men have feet. Feet make me sick. 

So why do women’s legs and butts drive us men - me - utterly bat-poop, Three Stooges-face-slapping, nyuck-nyuck insane? 

Let's play a quick round of "Funny. Not Funny."

Apples? Not funny. Bananas? Funny.

Monkeys? Funny. Leopards? Not funny.

Dinner Rolls? Not funny. Biscuits? Humor.

Grapes? Not funny. Prunes? Truly funny.  

Cakes? Not funny. Pies? Hilarious.

Dogs? Funny. Cats? Not funny.

Bicycles? Not funny. Wagons? Funny. 

Panties? Funny. Bras? Funny too. 

Tea? Not funny. Coffee. Pretty amusing.

Suitcase? Not funny. Steamer Trunk? A comedy staple dating back to the Marx Brothers and Charlie Chaplin.  

Kale? Seriously not funny. Cabbage? Hysterical. 

Lemons? Funny. Limes? Not funny. 

Baseball? Funny. Football? Not funny. 

Eggs? Funny. Bacon? Tasty as all hell, but not funny. 

Bloody nose? Not funny. Black eye? Funny. 

Saxophone? Not funny. Tuba. Always a laugh. 

The number 25? Not funny. The number 33 when pronounced with a thick Brooklyn accent? (Toy-tee Tree) High degree of comedy.


"And that has been today's rousing and fun game of, "Funny. Not Funny."   

(CSI Chord)  

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Johnny “Football” Manziel’s agent has dumped him. It’s bad, he is now officially Johnny “Starbucks Barista" Manziel. 

Before Ted Cruz was a senator, he defended a law that would ban dildos. Or as I call dildos: Little Ted Cruz statues.

In the latest “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” promo, Kylie Jenner actually whines about not being able to go out unnoticed. That’s like ISIS complaining about bad publicity. 

Iowa man was arrested for masturbating for three hours on a bus. Claims he was using sign-language to tell the bus driver he wanted to go to Hackensack, New Jersey. 

Donald Trump explains he yells out his messages and a young woman assistant posts them on Twitter. This explains his latest tweet: "Hey, pull my finger. Oh, crap. Get a towel." 

Look out, everybody, it is Saskatoon Bazoo

North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Un, has ballooned to 300 pounds. Insiders blame their new specialty based on the western Turducken, a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey. In North Korea it is a Schnaucatrat. It is a rat inside a cat inside a schnauzer. 

Donald Trump said, at work, he shouts out his tweets and a young woman assistant sends them. This explains Trump’s tweets like “Time for daddy to give you your breast exam.” 

Arriving an hour late for her movie opening, “Mother’s Day,” Jennifer Anniston was booed. Panicking, Jennifer’s instincts kicked in and she jumped in a fountain and danced. 

An Iowa man arrested after masturbating on a bus for three hours. Which explains the Iowa state bird: the choked chicken. 

Speaking to a Pittsburgh crowd, Donald Trump asked “How’s Joe Paterno?” Paterno was the Penn State coach fired during a child sex scandal who died in 2012. As far as Pennsylvania screw ups go, it was a little better than shooting Groundhog Day’s groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil. 

Lynn Swann has been named the USC athletic director. Swann edged out Larry Bird, Jennie Finch and Tony Hawk as the leading contender of great athletes with avian names. 

Four former “The Apprentice” contestants are going to announce Donald Trump is unfit to be president. Trump issued a statement to them: “You’re fired. Again.” 

The big Hillary-Bernie debate ahead of the New York primary is tonight. Insiders say Bernie is going to expose Hillary as a fake New Yorker with these eleven examples:

Hillary not only eats pizza with a fork, but she calls it pizza instead of pie.

She calls soft drinks pop instead of soda and beer beer instead of a pop. 

Hillary calls Nikes gym shoes instead of sneakers.

She calls Sixth Ave, Avenue of the Americas.

Hillary calls it getting drunk instead of getting a package on. 

She pronounces “forget about it” as if it was three words instead of one. 

Hillary pronounces the R in a bagel schmear.

She calls sweating sweating instead of schvitzing. 

She refers to testicles as testicles instead of balls, chops, horns, stindeens or babahlones. 

She calls a sandwich a sandwich instead of the correct pronunciation: a sang-gwich.

And the last example Bernie is going to use to prove Hillary is a fake New Yorker:

Hillary can go entire hours without grabbing her crotch, spitting and using the terms putz, schmuck or jamoke. 

In Las Vegas, a man was arrested in Wal Mart after a can of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls he inserted in his rectum exploded out of his butt. He’s calling the recipe: The Trump Campaign.  

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

In his last game, the Laker’s Kobe Bryant scored 60 points to beat the Utah Jazz. Now, I don’t want to say Utah rigged the game for Kobe, but Custer played better defense against Sitting Bull.

Now, I don’t want to say this game was rigged for Kobe, but it was easier to score in that game than in a Kardashian sex tape. 

Today is Kobe Bryant's last day in the NBA before retiring. He wants to spend more time at the dinner table not passing anything to his family.

An Iowa man was arrested after spending three hours masturbating on a bus. In his defense, he is in training for corn-husking season. 

This guy clearly has mental issues, but I think we can rule out Attention Deficit Disorder. 

Anthropologists believe early humans gave neanderthals herpes. So, to review, in the humans/neanderthal sex-scenario, we humans were the douche-bags.  

A new poll indicates that Bernie Sanders is the most likable candidate. Which is pretty much like being the most intellectual Kardashian. 

Winning a likability contest against Hillary and Trump is like winning a swimsuit pageant against Chris Christie. 

Lindsay Lohan is engaged to Egor Tarabasov, the son of a Russian mafia mogul. “We are shocked Lindsay apparently married someone only for their money,” said nobody. 

Ivanka Trump is blaming the state of New York for her not registering in time to vote for her father. She should blame the states of entitlement and laziness. 

South Korea is investigating claims elderly men have been bribed to vote with Viagra. If it is true, this will bring new meaning to an exit poll.  

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Happy National Grilled Cheese Sammich Day

Today is National Pet Day and National Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day. And I am not even going to tell you how North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Un, combined them. 

A study claims men who marry intelligent women are less likely to develop dementia. First the snowmobile crash, now this. Poor Todd Palin cannot catch a break. 

North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Un, who has ballooned to over 300 pounds, claims they have a new long-range missile. Then he ate an entire schnauzer. 

There is a female-only ride service called Chariot. It is like Uber except for women who want to stop and ask for directions so they can arrive 20 minutes late. 

The head of the CIA, John Brennan, said the world has far more terrorists than ever. And that is just counting the Kardashian and Jenner family.

Today is National Pet Day. Donald Trump celebrated National Pet Day by taking that thing on his head for a walk in Central Park. 

Since you asked;

Nike made a tribute video to Kobe Bryant’s retirement, and one of the most repeated comments was Kobe was only hated by other teams because he is so good. 

Only hated by other teams? 

Every player or coach who has left the Lakers, from Phil Jackson, Shaquille O’Neal, Karl Malone, Kwame Brown, Dwight Howard and many, many more despise Kobe. 

Despise him. 

One of the most amazing things ever written about sports was in one of Phil Jackson’s books he mentions when he realized he had to quit the Lakers. 

It was when he discovered a mathematical formula that would distribute a few of Kobe Bryant’s shots to two other players with a higher shooting percentage than Kobe. Although Kobe’s shot total would go down slightly, his shooting percentage would go up.

But far more importantly, the extra points would result in a significant number of more wins for the team. Kobe refused to give up those shots. That is when Jackson said he realized winning was not as important to Kobe as his personal statistics. 

It had genuinely never occurred to Jackson that a player could possibly be as selfish as Kobe Bryant, who placed his personal gains over the team's.

Where are the die-hard Kobe fans outside of L.A., like there were for Bird, Magic, Michael and now LeBron and Steph? Kobe has five rings. But those jerseys are not being sold or worn. Maybe because those guys would never intentionally tank a playoff game the way Kobe did against the Suns. 

Recently three players were traded to the Lakers and, at the press conference, they were asked to say something nice about Kobe, and all three sat there in stony silence. 

The closest thing to a compliment anyone has ever said about Kobe Bryant’s personality is that he does not care what anyone thinks about him. 

Despite Kobe's incredible achievements, five rings, MVP, all the scoring records, because of his lack of character, I do not believe Kobe deserves to be mentioned in the same sentence as Irvin "Magic" Johnson.

In my humble opinion, Kobe ranks fifth all time. Not for the NBA, for the Lakers. Kobe is behind Magic, Kareem, Wilt, Shaq and Jerry West. Especially when you consider none of them raped anyone. Sorry, Kobe is the sixth best Laker. Forgot about Elgin Baylor.

Kobe Bryant is probably the most despised person who ever played in the NBA. And this is a league that had Bill Laimbeer and Christian Laettner. 

Kobe Bryant's "wife," a stone-cold, gold-digger, Venessa Bryant, required a $4 mil. diamond ring just to continue to pose still being married to Kobe. This was after Kobe was charged with rape for sodomizing a well-travelled NBA groupie. 

Outside of a basketball court, Kobe Bryant is unmitigated garbage. 

(Now ask what I really think about him)

Kobe has all the rings, money and records he so desperately wanted. Now he wants love from everyone? Go f*ck yourself, Kobe.

At least that way he won't be charged with rape.

Seven Things Guys Do Not Want To Hear From a Guy Whom They Have To Share a Bed:

"So do you want to be the inside spoon or the outside spoon?"

“Man, I didn’t realize how cold my scrotum was until I cupped it with my hands.”

"What do you think of when I say the term: adult bedwetter?" 

“I’d ask you to pull my finger, but last time I crapped the bed.”

“On a scale of one-to-ten, how gay would rubbing our feet together to get warm be?”

“I’ll set the alarm for a Six AM sword pee fight.”

“I’ve got an idea for a fun game. You be Leo DiCaprio and I’ll be “The Revenant” bear.”