Today is Kobe Bryant's last day in the NBA before retiring. He wants to spend more time at the dinner table not passing anything to his family.

An Iowa man was arrested after spending three hours masturbating on a bus. In his defense, he is in training for corn-husking season. 

This guy clearly has mental issues, but I think we can rule out Attention Deficit Disorder. 

Anthropologists believe early humans gave neanderthals herpes. So, to review, in the humans/neanderthal sex-scenario, we humans were the douche-bags.  

A new poll indicates that Bernie Sanders is the most likable candidate. Which is pretty much like being the most intellectual Kardashian. 

Winning a likability contest against Hillary and Trump is like winning a swimsuit pageant against Chris Christie. 

Lindsay Lohan is engaged to Egor Tarabasov, the son of a Russian mafia mogul. “We are shocked Lindsay apparently married someone only for their money,” said nobody. 

Ivanka Trump is blaming the state of New York for her not registering in time to vote for her father. She should blame the states of entitlement and laziness. 

South Korea is investigating claims elderly men have been bribed to vote with Viagra. If it is true, this will bring new meaning to an exit poll.