Thursday, April 14, 2016

Look out, everybody, it is Saskatoon Bazoo

North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Un, has ballooned to 300 pounds. Insiders blame their new specialty based on the western Turducken, a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey. In North Korea it is a Schnaucatrat. It is a rat inside a cat inside a schnauzer. 

Donald Trump said, at work, he shouts out his tweets and a young woman assistant sends them. This explains Trump’s tweets like “Time for daddy to give you your breast exam.” 

Arriving an hour late for her movie opening, “Mother’s Day,” Jennifer Anniston was booed. Panicking, Jennifer’s instincts kicked in and she jumped in a fountain and danced. 

An Iowa man arrested after masturbating on a bus for three hours. Which explains the Iowa state bird: the choked chicken. 

Speaking to a Pittsburgh crowd, Donald Trump asked “How’s Joe Paterno?” Paterno was the Penn State coach fired during a child sex scandal who died in 2012. As far as Pennsylvania screw ups go, it was a little better than shooting Groundhog Day’s groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil. 

Lynn Swann has been named the USC athletic director. Swann edged out Larry Bird, Jennie Finch and Tony Hawk as the leading contender of great athletes with avian names. 

Four former “The Apprentice” contestants are going to announce Donald Trump is unfit to be president. Trump issued a statement to them: “You’re fired. Again.” 

The big Hillary-Bernie debate ahead of the New York primary is tonight. Insiders say Bernie is going to expose Hillary as a fake New Yorker with these eleven examples:

Hillary not only eats pizza with a fork, but she calls it pizza instead of pie.

She calls soft drinks pop instead of soda and beer beer instead of a pop. 

Hillary calls Nikes gym shoes instead of sneakers.

She calls Sixth Ave, Avenue of the Americas.

Hillary calls it getting drunk instead of getting a package on. 

She pronounces “forget about it” as if it was three words instead of one. 

Hillary pronounces the R in a bagel schmear.

She calls sweating sweating instead of schvitzing. 

She refers to testicles as testicles instead of balls, chops, horns, stindeens or babahlones. 

She calls a sandwich a sandwich instead of the correct pronunciation: a sang-gwich.

And the last example Bernie is going to use to prove Hillary is a fake New Yorker:

Hillary can go entire hours without grabbing her crotch, spitting and using the terms putz, schmuck or jamoke.