Friday, January 15, 2016

OK, fine. We did not win the lottery. This is just as good. No, it isn't. But here is a picture of my dog, Wally, rocking a man-bun. You're welcome.

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are going at it. Is it just me, or do these guys look like the dorks in high school fighting over the only girl in the Math Club?

Ted Cruz is in trouble for accusing Donald Trump of having New York values. Upon hearing this, New Yorkers named their middle finger “Values” and showed it to Ted Cruz. 

At the republican debate, Carly Fiona’s opening statement was “Unlike another women in this race, I actually love spending time with my husband.” And to think people were worried the two women running might get catty.

They have the names of the three winners of the $1.5 billion Powerball lottery. They are, one, not you, two, not me, and three, not me. 

“TMZ” reports Steve Harvey filmed a tearful apology to Miss Columbia, Ariadna Gutierrez. Unfortunately he was talking to Sofia Vergara at the time. 

At the republican debate, Carly Fiona’s opening statement was “Unlike another women in this race, I actually love spending time with my husband.” Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Cat fight, cat fight, cat fight. 

Have you noticed that, during the campaign, Donald Trump uses the caveat; “To be honest with you” a lot? As mindless expressions go, it is almost as annoying as “You know what I’m saying?” 

At the last republican debate, Ted Cruz and Donald Trump went at it. They looked like used car salesmen fighting over a customer. 

A study claims wine improves your test scores. In a related story, it is now Dr. Hoda and Dr. Cathy Lee. 

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Keith Urban, Sugarland sing Seven Bridges Road by The Eagles

Eagles - 'Wasted Time' (lyrics in description)

This David Bowie dying thing has hit me harder than I expected. 

Here’s a thought: David Bowie was so other-worldly talented, and sang so much about space, he was probably an alien. David Bowie has not died, he is just going back home. 

Just like Elvis in “Men In Black.” 

The Eagles - Help Me Through The Night (LIVE) - vidéo Dailymotion

The Eagles - Help Me Through The Night (LIVE) - video Dailymotion

No, Joe Walsh does not have a voice like Henley or Schmidt, but considering this was written following the loss of his daughter, Emma, and everything he went through after, this is a touching song. And those Eagle harmonies can cure dreaded diseases.

Man falls from Treadmill and does Pushups when a Hot babe looks at him

In sad news, Alan Rickman died. For many people, Christmas does not start until Rickman’s character in “Die Hard,” Hans Gruber, falls out of the Nakatomi Plaza building. 

Sean Penn interviewed drug lord El Chapo right before El Chapo was arrested. Look for Penn in his next documentary; “Why You Should Not Inform On a Guy Who Built A Mile Long Tunnel Out of Prison.” 

Sadly, great English entertainers David Bowie and Alan Rickman passed. Somebody check on Keith Richards. 

“TMZ” showed a video of Justin Bieber playing Beethoven on a piano. Not to be too judgmental, but it was the quality of playing that made Beethoven glad he was deaf. 

The famous lower-Manhattan punk rock bar, CBGB’s, is now an upscale clothing store. So now instead of having sex in the bathroom, the customers get screwed at the cash register. 

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

To put the Powerball Lottery's $1.5 Billion into context, with that much money, a guy like this:

Can marry a woman like this:

People are asking themselves what would they do if the won the $1.5 billion Powerball lottery. Some would buy a yacht. Some would buy a plane. Donald Trump would buy Iowa, New Hampshire and Maine. 

The Consumer Electronics show unveiled a drone that can follow you around and take selfies of you all day. It is made by D.B.I.: Douche-Bags Incorporated. 

Police in Portland are looking for a thief who walked into a pet store and shoved a python down his pants and took off. Police warn he is armed and appears more dateable than he is. 

Hillary Clinton is attacking Bernie Sanders hard. Hillary is one step away from elder abuse.

New York Jet, Antonio Cromartie, is expecting twins, his 11th and 12th child, after a vasectomy. Cromatie may be a football player, but his kids are going to be amazing swimmers. 

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

The St. Louis Rams are moving back to Los Angeles in Inglewood. So now they will be the Los Angeles Rams of Inglewood and Anaheim Formerly of St. Louis and Los Angeles. 

Sean Penn interviewed El Chapo. Steve Harvey was going to interview El Chapo, but he interviewed Charo by mistake. Cuchi-Cuchi.  

New York Jet, Antonio Cromartie, is expecting his 11th and 12th child after his vasectomy. He may be a football player, but his kids are going to be amazing swimmers. 

San Diego Charger fans, do not bad-mouth Carson. It is beautiful. You should DRIVE-BY while SHOOTING a look at it, right GANG? 
Bristol Palin pregnant with third child from three fathers, two weeks after giving birth to her second child. Bristol is an abstinence advocate like Keith Richards is a personal trainer.

Abstinence advocate, Bristol Palin, pregnant with third child two weeks after delivering the second. Even rabbits are all; “Whoa, girl, slow down.” 

A day after winning the National Championship, Alabama is ranked the fourth highest college for sexually transmitted diseases. Tuscaloosa, where it isn’t just the tusks that are looser.

David Bowie has been gone for a day and he is still way more talented than Justin Bieber. 

Since you asked:

There is no clearer proof that we have a country chocked-full of idiots than, A, Donald Trump is leading the polls, and B, there is a petition signed by over 200,000 people to give Steven Avery a new trial. 

In the documentary "Making a Murderer" Steven Avery lies that he playfully threw the family cat over a bonfire and it accidentally caught on fire. No. He soaked the cat in a flammable fluid - probably gas -  set it on fire and watched it burn for fun. 

Again, if you think Steven Avery was framed, good for you, you self-righteous, pompous, smug ass, now get the eff off of this blog. 

As for Trump, I think we are all about to learn a lesson in the difference between what people will say to a poll and what people do at the polls. 

The NFL legends, Vince Lombardi, Johnny Unitas, Gale Sayers and Walter Payton, could not have foreseen this coming. 

In the old days, when a player lost his cool and committed a selfish act of revenge to the detriment of their entire team, the ultimate penalty was a 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct and facing the wrath of their coach and teammates. If they completely lost their minds, about once a season, one or two players in the league might get ejected from a game. And then probably traded or cut the next day. 

None of the legends could have foreseen a time when players were so entitled, pampered, out-of-touch, spoiled and selfish they would let losing their cool in their feud with an opposing player cost their team a game. 

Dirty players in the NFL is nothing new. The Raiders' Jack Tatum, George Atkinson and the old St. Louis Cardinals, Conrad Dobler, were serial killers with shoulder pads. 

But we live in a more dignified time, right? When players like Cincinnati’s Adam Jones and Vontaze Burfict go after a player the way they did the Steeler’s Antonio Brown, they need to be ejected and then arrested for assault and then suspended by the NFL for one year. Period. 

As great-players-turned-announcers Rodney Harrison, Boomer Esiason and Marshall Faulk all agreed, Burfict and Jones's stupid behavior is an embarrassment to the entire NFL. You know a game is in trouble when a two-time sexual assault (rape) charged player, Ben Roethlisburger, is a model of comportment. 

This happened before between New York Giant, Odell Beckham Jr. and Carolina Panther, Josh Norman. It will keep happening. 

Due to pressure from animal rights groups, Ringling Brothers is closing their elephant show. The elephants will get a reality show, “Keeping Up With The Pachyderms.” 

Noticed a slight resemblance between the late Shelby Foote and Wally. And not just due to Wally's penchant for sitting outside sipping a mint julep while waxing eloquent about the Civil War

More details emerging from the six-below-zero game between Seattle and the Vikings. When the players emerged from from the locker, they saw the Viking’s 15-foot Call-to-Battle horn had shattered from the cold. The players then returned to the locker to put fur in their cups. 

Star for Alabama named O.J. Howard. Guess his parents decided O.J. was a better first name choice than Adolf or Osama.

Alabama won their fourth National Championship in seven years. Experts feel, if they were in the NFL, the Crimson Tide could go 8-8. Provided eight of their games were against the Cleveland Browns. 

Our first day without David Bowie just like any other day. Except, you know, more sucky. 

Monday, January 11, 2016

david bowie sings Pugnosed little fat man

Like everybody, I was a big fan of David Bowie and his music, style and incredible class. How many other rock gods could have pulled off the Christmas classic “Little Drummer Boy” duet medley with Bing Crosby? Answer? None. Maybe Robert Plant. OK, Freddy Mercury too.   

But I was not a full-on David Bowie fan. That required a complete lifestyle change akin to - or even of a higher devotion - than “Star Wars” fans but in a more fashion-forward, hipper way. 

The level of devotion David Bowie instilled in his fanatical fans - to be redundant and repeat myself all over again - awe-inspired no less a super star than Mick Jagger. Jagger actually tried to emulate Bowie all the way to his androgyne. A move that I thought was regrettable from a marketing standpoint given the Rolling Stones rock and roll fan base was fairly hetero-centric if not downright homophobic. (Jagger was about as bisexual as Bill Cosby) 

Oh, and “Angie” was about Bowie’s wife, not Bowie. Keith Richards wrote it and named it. 

But the amount of talent David Bowie had was simply astonishing. Sing, dance, act, write, play piano, record, perform, fashion. If you can think of a talent, Bowie had it in spades. And also funny. As you can see from his cameo on “Extras” Bowie was also hilarious. 

And from everything I read, David Bowie was steadfastly kind and polite to everyone.  A true English gentleman.

Baseball’s true stars are called Five Tool Players. Run, hit for power, hit for average, catch, throw. Bowie was a Ten Tool Player. 

But as legendary a rock star as Bowie was, as far as anyone can tell, he would not dream of firing someone over a brown M&M or the wrong package of cigarettes. Just the opposite. One report I read somewhere said he always made his bed. Neatly. Even when he was checking out of a hotel. 

Bowie was so many things to so many people. But in the end he was always the most important thing: Bowie. 

But the thing about David Bowie for me, and the legacy he left music, was his incredible level of style and class. Bowie was, in real life, what those 40’s movie stars pretended to be. 

Rest in peace, Major Tom. We fear they’re not making your like again. 

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Justin Bieber kicked out of a Mexican ruin for no-pants selfie. And still we seriously wonder why the rest of the world hates us. 

Justin Bieber kicked out of a Mexican ruin for no-pants selfie. Bieber left Mexico with a serious case of Verge De La Grande Cabeza: He is a huge dickhead. 

In their playoff loss to Kansas City, Houston’s Brian Hoyer threw four interceptions and had a fumble. He was scarier than Ricky Gervais hosting the Golden Globes.

Not sure about Donald Trump’s handle on foreign policy. When he met his Slovanian wife Melania, he thought she worked for a light bulb company. 

New BFFs, Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence are presenting at the Golden Globes. They accomplished everything this year except keeping their sex number down. Bet that thing shot up into Paris Hilton digits. Combined it is higher than my golf score. And I am a terrible golfer. 

At a party, I overheard a “friend” talking smack about me and a friend behind our backs. He said I was a narcissist. Don’t remember what he said about my friend.