Saturday, January 02, 2016

It is reported the humpback whales are slow in returning to Hawaii. Look, I am no fan of the Kardashian sisters, but calling them humpback whales is a little rough.

“Star Wars: The Force Awakens” is about to pass “Titanic” in sales. That is amazing when 90% of return “Titanic” customers only went back hoping this time Rose would not chuck away the “Heart of the Ocean” diamond. 

In the Rose Bowl against Iowa, Stanford’s Christian McCaffrey amassed 368 yards. Nobody from Stanford has moved that fast since Tiger Woods when they announced half-off in the Bada Bing Gentlemen’s Club Champagne room. 

Since you asked:

The Heisman Trophy folks needs to start seriously worrying about their award's credibility. Yes, Christian McCaffery should have won, but he probably will win next year.

The list of the NFL’s greatest is a list of people who did not win the Heisman Trophy: Jim Brown, Gale Sayers, Johnny Unitas, Walter Payton, Joe Montana, John Elway, Joe Theismann, Joe Namath, Jerry Rice and Peyton Manning. 

And the list of NFL busts who did win the Heisman is growing with each and every new RGIII, Eric Crouch, Jason White, Tim Tebow and Matt Leinhart. (It is a little too soon to label Johnny “Football” Manziel a complete bust. Give him one more drunken video) 

The Heisman Trophy used to belong to the Downtown Athletic Club of which I was a member in the mid 80’s when I worked on Wall Street. The Downtown Athletic Club was the most inept and corrupt organization in Manhattan short of Bernie Madoff. They used to rip-off us members by hiding fees in the bills and they still went out of business.

The Downtown Athletic Club would hold fundraisers for charity and then keep the money. Stealing is bad. Stealing from a charity deserves a special place in hell. 

How is this for sleazy? The Downtown Athletic Club tried to extort money from the funds raised to support buildings seriously damaged by September 11th. The problem? Besides some smoke damage all of downtown New York had, the D.A.C. was not damaged during September 11th. The D.A.C. declared bankruptcy after not illegally obtaining the 9/11 funds it needed to stay afloat. 

So it does not surprise me the Heisman Trophy panel or committee is genuinely awful. (Yes, I know, sports writers vote, East Coast bias, blah, blah, blah. The Heisman Trophy committee or panel still has huge a influence determining who votes and thus who wins) 

And I did not even mention the sordid stain of OJ Simpson.

For the sake of the Iowa election where her poll numbers are dropping, Carly Fiorina tweeted her support for Iowa in the Rose Bowl throwing her alma mater, Stanford, under the bus.

How did that work out?

This is exactly like Hillary Clinton. 

Hillary Clinton, having grown up in the suburbs of Chicago, decided it made her look loyal and down-to-earth to be a Cubs fan. The extent that Hillary rammed being a Cubs fan down the public's throat was extensive. It seemed like every time you turned around, Hillary was in Wrigley Field throwing out the first pitch and singing "Take Me Out to The Ballgame" off-key. 

Endless pictures of Hillary in a Cubs hat.

So what is the first thing Hillary Clinton does when she runs for the Senate for New York? With a straight face, Hillary declares she is a Yankee and a Mets fan. 

P.S. Having been personally ripped-off by the total sleaze-bags at the Downtown Athletic Club in New York, when I heard of their unconscionable-even-for-them attempt to steal money from the September 11th damaged buildings fund, I lost it. 

So, back in December of 2001,  I found the Downtown Athletic Club's email address online and tore . . .  them . . . a . . . new . . . one. No sordid detail was spared from their hidden fees, to ripping off charities to their racist member selections.  

Every now and then, unloading against true evil with righteous indignation is cathartic. 

Low and behold, a few days later I got an amazingly thoughtful email:

“Dear Mr. Kaseberg;

We could not agree with you more that these practices you mentioned are deplorable. However, we are the Downtown Athletic Club of Portland, Oregon . . . ” 

Friday, January 01, 2016

“Star Wars: The Force Awakens” is about to pass “Titanic” in sales. Well of course a space ship will pass a sinking ship. Duh. 

Stanford still needs work on their trash talking: “Say there, athletic protagonist, hearsay has it your matriarch eschews the Oxford comma.” 

Donald Trump already broke his New Years Resolution. Trump said his resolution was not to be so damn awesome all the time.

Bill Cosby’s wife, Camille, will have to testify in a defamation suit against him. No word yet on if the judge and lawyers will pronounce her name Camille or like Cosby does “Cam- EEEEEEEElle.” 

Because she is campaigning in Iowa, Carly Fiorina, ditched her alma mater, Stanford, to tweet her support for Iowa in the Rose Bowl. No word on who she is for in the Losing Your Soul Bowl.  

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Watching a women’s beach volley ball tournament on TV. The woman at the net tries to hide the finger signals behind her butt. The one place every guy watching is looking. 

And the players wear numbers. Either one or two. Do we really need this? 

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Guns N’ Roses are reuniting. When I heard the news I was so excited, I dropped my Game Boy.

In Florida, a 98-year-old man shot a hole-in-one. When they congratulated him on his dream-come-true, he said; “I had sex with Betty White?” 

In Philadelphia, an arrest warrant for sexual assault has been issued to Bill Cosby. Let’s just say the charges are not for brotherly love.

A big-selling Christmas gift this year were Hoverboards. They were popular despite the fact a lot of people fell off and got hurt and they burst into flames. Hoverboards were the Donald Trump of Christmas presents.

Because he plans to attack Hillary and Bill Clinton on sexual indiscretions, Donald Trump has invited the media to investigate his own indiscretions. There are two words why Trump should not do that: Gary and Hart.

And why not? At this point, Trump could be linked romantically with a goat and many republicans would applaud his love of animals.

Johnny “Football” Manziel reported for Cleveland Brown practice and was treated for “Concussion-like symptoms.” The good news? He does not have a concussion. The bad news? Manziel is just stupid. 

Bill Cosby appeared before the magistrate in Philadelphia with a cane and two people supporting him. Skeptics accuse Cosby of acting frail, but anyone who has seen “Leonard Part 6” knows Cosby can’t act anything.

The wife of Miami Dolphin, Brent Grimes, Miko Grimes, is in trouble for tweeting mean and insulting things about the team’s QB, Ryan Tennehill. On the bright side, Miko has been hired as a speech writer for the Donald Trump campaign. 


And  This

 Plus this

Equals this. Delores Avery. Mother of Steven Avery in "Making a Murderer."

Yes, I confess to having an eye-guzzling marathon session of "Making a Murderer" on Netflix. It is "Fargo" meets "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" meets the OJ Simpson trial meets truly bad DNA.

Still not sure what the lesson is. Maybe the lesson is if a deplorably horrible and depraved human being gets sideways of inept police and hires sleazy lawyers, bad things happen. 

All I know is that anyone who questioned the suspect, Brendan Dassey, and did not haul off and repeatedly slap him, they deserve a medal. Lord knows I could not have done it. 

Several of the greatest people I know are from Wisconsin. Smart, hard-working, funny, great athletes. Those people are not on this show. 

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

The Times Square Olive Garden is offering a $400 New Year’s Special. And for an extra $100, you can use the bathroom where Snookie’s baby, Giovanna, was conceived. 

Kansas City is having a fantastic year in sports with the Royals winning the World Series and now the Chiefs playing great. No fans are more deserving, they are tops. But sports and barbecue aren't the only things going on in Kansas City, you have, well, for example there is. And don’t forget.  Hey, how about those Chiefs? 

A German man died after trying to blow up a condom vending machine to rob it. Which qualifies this crime as almost Florida-like.  

Speaking of Floridiots:

Miko Grimes mug shot after she head-butted a police officer. Shades of the Algonquin round table.

The Miami Dolphins’ latest loss prompted the wife of cornerback Brent Grimes, Miko Grimes, to take to Twitter to blame quarterback, Ryan Tannehill, for the Dolphin’s losing season. Tweets Miko:

“How many people does ryan tannehill have to get fired before you realize he’s the problem,” she wrote. “Yall do realize no legitimate coach will come here if he’s our qb, right? we’re screwed as long as he’s under center! just admit it!”

And Miko is absolutely right. 

Until the Dolphins can find a quarterback who can develop an app that can edit the obscene, second-grade level Tweets from an attention-whore, gold-digging shrew-wife of an over-paid, over-age, under-performing cornerback, the Dolphins do not stand a chance. 

(Hopefully that QB's Twitter-editing app will also correct run-on sentences on the blogs of lame comedy writers)

Can someone explain to me why this blog has 1,443 page views in Russia?  Anyone? Bueller?  Miko? Bueller? Putin?

This just in: Miko Grimes has a new nickname in the NFL: "Ten-Foot Pole.” As in what the other teams will not touch her husband, Brent, with after he’s cut thanks to Miko's Twitter sewage. 

You cannot get a better indication of how awful the San Diego Chargers’ organization is than their miss-treatment of a great and gutsy player, Eric Weddle. From the mishandling of Dan Fouts to John Carney to Weddle, the Spanos gang has been consistently inept all the way.

How utterly missable is “Jurassic World”? Nobody is a bigger Chris Pratt fan, but by the end I was pulling for the dinosaurs. They don’t let Pratt be Pratt. They try to turn him into Harrison Ford. You can hear the director yelling for him to smolder and steely-stare. And the redhead woman’s character is not likable at all. I’m sure Ronnie’s little girl, Dallas, is normally fine, but not in this. They went through the motions: "Dinosaurs run amok. Repeat."

Say what you want about that rude little Peter Pan Geico bastard; the red-headed lil' sombitch can sing like a mofizzy. 

Noticed my bad phone days and bad tech/computer days seem to come in batches. (Badges? We don' need no stinking' badges.") No, batches, not badges. 

Monday, December 28, 2015

Wally with his beloved new Christmas toy, Squeaky Snake

Officials in San Francisco are after graffiti artists who promoted Justin Bieber’s latest album “Purpose” by spraying it on sidewalks. Authorities are not after Bieber because, well, whoever wrote it spelled it correctly. 

Iraqi forces have driven ISIS out of Ramadi. Asked to comment about Ramadi driving out ISIS, Donald Trump said; “I always stay at the Hyatt.” 

“Star Wars: The Force Awakens” has been so successful, they’ve begun work on the next one: “Star Wars: We Don’t Quite Have All The Money.” 

Two female Louisiana high school English teachers were charged with having a three-way with a sixteen-year male student. Both women are facing jail and the boy is facing a lifetime of never having a Christmas this good ever again. 

Google and Ford are teaming up to build a driverless car. So one day soon, you too may own a Gooflord. 

 It is unseasonably warm for Christmas in New York. That thing on Donald Trump’s head has begun to molt. 

Sunday, December 27, 2015

The Washington Redskins beat the Philadelphia Eagles 38-24. The Eagles started well, but, in the end, they did not have enough boots on the ground. Of course it had nothing to do with boots on the ground, I just wanted to say boots on the ground. 

Did you see Steve Harvey call the toss in the Jets-Patriots overtime?