Wednesday, October 28, 2015

The makers of Viagra, Pfizer, and Allergan may merge. Guys, this could bring a new meaning to a hard sneeze. 

The Stanley Hotel, used in “The Shining,” will be the first Horror Museum. The Stanley Hotel Horror Museum’s scariest exhibit? The blue-light exam in a Motel Six room. 

Outgoing FIFA president, Sepp Blatter’s name wasn’t weird enough, now he could be replaced by a guy named Tokyo Sexwale. Incidentally, at the Love Ranch brothel in Nevada, a Tokyo Sexwale costs $2,000.  (Whale blubber not included)

Kris Jenner rushed to cash-in on Lamar Odom’s first post-coma interview. “Wow, Kris is a disgusting and greedy parasite,” said maggots.  

Jeb Bush’s debate plan to attack Marco Rubio backfired. I don’t want to say Jeb Bush’s campaign is in trouble, but today, Khloe Kardashian promised to stand by it. 

Kyle and Kendall Jenner both made “Time” magazine’s 30 Most Influential Teenagers list. As a result, the US made “The World’s Most Screwed Country” list.

42-year-old New York Mets pitcher, Bartolo Colon, became the oldest pitcher to lose a World Series Game. When asked how it felt to be the oldest pitcher to lose a World Series game, Bartolo said; “What World Series game?” 

Bartolo Colon is so old he waves off the catcher's signs just so he'll come out to the mound and chat. 

Bartolo Colon is so old, when he walks into the dugout he asks; "Now why did I come in here?" 

Phil Collins announced he is coming out of retirement. Now what he feels coming in the air tonight is his rheumatism. 


Brandon Jenner is now driving the repaired Escalade his father, Caitlyn Jenner, crashed in Malibu. There have been some alterations to the vehicle. Like Caitlyn, the stick shift is gone. 

After losing fingers in a fireworks mishap, Jason Pierre-Paul signed a deal with the New York Giants. It will be tough for Jason to adjust to playing in the NFL minus a few fingers.  On the bright side, he won’t be called for holding as much.

A study claims 37% of vegetarians admit to eating meat when they’re drunk. Vegetarians call it getting Burger Goggles. 

American Airlines is offering a “No Frills” fare. It’s cheaper, but it comes with less features, like no soft drinks, no snacks, no choosing seats and no boarding the airplane and actually going somewhere. 

The WHO has declared that bacon causes cancer. You thought us dumb guys liked bacon before? Now when we eat it, we think we’re daredevils. 

Despite countless sexual assault charges, the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce has repeated they will not remove Bill Cosby’s star from the Walk of Fame. They do suggest women in skirts walk around it. 

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Bartolo Colon is an amazing pitcher

Both World Series teams have players named Colon. This Series will have a lot of intestinal fortitude. 

The father of Botox, Dr. Arnie Klein, died at 70. Actually, he died at 69, it took a year to figure it out. 

A cracker from a lifeboat on the Titanic sold for $23,000. So the curse of the Titanic just keeps on claiming tragic victims. 

After a serious fireworks hand injury, Jason Pierre-Paul signed a deal with the New York Giants. Jason was so excited, he gave the deal one-and-a-half thumbs up. 

Jason was so excited, he gave the Giants a high-three. 

The headline read “The WHO declares bacon causes cancer.” That’s fine, I thought, but I am going to wait and see what the Rolling Stones say.

Dr. Ben Carson is leading Donald Trump in the Iowa polls 28% to 18%. The coma sneaks past the combover. 

(Unlike Fetch, I am going to make this coma/combover, Carson/Trump-thing happen) 

The New York Giants are close to a deal with lineman, Jean Pierre-Paul, who injured his hand in a fireworks accident. No comment from Pierre-Paul’s agent, Jimmy Fallon. 

A comedian has been elected president of Guatemala. When asked to comment, the voters of Guatemala said; “Hey, come on. Trump?”

Halle Barre is getting divorced. For you guys who think you have a chance, log on to 

Monday, October 26, 2015

Donald Trump said he had a rough start with just a small million dollar loan from his father. You have to remember this was way back in 1973 when a million dollars was seven times more of a ridiculously huge amount than it is today.

I'll never forget when my dad lent me a million bucks. Or was it a clean shirt? Yeah, it was a clean shirt. 

In Indiana, a woman was shot in the foot when her dog stepped on her shotgun. Her dog’s name is Trigger. Good thing she left her dog Sniper at home. 

Mike Tyson is endorsing Donald Trump. And if you can’t trust the political advice of a guy who lost $300 million, but gained a face tattoo, who can you trust?

The Detroit Lions new offensive coordinator is Jim Bob Cooter. That call home must have been interesting;

"No, I’m not lyin’, I’m a Lion. I’m not lyin’ ‘bout nothin’, I’m a Lion. What do you mean about what? I'm a Lion.” 

In Indiana, a woman was shot in the foot when her dog, Trigger, stepped on her shotgun. The NRA impulsively responded; "Think how much worse it could have been if the dog wasn't armed . . . wait, I think I did this wrong . . ." 

Mike Tyson is saying of Donald Trump; “He should be president of the United States.” That or he said; “He shoo-bee pessimist of humidor essays.”  

Don't get Iron Mike started talking about how much he likes Trump, he'll chew your ear off.

In Washington, New Jersey Gov., Chris Christie, was kicked out of an Amtrak quiet car for yelling. Apparently, in the quiet car, you can’t scream; “Why didn’t you tell me they do not have pudding on this train?”

Sunday, October 25, 2015

An NFL catch:

"A player must gain control of the ball and make a "football move." If a player goes to the ground in the act of catching a pass (with or without contact by an opponent), he must maintain control of the ball after he touches the ground, whether in the field of play or the end zone. If he loses control of the ball, and the ball touches the ground before he regains control, the pass is incomplete. If he regains control prior to the ball touching the ground, the pass is complete.”

A Baseball catch:

The player catches it because it doesn’t hit the ground. 

I have played on four touch football teams that tackled better than the San Diego Chargers' secondary. My ex-girlfriend tackled better than Brandon Flowers. He needs a new name. Flowers is too tough.

If it is possible for someone to be offended by a Halloween costume, they need to go see a proctologist to get the bug up their ass removed. 

By definition and design, Halloween costumes are supposed to try and shock/scare/disgust. If someone allows themselves to take offense, they are admitting they don’t understand that. 

Or they’re a douche. 

In Washington, New Jersey Gov., Chris Christie, was kicked out of an Amtrak quiet car for yelling on his cell phone. Apparently you can’t scream; “What do you mean you can’t deliver a pizza to a moving train?” while in the quiet car. 

The San Diego Chargers lost to the Oakland Raiders in the "Which Team Is Going to Fail in Los Angeles?" bowl.

Earlier this year, Jimmy Fallon injured his left hand, Saturday night, he cut his right hand on a bottle. His audience might have to really give him a hand. 

In Los Angeles, a leg was stolen from an organ donation van. The victim was hopping mad. But those thieves really went out on a limb. 

When the van owner filed a report with the police they thought he was pulling their leg. 

In addition to theft, the thieves will be wanted for cattle rustling . . . for stealing a calf.

The biopic, “Steven Jobs” bombed at the box office. It did so badly, they are thinking or re-naming it “Michael Dell.”

50 Women have now accused Bill Cosby of sexual assault. I’m starting to think there is something to this.

How to make a Donald Trump Halloween pumpkin:

A, Buy a huge, bright orange pumpkin.

B, Throw some straw on top.

C, You're done.