Friday, April 25, 2014

50 al Qaeda terrorists were killed in Yemen by a US drone two days after releasing a video that revealed their identities and their location. I believe their al Qaeda sect was called; ah-Sheesh Zayare Ehdiots.

A New York bakery is going to offer a low-calorie donut. Because if there is one thing all donut lovers have in common, it is the fanatic need to count calories.
The low-calorie donuts come in three styles: One, "Eh, it’s OK". Two, "Try dunking it in coffee", and Three, "You want the rest of this thing?"

Since you asked:

Thanks, Jared Leto, Bill Gates and Lady Gaga, for encouraging me to follow my dreams. 
But have you noticed how all the people who tell you to follow your dreams are rich and famous? You don't hear the guy from the 80's one hit metal band, Wrachetz, who has the dragon neck tattoo and is giving guitar lessons in Van Nuys out of his van telling us to follow our dreams.
Or how about the sweaty guy in the yellow school bus swatting flies off of his churro traveling to his Mexican Semi-pro basketball game? Is he going to tell me to follow my dreams?
Or the woman who wasn't called back for the porno "Ass Blasters" shot in the Encino Motel Six on plastic sheets who was told they want to go in a younger direction?
Speaking of depressing. How crazy is it out of the 335 division one basketball teams in the US, roughly over 5,000 damn good players, only about 30 will make an NBA team? 
Xavier Thames of San Diego State led his team to the sweet 16 and a close loss to Arizona, and he has, at best, a 50-50 shot at getting drafted. If he does get drafted in the second round, he has about a one-in-16 shot of making an NBA roster. 
Between foreign players and veterans who want to stick around, getting into the NBA is rough. 

And yet, despite these amazing, amazing, odds, the New York Knicks and the Los Angeles Lakers still suck. 

Thursday, April 24, 2014

In Tennessee a woman was arrested for having a loaded gun hidden in her vagina. Nobody can accuse her of going off half cocked. But she isn’t crazy, the safety was on. 

Since you asked:
There are all these great comedian celebrity feuds going on, like Kimmel vs. Kanye and Stewart vs. Hannity, and I want in. But those feuds are sort of close celebrity rating wise. Since I have absolutely no celebrity value at all, to balance things off, I have to pick a feud with a virtual celebrity monster. An icon.
So Lex Vs. Oprah is officially on.
Oprah’s homeless mother-in-law? Don’t want to say I told you so, but I did tell you so.
To be fair, there is an expression in the African American community that refers to crabs in a barrel. If a crab starts to climb the wall of a barrel to freedom, the other crabs will pull it back down. Oprah is the biggest crab in the biggest barrel and I am sure there are two sides to the homeless mother-in-law story.
Oprah is as big as it gets and you don’t get as big as it gets – especially as a black woman emerging in the ‘80’s - without being motivated to the point of being ruthless. If Oprah is only warm and fuzzy on camera, that is her right, you cannot take away her amazing accomplishments. Her contributions to charities. You name it. There, I said the nice stuff.
But the evidence against Oprah is mounting. Let’s review.
Oprah had just turned into a much beloved icon when we skied by her place in Telluride. It was two identical and totally separate mansion log cabins joined by a narrow catwalk.
Telluride was a small town and Oprah, like Tom Cruise, was not considered a part of the community. She had personal assistants and shoppers. One restaurant owner who had dealt with Oprah said, just as Rosie O’Donnell was emerging as the bitter queen of mean, she thought Oprah’s personality was way more like Rosie O’Donnell, gruff, mean and grumpy, than she was like, well, Oprah.
The Telluride locals also joked how Steadman was consigned to his building and his building only.
Then, a few years later, Letterman sent an intern - who worshipped Oprah - to Chicago as a peace offering to get Oprah on a comedy bit and back on his show. By then, Oprah had made her hatred of Letterman well known and – off camera - Oprah’s burly security staff physically and roughly removed the poor guy from the Harpo building. He was quite literally thrown off the property.
It was ugly. It was now clear there were at least two Oprahs emerging. Sweetness and light, “I give my audience cars” Oprah, and “Don’t you dare cross me” Oprah.
Then there was the ugly Swiss purse shopping incident. The shop keeper says Oprah went all “Don’t you know who I am?” ballistic on her, Oprah claims racism by the shop keeper, who had no record of racism or customer complaints, and vehementally denies refusing to show Oprah a $40,000 purse. And why would a shop keeper not want to sell a $40,000 purse? It did not add up. 
And then came the final; “Where there is smoke there is fire” story about Oprah.
Oprah loves to tell the story of driving by her now Montecito mansion, falling in love and asking the sweet old couple how much to sell it? When they nicely said they weren’t selling, Oprah says she just kept raising the offer until the sweet old folks were more than delighted to sell.
That version contradicts utterly with what a high-up real estate broker in Santa Barbara says happened. (friend of a friend)
It is true Oprah fell in love with the place, but then it turned ugly fast. Lots of Oprah’s assistants telling the older couple things like; “Oprah gets what she wants.” And even more “You don’t know who you’re dealing with.” And even one: “We will make your life a living hell.”
Then it gets worse. Alleged physical threats from muscle-head security types, like with the Letterman intern, accusations of vandalism, sudden power outages. Garbage not picked up anymore. Broken windows. Everything but a horse head in the bed.
Finally a secret settlement and an iron-clad confidentiality agreement were hammered out behind closed doors. But the former owners were not shy about venting their hatred of Oprah and or Oprah’s people. Again, there are always two sides . . . 
Maybe Oprah did not have anything directly to do with the dirty work at Montecito, but a person like her had to at least know what was going on. People get fired for not clearing things with Oprah.
Oprah cut her professional teeth in Chicago, and, as I have mentioned before, there is something in the water in Chicago that makes socially ambitious and status-greedy women grow an evil, vile side. (Think Martha Stewart shiving a fellow inmate)
In college, I dated a girl whose mother was a top socialite in a wealthy, wealthy Chicago suburb, Kenilworth. She would have rather cut off her own finger with her sterling silver grape shears than not respond to someone with a nice hand-written note.
But because she thought I was a bad influence on her daughter - which I was - there is no doubt in my mind if she knew she could have gotten away with having me rubbed out, she would have done it. Gwen Stefani no doubt. My body would have been deep in Lake Michigan. Lex swims with the fishes. Adios Alejandro. No mas me.
Oprah strikes me a lot like that always-smiling, cold-blooded woman. A whole lot.
Oprah’s public presence is not as high as it once was, so maybe more stories of victims of Oprah’s abuse, like her former mother-in-law, will emerge if people do not feel as threatened by Oprah. There is no doubt in my mind there are more stories out there and, eventually, more will emerge.
The biggest problem Oprah will face to the possible Martha Stewart/Paula Deen-like utter destruction of her image is the downfall that comes when giant celebrities (see: Gwyneth Paltrow) portray themselves as sweetness and light and it turns out they are not just nasty as hell, but the ultimate unforgivable crime: a huge hypocrite.

We, the public, can forgive Charlie Sheen-like inexcusably bad behavior, what we cannot forget is a Tiger Woods-like hypocrite who is nasty to underlings.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

The Dallas Cowboys will take Johnny Manziel if he is available in the draft. Tony Romo will still start at QB, but Johnny "Football" would come in as the designated choker.

Washington Redskins owner, Dan Snyder, insists he will never change their team's name. "That is truly upsetting, because a respectful name is vital, " said tribal leader Chief Smellybottom. 

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Oscar Meyer is recalling 96 thousand pounds of hot dogs because they contain cheese in them; or as nutritionists are calling cheese: the healthiest thing ever put in a hot dog.

The coolest dudes ever.

Keith Richards
Jimi Hendrix

Bruce Springsteen
Paul Newman
Joe Namath
Tom Petty
Jackie Robinson

David Letterman (so uncool he is cool)
Sir Richard Branson
Prince Harry (anyone who finishes helicopter training outside of L.A., buys a motorcycle and then drives it to Las Vegas to party naked with naked super models is cool)
Joe Montana
Dean Martin

Junior Wells 
Johnny Depp
George Clooney
Abraham Lincoln
George Washington
Bob Marley
Navy Seals

Surfers Kelly Slater, Laird Hamilton and surfer/singer Jack Johnson.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Yes, it has happened
Up to 30 al Qaeda terrorists were killed by a drone just days after releasing a video that identified them and their location while celebrating at their homes. These terrorists were said to belong to the al Qaeda sect: al Howstupida Kanzaybee.

Authorities question if a 16-year-old boy stowed in a wheel well from San Jose to Hawaii; the amount of insulation a body would require to survive freezing temperatures and the lack of oxygen to the brain would have to approach Kardashian levels.

The men’s division of the Boston Marathon was won by a 38-year-old San Diegan, Meb Keflezighi. Now, I don’t want to say Meb is old, but his last name came from the last eye chart he passed over 10 years ago.

Here is my list of great rock stars who have more than a little corny pop-star/jingle/folk singer/bad writer in them. 

Remember, they have to be great to make the list. That is why Jefferson Starship is not on it. They suck.

Paul McCartney. Three words: “Silly Love Songs.” Another word: “Wings.”
David Crosby.  Great pipes, but the guy is a cape-wearing folk singer.
Lenny Kravitz. The guy started out as a Prince cover under the name Romeo Blue.
Eddie Van Halen “Me Wise Magic.”
Aerosmith. “Pink.”
Billy Joel. Also great, but a glorified lounge singer. A truly great lounge singer, but a lounge singer all the same. 

Prince. He wrote “Manic Monday.”
Elton John. “I Can’t Steer My Heart Clear of You.” Let’s face it, most of his stuff these days sounds too “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” Disney movie-like.
Jim Morrison. The guy wrote poetry. And “Love Street.”
Phil Collins. As great as Genesis was, “Sussudio” makes me suh suh sick.
George Harrison. “Got My Mind Set On You.” Again, I am huge George fan, he was my favorite Beatle, but he started out so strong with “All Things Must Pass” and then, much later, had some stinkers. Kids, don’t do drugs.
Sting “If You Love Somebody.”
Rush. Have warmed to them over time, but much of their stuff leaks over to techno-folkie. Say it with me again, Depeche Mode and Emerson, Lake and Palmer fans: there just is no such thing as pseudo-intellectual rock and roll.
Bob Dylan “Hurricane” is pretty bad, but “Wiggle Wiggle” is worse.
Beatles. “Obladi Oblada” is bad by any measure. The moral? Even the best ever can write a crap song.
Styx’s Dennis DeYoung. The guy is a real cornball lounge lizard. “Desert Moon” is even worse than “Mr. Roboto” if that is even possible.
James Taylor. Truly love the guy, top of my list, but some of the stuff with Carly Simon was a little sappy.
Michael Jackson. “Ben”
Elvis Presley “In the Ghetto” and many others. Never really ever made it to being a big Elvis fan. Too much of the Las Vegas and Karate in the sequin white suits for me.
America “Tin Man.”

Eagles. “Greeks Don’t Like No Freaks” is one crappy-ass skid mark of a song in a mostly illustrious collection. Would have put the onus on Glenn Frey - “Sexy Girl” truly sucks - until I heard Henley’s “Building the Perfect Beast,” and when I say heard, I have never made it all the way through that sorry pig.