In Tennessee a woman was arrested for having a loaded gun hidden in her vagina. Nobody can accuse her of going off half cocked. But she isn’t crazy, the safety was on. 

Since you asked:

There are all these great comedian celebrity feuds going on, like Kimmel vs. Kanye and Stewart vs. Hannity, and I want in. But those feuds are sort of close celebrity rating wise. Since I have absolutely no celebrity value at all, to balance things off, I have to pick a feud with a virtual celebrity monster. An icon.

So Lex Vs. Oprah is officially on.

Oprah’s homeless mother-in-law? Don’t want to say I told you so, but I did tell you so.

To be fair, there is an expression in the African American community that refers to crabs in a barrel. If a crab starts to climb the wall of a barrel to freedom, the other crabs will pull it back down. Oprah is the biggest crab in the biggest barrel and I am sure there are two sides to the homeless mother-in-law story.

Oprah is as big as it gets and you don’t get as big as it gets – especially as a black woman emerging in the ‘80’s - without being motivated to the point of being ruthless. If Oprah is only warm and fuzzy on camera, that is her right, you cannot take away her amazing accomplishments. Her contributions to charities. You name it. There, I said the nice stuff.

But the evidence against Oprah is mounting. Let’s review.

Oprah had just turned into a much beloved icon when we skied by her place in Telluride. It was two identical and totally separate mansion log cabins joined by a narrow catwalk.

Telluride was a small town and Oprah, like Tom Cruise, was not considered a part of the community. She had personal assistants and shoppers. One restaurant owner who had dealt with Oprah said, just as Rosie O’Donnell was emerging as the bitter queen of mean, she thought Oprah’s personality was way more like Rosie O’Donnell, gruff, mean and grumpy, than she was like, well, Oprah.

The Telluride locals also joked how Steadman was consigned to his building and his building only.

Then, a few years later, Letterman sent an intern - who worshipped Oprah - to Chicago as a peace offering to get Oprah on a comedy bit and back on his show. By then, Oprah had made her hatred of Letterman well known and – off camera - Oprah’s burly security staff physically and roughly removed the poor guy from the Harpo building. He was quite literally thrown off the property.

It was ugly. It was now clear there were at least two Oprahs emerging. Sweetness and light, “I give my audience cars” Oprah, and “Don’t you dare cross me” Oprah.

Then there was the ugly Swiss purse shopping incident. The shop keeper says Oprah went all “Don’t you know who I am?” ballistic on her, Oprah claims racism by the shop keeper, who had no record of racism or customer complaints, and vehementally denies refusing to show Oprah a $40,000 purse. And why would a shop keeper not want to sell a $40,000 purse? It did not add up. 

And then came the final; “Where there is smoke there is fire” story about Oprah.

Oprah loves to tell the story of driving by her now Montecito mansion, falling in love and asking the sweet old couple how much to sell it? When they nicely said they weren’t selling, Oprah says she just kept raising the offer until the sweet old folks were more than delighted to sell.

That version contradicts utterly with what a high-up real estate broker in Santa Barbara says happened. (friend of a friend)

It is true Oprah fell in love with the place, but then it turned ugly fast. Lots of Oprah’s assistants telling the older couple things like; “Oprah gets what she wants.” And even more “You don’t know who you’re dealing with.” And even one: “We will make your life a living hell.”

Then it gets worse. Alleged physical threats from muscle-head security types, like with the Letterman intern, accusations of vandalism, sudden power outages. Garbage not picked up anymore. Broken windows. Everything but a horse head in the bed.

Finally a secret settlement and an iron-clad confidentiality agreement were hammered out behind closed doors. But the former owners were not shy about venting their hatred of Oprah and or Oprah’s people. Again, there are always two sides . . . 

Maybe Oprah did not have anything directly to do with the dirty work at Montecito, but a person like her had to at least know what was going on. People get fired for not clearing things with Oprah.

Oprah cut her professional teeth in Chicago, and, as I have mentioned before, there is something in the water in Chicago that makes socially ambitious and status-greedy women grow an evil, vile side. (Think Martha Stewart shiving a fellow inmate)

In college, I dated a girl whose mother was a top socialite in a wealthy, wealthy Chicago suburb, Kenilworth. She would have rather cut off her own finger with her sterling silver grape shears than not respond to someone with a nice hand-written note.

But because she thought I was a bad influence on her daughter - which I was - there is no doubt in my mind if she knew she could have gotten away with having me rubbed out, she would have done it. Gwen Stefani no doubt. My body would have been deep in Lake Michigan. Lex swims with the fishes. Adios Alejandro. No mas me.

Oprah strikes me a lot like that always-smiling, cold-blooded woman. A whole lot.

Oprah’s public presence is not as high as it once was, so maybe more stories of victims of Oprah’s abuse, like her former mother-in-law, will emerge if people do not feel as threatened by Oprah. There is no doubt in my mind there are more stories out there and, eventually, more will emerge.

The biggest problem Oprah will face to the possible Martha Stewart/Paula Deen-like utter destruction of her image is the downfall that comes when giant celebrities (see: Gwyneth Paltrow) portray themselves as sweetness and light and it turns out they are not just nasty as hell, but the ultimate unforgivable crime: a huge hypocrite.

We, the public, can forgive Charlie Sheen-like inexcusably bad behavior, what we cannot forget is a Tiger Woods-like hypocrite who is nasty to underlings.