Saturday, February 23, 2013

Cuz girls go crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed dawg

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Tom Petty - It's Good To Be King

A big part of my surf sessions are looking forward to and then drinking ice cold Newman's Own lemonade from my thermos after. No lie, that stuff is the bee's tuchus. 

Later gators to the haters, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A Florida couple on “Strange Addictions” admitted they were hooked on several coffee enemas a day. Boy, that is when you know you’re too lazy, when you can’t go through the ordeal that is pouring coffee into a cup and sipping it.

 “Using that cup is too exhausting. Can you just shoot it up my butt? Thanks.”

In Florida, (where else?) a female driver and her boyfriend crashed through a house while getting amorous in the car. Not only that, but, at the time, the woman was texting; “Oh, baby, oh yeah.”

Happy 50th Birthday to Michael Jordan. His Airness spent the day alienating his birthday party guests by trash talking during Pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey. “You call that putting the tail on the ass’s ass, you ass? ”

In California, a rapist used the dating website,, to rape his victims. Even OJ Simpson said; “Oh, that guy is going to hell.”

Former San Diego Mayor, Maureen O’Connor, told a court she lost over a billion dollars of her late husband’s money gambling. Why is she a former mayor? We need this woman in congress right now. She’s perfect.

In sad news, the Los Angeles Lakers owner, Jerry Buss, died at 80. The funeral is set for Saturday, but the way the Lakers have been shooting, they’ll probably miss that too.

At the funeral, the casket will be open, but Kobe Bryant still won’t pass to him. 

Since you asked:

Double-amputee Olympian, Oscar Pistorius, charged with premeditated murder of his girlfriend, is just one of the latest of Nike athletes to explode in a scandal, including Lance Armstrong, Manti Te’o, Ben Roethlisburger, Michael Vick, Suzy Favor Hamilton, Tiger Woods and Kobe Bryant.

If I didn’t know better, I would swear the top executives at Nike are stone-assed arrogant douche bags. Oh, right, I do know better, and they are.

A Nike commercial compares Pistorius to a bullet. So what is next? A White Ford Bronco commercial for OJ? How on earth did Nike miss Ray Lewis? That guy has probably killed at least two people. He is perfect for Nike, which might stand for Notoriously Insane Killers Employed.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Our strategy is to re-activate a client-oriented skill-set initiative that is actionable and sustainable in an optimal growth configuration in a creative and yet productive scenario, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In England, they continue to find more and more horse meat in their food; or as Camilla Parker Bowles calls it: cannibalism.

Bruce Willis is starring in his fifth “Die Hard” movie. You can tell Willis is getting older, in this one his catch phrase is; “Yippie Kai . . .  why did I walk into this room?”

Olympian Oscar Pistorius, who competes in the 400 meters with blades on his two amputated legs, was arrested for murdering his girlfriend. Apparently she stole one of his blades and he was hopping mad.

The prosecution is concerned that if he doesn’t bring his leg-blades, this case could drag on forever.

Spring training has begun for the Chicago Cubs. Wednesday pitchers and catchers reported. Friday position players reported. Monday, grief counselors and depression therapists checked in.

Since you asked:

How did I live without watching “House of Lies”? It is that anxiety dream where I am writing for a production company in Santa Barbara, but I have no idea what the project is.

When I was selling CPT word processing systems (don’t ask, they went out of business a few years later) in Santa Barbara, we had to compete against IBM. IBM sales people were impossibly arrogant jerks in blue suits and white shirts with yellow ties, who just strolled in and said to beleaguered office managers;

“Nobody ever got fired choosing IBM.”

So we had to really sell the hell out of our system to prove why we were better for their business than IBM. This one potential sale was for 10 word processors which went for $40,000 apiece. (And this was in 1981) Worked my butt off, but the guy just couldn’t make a decision between us and IBM.

My only solace was the IBM guy was having the same problem.

So our company’s HQ sends in a big time salesman from Minnesota to close the deal. And I have to pick him up at the airport and take him to my prospect. It sort of feels like bringing in Justin Timberlake to get a girl to go out with you.

The guy is a total sleaze bucket. If you were making a movie with a sleazy salesperson, this would be the guy. Pinstriped black suit and a polyester shirt with ribs and a two-tone collar. Greased back hair. Pinky ring. He reeked of Polo cologne, looked at his gold Rolex watch every five minutes and he started every sentence with;

“Can I be honest with you?”

My car at the time was a used red Audi station wagon, the sole purpose of which, before I got the computer sales job, was to take me and my windsurfer to the beach and back. He takes one look at the car and says;

“Can I be honest with you? When are you going to trade in this POS for a Beamer?”

We drive to the appointment, on the way, I try to update him on the needs of the client. He doesn’t care. He just says he is going to go with the assumptive close. As much as I try to impress on him how diligent and smart this guy, the prospect is, all this guy can say is;

“Can I be honest with you? I don’t care.”

This scumbag strolls in shakes my prospect’s hand and says;

“Can I be honest with you? It is going to be great to have you as a CPT client. Thank you.”

Then this guy places an expansive looking gold Cross pen on the purchase contract, hands it to my prospect with the pen slowly rolling off. The prospect, whom I have spent a month trying to close, grabs the pen before it falls off and signs the fricking $500,000 contract.

We walk back to the car and I am totally speechless. This guy just says;

“Let’s go to the bar at my hotel, you’re buying.”

That guy is like the stars of “House of Lies."

P.S. My commission on this sale, which I remember as being about $20,000, got dragged out for so long, I had to leave for New York my new job as a bond broker, so I didn’t see a dime. (Both the independent office I worked for in Santa Barbara and CPT were already headed for bankruptcy)

In the meantime, I refused a job offer from two computer science majors I knew from UC Santa Barbara who were starting a business software company in Ojai/Oxnard. Why? Because, even though they offered me a 25% percent of the company, it would have entailed me going back to work as a waiter for three months until the money came in.

Ten years later, they sold to Microsoft and they both live on estates in Hope Ranch in Santa Barbara.

Oh well.

They don't have a gorgeous golden-doodle named Wally wearing a bow tie who is lying on their feet snoring like a drunken sailor. 

Yes, I bought Wally a bow tie. 

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

And it's good ol' country comfort in my bones, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A Florida couple admitted they were hooked on several coffee enemas a day. Not only that, but they’re not welcomed back at their local Starbucks anytime soon.

Happy 50th Birthday to Michael Jordan. You can tell Michael is getting up there. Now the only trash talking he does is when he yells; “You punks get off my lawn.”

In sad news, the Los Angeles Lakers owner, Jerry Buss, died at 80. The funeral is set for Saturday, but the way the Lakers have been shooting, they’ll probably miss that too.

The Ben Affleck movie “Argo” is available on DVD. It was really good, but I was kind of disappointed. I thought “Argo” was a documentary on pirate travel. 

Since you asked:

In honor of President's Day, her is a:

List of things Lex would ban as President: 

Designated hitter.

Marketing calls

Magazine subscription cards

Door-to-door sales people

All non-Good Humor ice cream trucks

Outside grocery store solicitations

Internet pop-up ads.

Owning a pitt bull

Owning an automatic weapon

Shopping channels/networks

Childhood beauty pageants

Incarceration for recreational marijuana use

No more than one Kardashian-related reality show at a time

P.S. It has been 384 hours since the Super Bowl and Ray Lewis still hasn't stabbed anyone. 

Sir Walter Wally

Wally "Two-Biscuits"

"Taco Night" Wally

Wally the P.

"By Golly" Wally

Wally "Tkaczuks"

Wally "Waffles"

Monday, February 18, 2013

The Eagles - Victim Of Love

I could be wrong, but I’m not, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A Florida couple on “Strange Addictions” admitted they were hooked on several coffee enemas a day:

“We’ve secretly replaced the regular coffee the Jones’s put up their butts with Folger’s crystals. Let’s see if they noticed.”

Where do they get their coffee? Starbutts.

Guys, you want to know if you had a good Valentines Day? If you’re woman is still speaking to you and you’re not sleeping on the couch? You had a good Valentines Day.

After 150 years, the ugliest woman in history, or the ape woman, was finally buried in her home in Mexico; it was a touching funeral, all the mourners were given bags to put over their faces.

A Florida couple on “Strange Addictions” admitted they were hooked on several coffee enemas a day. Not only that, they get their coffee at Starbucks, so they paid through the butt.

Since you asked:

Very much liked “History of the Eagles.” It was definitely slanted in favor of the surviving Eagles, including Azoff, but, it did give the “Egos” a chance to air their side.

There really are two sides to every story.

One of the great surprises was how much of a sense of humor they all had. Well, besides Azoff. Frey, as it turns out, is damn funny. Always knew Henley was witty, and Joe Walsh goes into the character hall of fame, but all could poke fun at themselves and their amazing situation. Suppose they had to if they wanted to retain any sanity.

As Henley points out with his line; “What do you do when your dreams come true and they’re not quite like you planned?” He said success can be just as disconcerting as failure. 

It truly showed how even being a rock star could be a mixed blessing. For one example: congratulations, you get to have groupies. Reality? Many times the groupies weren’t all that good looking. Or not crazy. (Keith Richards touched on this in his autobiography, “Life”)

Another thing that was amazing was, despite all of their incredible talents, without benefit of playing their own songs, and without much playing time, at the Gallery in Aspen, at times they weren’t very good. 

Witnesses, including the amazing producer of Led Zeppelin and the Rolling Stones, Glyn Johns, said Frey would turn himself so high on his mic and amp, his guitar and voice was all you could hear. Played in a band with a guy who did that. No matter how well everyone else plays, it sounds horrible.

Nothing worse than coming off the stage after playing what you thought was a good solo or riff and having people tell you; “Um, we couldn’t hear you.”

“History of the Eagles” highlighted no matter how huge and great a band becomes, they don’t get there without a lot of help. Bob Seger, Jackson Browne, Linda Rondstadt, David Geffen, Glyn Johns, Kenny Rogers, without all of their considerable help there would have been no Eagles.

But give credit where it is due: without a ton of hard work on top of a ton of talent, the Eagles would not get to where they are by accident. Definite legends. As much as I love Don Felder, for the first time I can see why Frey got so pissed at him in 1980.

There’s no getting around that Frey and Henley acted like dickheads at times. Henley making some poor roadie drag a mattress and his Kimono collection chest, Frey firing a road manager in Europe for bringing him a soft pack of Marlboros instead of a hard box.

But Henley and Frey also gave everyone else their chance. And they were both full-blown coke addicts. Coke is well-known for bringing out the worst in people.

This documentary showed how the Byrds throw-away line “Just get yourself an electric guitar and learn how to play” was indeed a trite myth. It took amazing talent and even harder work. And then a lot of lucky breaks.  

Saw the Eagles at the Forum before "Hotel California" was on the radio. Thought the backdrop of the Beverly Hills Hotel meant the nickname of the Forum was "Hotel California." When Henley started singing "Desperado" goose-bump inducing strings kicked in and the Hotel California backdrop came up revealing the entire L.A. Philharmonic Orchestra. 

And maybe Felder should have let the financial split favor Frey and Henley when the got back together in 1994. In his own bio, Felder admits he turned down an offer to play lead for Henley during Henley’ solo career, because it was for the union standard sideman’s cut. 

Timothy B. Schmidt took sideman gigs with Toto and even Ratt.

Despite all the spats, drugs and egos, in the end all that matters is the music, and the Eagles music was great.

Except for some of that crap on “The Long Run.”

Here are mistakes made from every band 

Starting with that amazingly crappy band playing at the company picnic for $100, to the greatest band, ever, (sorry Led and Beatles, but it is true) the Rolling Stones. 

People turning up their amps higher and higher during the course of the gig. (This problem is usually corrected with a good soundboard guy mixing out in the audience) 

Drummer speeding up the beat.

Singer forgetting lyrics. (Henley did it during their comeback gig)

Mic feedback. (It happened on Bob Marley's live recording of "No Woman No Cry." in "Legends." 

Playing new songs (Truth-be-told, I did not like "Hotel California" the first time I heard it because I had never heard it before. To me it should have been called; "The Only Eagles Songs I Don't Know")

Playing too long on one song. Namely repeating solos too many times. (At a benefit concert, Eric Clapton was sounding so amazing on his solo on "Let it Be" Paul threw back to him three times. On the third time you could see Clapton rolling his eyes in a "Oh, not again" way. John Bonham was the greatest drummer ever, but after five minutes of his drum solo, I wanted to slit my throat)

Anything having to do with "Boston" "Kiss" or "Depeche Mode." Repeat after me, there is no such thing as pseudo-intellectual rock and roll or "performance" rock and roll, i.e., make up and costumes. 

Oh, and I still hate Ted Nugent.