Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Our strategy is to re-activate a client-oriented skill-set initiative that is actionable and sustainable in an optimal growth configuration in a creative and yet productive scenario, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In England, they continue to find more and more horse meat in their food; or as Camilla Parker Bowles calls it: cannibalism.

Bruce Willis is starring in his fifth “Die Hard” movie. You can tell Willis is getting older, in this one his catch phrase is; “Yippie Kai . . .  why did I walk into this room?”

Olympian Oscar Pistorius, who competes in the 400 meters with blades on his two amputated legs, was arrested for murdering his girlfriend. Apparently she stole one of his blades and he was hopping mad.

The prosecution is concerned that if he doesn’t bring his leg-blades, this case could drag on forever.

Spring training has begun for the Chicago Cubs. Wednesday pitchers and catchers reported. Friday position players reported. Monday, grief counselors and depression therapists checked in.

Since you asked:

How did I live without watching “House of Lies”? It is that anxiety dream where I am writing for a production company in Santa Barbara, but I have no idea what the project is.

When I was selling CPT word processing systems (don’t ask, they went out of business a few years later) in Santa Barbara, we had to compete against IBM. IBM sales people were impossibly arrogant jerks in blue suits and white shirts with yellow ties, who just strolled in and said to beleaguered office managers;

“Nobody ever got fired choosing IBM.”

So we had to really sell the hell out of our system to prove why we were better for their business than IBM. This one potential sale was for 10 word processors which went for $40,000 apiece. (And this was in 1981) Worked my butt off, but the guy just couldn’t make a decision between us and IBM.

My only solace was the IBM guy was having the same problem.

So our company’s HQ sends in a big time salesman from Minnesota to close the deal. And I have to pick him up at the airport and take him to my prospect. It sort of feels like bringing in Justin Timberlake to get a girl to go out with you.

The guy is a total sleaze bucket. If you were making a movie with a sleazy salesperson, this would be the guy. Pinstriped black suit and a polyester shirt with ribs and a two-tone collar. Greased back hair. Pinky ring. He reeked of Polo cologne, looked at his gold Rolex watch every five minutes and he started every sentence with;

“Can I be honest with you?”

My car at the time was a used red Audi station wagon, the sole purpose of which, before I got the computer sales job, was to take me and my windsurfer to the beach and back. He takes one look at the car and says;

“Can I be honest with you? When are you going to trade in this POS for a Beamer?”

We drive to the appointment, on the way, I try to update him on the needs of the client. He doesn’t care. He just says he is going to go with the assumptive close. As much as I try to impress on him how diligent and smart this guy, the prospect is, all this guy can say is;

“Can I be honest with you? I don’t care.”

This scumbag strolls in shakes my prospect’s hand and says;

“Can I be honest with you? It is going to be great to have you as a CPT client. Thank you.”

Then this guy places an expansive looking gold Cross pen on the purchase contract, hands it to my prospect with the pen slowly rolling off. The prospect, whom I have spent a month trying to close, grabs the pen before it falls off and signs the fricking $500,000 contract.

We walk back to the car and I am totally speechless. This guy just says;

“Let’s go to the bar at my hotel, you’re buying.”

That guy is like the stars of “House of Lies."

P.S. My commission on this sale, which I remember as being about $20,000, got dragged out for so long, I had to leave for New York my new job as a bond broker, so I didn’t see a dime. (Both the independent office I worked for in Santa Barbara and CPT were already headed for bankruptcy)

In the meantime, I refused a job offer from two computer science majors I knew from UC Santa Barbara who were starting a business software company in Ojai/Oxnard. Why? Because, even though they offered me a 25% percent of the company, it would have entailed me going back to work as a waiter for three months until the money came in.

Ten years later, they sold to Microsoft and they both live on estates in Hope Ranch in Santa Barbara.

Oh well.

They don't have a gorgeous golden-doodle named Wally wearing a bow tie who is lying on their feet snoring like a drunken sailor. 

Yes, I bought Wally a bow tie.