Friday, February 17, 2012

Beverley is like an older Lily, except she cries a lot more than Lily. What? This is only slightly racist.

That’s is funkier than a funky-thang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

As gorgeous as she is, it could be tough dating Taylor Swift. Like when she writes a hit song titled; “He didn’t leave the toilet seat down.”

Despite not doing well in the primaries, Newt Gingrich continues to run; is it just me, or does Newt look like that fat, smelly kid in second grade who ate all of his Elmer’s glue?

Rick Santorum is staunchly against gay marriage. Which is ironic because Santorum looks like the high school art teacher who married the women’s softball coach to try and kill all their gay rumors.

Kim Kardashian told “Allure” magazine that there will be no cameras at her next wedding; hard to believe from a family that would sell the pictures of Bruce Jenner’s colonoscopy exam.

A 57-year-old Florida man is in a hospital with serious injuries from his electric cigarette blowing up in his mouth; “This is the worst thing I’ve ever heard,” said everybody but cigarette smokers.

New York Knick phenomenon, Jeremy Lin, has led the Knicks to 7 wins in a row and created a craze called Linsanity. Don’t confuse Linsanity with Mitt-mania. That is a phenomenon caused by not scoring in the primaries.

Since you asked:

Before Jeremy Lin lit up his team with 38 points, LA Laker, Kobe Bryant, said he had never heard of Lin. And you can’t blame Kobe, all of those Harvard graduate NBA players look the same.

One of the best aspects of Linsanity is you can practically smell the burning jealousy coming off of the NBA coddled superstars. (Cough, Kobe, ahem, LeBron)

I’m a sports guy. Love sports. Not a statistics fanatic. But I love sports. And most of my friends are like me. Cannot think of one person I know who has watched an entire NBA game in five years.

NFL? Love it. MLB? Mostly a Cubs fan, but I like the Padres. US Women and men’s soccer? A convert. NHL? Loved those specials on HBO following the Rangers and Flyers. Can watch the Stanley Cup games. PGA? Big fan.

NASCAR? Not interested.

Cannot believe the NBA has fallen in my book to the depth of NASCAR. And for a lot of the same reason . Both have sort of dissolved into a few egomaniac millionaire’s private, well, rhymes with bircle-serk.

And we are not alone. Thanks to Jeremy Lin, this is the first time we are even talking about the NBA.

In Versus Out.

IN?, “The Voice.” OUT? “American Idol.”

IN? Jeremy Lin. OUT? Kobe Bryant.

IN? “Modern Family.” OUT? “Happy Endings” if it keeps jumping the shark.

IN? Phil Mickelson. OUT, OUT, OUT? Tiger Woods. (But he’ll be back)

IN? Navy Seals. OUT? Green screen, CGI fight scenes.

IN? None of the candidates. OUT? Newt.

IN? Local and sustainable. OUT? Battered and deep-fried.

IN? Organic wine. OUT? Recreational drugs.

IN? Despising the Kardashians. OUT? Simply annoyed by the Kardashians.

IN? Nerds. OUT? Thugs.

IN? Brad Pitt OUT? Branjelina.

IN? Core workouts outdoors. OUT? Expensive gyms.

IN? Paying attention to popular trends by someone who knows what they’re taking about. OUT? Listening to me.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

He's fine now, but in Las Vegas, a man eating at the Heart Attack Grill had a heart attack. And, trust me, you don't want to know what happened to the woman eating at Jack in the Box.

Oh, snap ditty, got a hold of that one and sent her yaaaaaaaaaard.

Hollah to a ballah, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Grammys were amazing. Great job hosting by LL Cool J. He also won that new Grammy award: Person the least like Mitt Romney.

How about that amazing performance at the Grammys by the Foo Fighters? I like the Foo Fighters, they fight more Foo before 9:00 am than most people fight all day.

How about Taylor Swift at the Grammys? As gorgeous as she is, it would be tough to be her boyfriend. Every time you mess up, it gets turned into a hit song. Introducing Taylor’s latest hit: “That Idiot Took Me To Olive Garden For Valentines Day.”

How about Taylor Swift at the Grammys? As gorgeous as she is, it would be tough to be her boyfriend. Every time you mess up, it gets turned into a hit song. “Gosh, sorry, Taylor. I swear that’s never happened. Hey, what are you writing down?”

Have you seen those commercials for Disney Cruises? That is a dream vacation: all of the threat of capsizing and food poisoning combined with screaming brats.

How about that amazing performance at the Grammys by the Foo Fighters? You know who isn’t a big fan of the Foo Fighters? Mr. T. He pities the Foo.

How about Taylor Swift at the Grammys? As gorgeous as she is, it would be tough to be her boyfriend. Every time you mess up, it gets turned into a hit song. Introducing Taylor’s latest hit: “Last night he farted so loud it woke up the dog.”

Adele won six Grammys. Adele won a Grammy for best Grammy.

A North Carolina man upset with a rude Facebook post by his teenage daughter, filmed himself shooting her laptop nine times with a pistol. That is too much. Now shooting someone’s cell phone nine times when they’re on it while driving? Fine.

In New York it is Fashion Week along with the Westminster Dog Show. So tourists, please do not attempt to pet the angry-looking bitches. They will bite.

Harvard graduate, Jeremy Lin, has led the New York Knicks to five victories. The 6ft 3 Asian-American Lin does not look like a typical NBA player. In fact, he looks more like the guy NBA players used to cheat off of in math class.

Since you asked:

For Valentimes day (what I called it as a kid) made my New Year’s Eve special filet mignon topped with crab and drizzled with Hollandaise sauce. Awesome. This time I added grilled asparagus. AC and Virg love my grilled asparagus or they wouldn’t put up with me yelling “AsparaGoooooooooooooose” twenty times while I make it.

Boil asparagus just long enough to see a little green in the water. Two, three minutes. They are just a tad soft. Then blanch them in ice water.

Drizzle with EVOO and sprinkle with sea salt. Grill on a hot grill just to see grill marks.

Valentines Day is to holidays what rotating your tires is to driving.

We have the world's only tap dancing dog.

When Mister Wrigley gets excited, his tail twirls like a helicopter propellor and he dances from one front paw to the other. When he does that, his little toenails tap on the hardwood floor and I swear it sounds like he is tap dancing.

Every day at exactly 2:00 pm, Wrigley stands up and stares at me announcing it is time for his afternoon nap. He then trots me over to the laundry room and out to the garage where he won't go into his bed until I give him a treat.

Yep, he has his dad trained pretty good.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Beware of the Doghouse- Hilarious!

This is not his nibs, Wrigley T, but it looks like him

Wrigley T. is the world’s first adorkable doggie, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

After the Pentagon announced plans to allow women closer to combat, Rick Santorum expressed doubts about women’s abilities in combat. Spoken like a man who has never been to a women’s shoe sale.

What was with all the people passing out, falling off the stage and throwing up on “American Idol”? It’s like they were channeling for Paula Abdul.

Shippensberg College in Pennsylvania installed a vending machine that dispenses the morning-after pill. As opposed to USC who’s cafeterias serve morning after pill omelets and waffles.

Louis Vuitton has made a $68 designer condom. It is designed specifically to keep pretentious idiots from reproducing.

Paired-up and tied in the final round of the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am, Phil Mickelson won and beat Tiger Woods by 11 strokes. That officially crosses the line from golf win to righteous beat-down.

At the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am, Phil Mickelson won and beat Tiger Woods by 11 strokes. It was a bad day for Tiger. Later, his waitress at Hooters forgot his chicken wings order and would not give Tiger her phone number.

Boxer Floyd Mayweather tweeted that the reason Jeremy Lin, who has led the New York Knicks to five wins including 38 points against the Lakers, is getting attention is because he is Asian-American. Proving what we have long suspected, Floyd was a moron before he started receiving severe blows to the head.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

'Dat mo' bettah, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Was watching the Pebble Beach Pro Am and those AT&T 4G LTE commercials. Anyone else tired of those smug “That was so 14 seconds ago” guys? Because it is so important they get that picture of themselves drunk holding a red plastic cup that will ruin their job future on Facebook 12 seconds sooner.

"Hey, did you hear that people who say "That is so 12 seconds ago" are douche-bags?"

"That is so 12 seconds . . . hey."

Among the golfers at the Pebble Beach Pro Am were Charlie Wi, John Huh, Kevin Na and Mike Weir who would make a great “Who’s on first?” routine. “So who is on the first hole?” “Weir”. “We are?” “Nah.” “Kevin Na?” “Who’s we?” “Charlie Wi” “Huh? “John Huh?”

Re: the bitch-slapping, dough-pop issued by Phil to Tiger at Pebble. To be candid, it wasn't as much fun as I thought it would be. As much as we now know Tiger's personality and character are wanting, he is a great golfer.

It would have been more fun to see him playing better.