Saturday, April 09, 2011

Free Hugs in Sondrio, Italy

Big deal? They've been giving out free hugs in Times Square forever. Well, free once you subtract the hooker's fee and $50 for a shot of penicillin . . .

Friday, April 08, 2011

So good. So hot. So unfair.

We gotta to do’r to her, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A Southwest flight had to make an emergency landing in Yuma, Arizona after part of the roof came off. The crew and passengers were upset and shaken up, but you would be too if you had to go to Yuma.

Glenn Beck is leaving Fox News. He wants to spend more time with his Hitler Youth Troop.

Is it just me, or does Glenn Beck look like the guy who spends an inordinate amount of time naked in the gym’s men’s locker room?

Is it just me, or does Glenn Beck look like the guy who tells you which team you should have bet on after the game is over?

A Southwest flight had to make an emergency landing in Yuma, Arizona after part of the roof came off.. The crew had to scramble in order to charge the passengers for extra headroom.

Glenn Beck is leaving Fox News. Is it just me, or does Glenn Beck look like the guy who brags about his success at the 20-year-high school reunion, but all you can think of is he was the dork who got hung by his underwear in his locker by the jocks?

The Masters golf tournament is this weekend. Tiger Woods is getting his A game ready. He has moved up from hitting on waitresses at Dennys to hitting on waitresses at Hooters.

Congress continues to negotiate to avoid a total government shutdown this weekend. Oh my word, do you know what a total government shut down means? No, seriously, with the post office, police, military and all public services still running, does anyone know what this means?

Since you asked:
Bummed, bummed, I tell you. So bummed the awesome Pia Toscano was voted off “American Idol.” Scorching hot, funny, talented. So few of us.

“Idol” has got to figure out a way to solve the ‘Tween girlie voting factor. Semi-cute guys who can’t sing voted back and scorching hot women who can sing are voted off. Killing the show.

Was a big fan of the "Idol" this year, but now I am done.

Don't know why I thought of this:

Driving Ann Caroline to pre-school when I noticed she was very quiet. Looked in the rear view mirror to see a look of intense concentration on her little face. Eyebrows furrowed, gaze lost and locked. So I said;

"Ann Caroline, what are you thinking about?"

She snapped out of her stupor and said;


Thursday, April 07, 2011

This plus

Equals this

Tina Fey is pregnant again. Gosh, I sure hope this doesn't hurt her chances to run for president.

Since you asked:
The fact that Ian Poulter would tell the press he doesn’t think Tiger Woods will finish in the top five at the Masters speaks volumes about how far Tiger has fallen.

Among his many personality flaws, Tiger, when he was on top, was very vindictive. If he perceived anyone slighting him in any way, he would, like Michael Jordan, use his considerable skills on the golf course and his considerable influence off the course to make their lives miserable.

Just ask Phil Mickelson.

For Poulter to say Tiger is out of the running means that Tiger’s game is so far off, he will finish way out of the running, not just out of the top five, and that Tiger no longer has the power off the course to hurt the countless people on the tour who now so clearly despise him.

When I saw Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer and Gary Player together on the Par 3, it hit me that Tiger will never be where they are at that age. Tiger doesn’t have near enough class to last. You know the expression you can't keep a good man down? Well you also can't keep a bad man up.

In the words of the great Dan Jenkins, to coin a Southern expression, Tiger Woods really is graveyard dead.

On Facebook, I have a friend - and by friend I mean someone I have not talked to in 30 years - whom I have quickly discovered is barking mad. Not quirky, not odd, not eccentric, not new-age-y, we're talking full-blown insane. Apparently she has a lot of money. It takes a lot of money to go really crazy, ala Michael Jackson and Howard Hughes.

She flies to remote areas of the globe where all of her fellow converge to vent their insanity and then she posts the pictures on her facebook page.

But then, who doesn't fly to Bali to receive a volcanic ash rectal cleanse?

no crying in baseball

Anyone ever tell you you look like a penis with a little hat on?

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

We ain’t had no good coffee in here since Idella passed, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Robert Redford threw out the first pitch at opening day at Wrigley Field; there was an awkward moment when a batter ran up to the plate and hit the ball into the lights destroying the lights causing a cascading shower of sparkles.

On Fox News, Sarah Plain said we’re in a squirmish with Libya. Oh no, do you know what this means? Sarah Palin is having an affair with George W. Bush.

Charlie Sheen’s one-man show received a standing ovation in Chicago after being roundly booed in Detroit. It helped Sheen’s chances when, before the show, he handed out little white powder baggies Charlie called; “Duh. Winning” packets.

The New York Mets are in financial trouble due to connections with Bernie Madoff. And I think it’s true, the Mets’ opening day first pitch was replaced by a sales pitch for Amway products.

The New York Mets are in financial trouble due to connections with Bernie Madoff. The Mets are in so much financial trouble they have a deal with the Times Square hookers called the Mets special: for an extra $100 they’ll scratch your crotch for you.

A Southwest flight out of Phoenix had to make an emergency landing in Yuma after part of the roof flew off. The flight crew had to respond quickly and charge the passengers a special fresh air fee.

The pilots were so shocked they dropped their tequila shots.

Since you asked:

Saw the “Biography” special on “Guns ‘N Roses.” Interesting. Great musicians and song writers and Slash and Axel Rose were amazing live performers. Made the Eagles in concert look like a wax museum.

Another interesting fact to emerge was that, once you exclude serial killers and tyrant mass murderers and billion dollar thieves, like Hitler, Stalin and Bernie Madoff, Axel Rose may have been the biggest A-hole to ever live. Period. His ego, excesses and rude behavior made Glenn Frey look like Gandhi.

Who in the world thinks it is their place to keep their band, crew, management and 40,000 paid fans waiting for four hours? Wow, now that is a tool.

Like Tom Petty said repeatedly in the TPATHB’s documentary “Running Down a Dream” there is no manual for rock and roll crazy success. This was reiterated by GNR bass player Duff McKagen, a real bright and articulate guy.

One day GNR is hitchhiking from Los Angeles to a gig in a tiny bar in Seattle, where the crowd was so unhappy with their set, the bar owner refused to pay them. Seemingly the next day they are on a private commercial airliner with Axel’s massage therapist, voice therapist, personal trainer, chef and analyst on board.

There are basically two stories in all of rock and roll. The first is starving punks in band get lucky break, work hard in the studio, get along, hit the road, develop bad habits that turn into full blown addictions, start infighting, break up and go broke.


Starving punks in bands get lucky break, work hard in the studio, hit the road, develop bad habits that turn into full blown addictions, start infighting, break up, get clean and then get back together and get the real money.

The real secret for success for these bands seem to be the undying love of their fans. Once a 17-25-year-old, man or woman, falls in love with a band, there is nothing they won’t do for that band. More importantly, no amount of coin they won’t spend.

In addition to many radio-friendly hits, Guns N’ Roses had a psycho/obsessed core fan base like Metallica and Motley Crux. As huge as their stratospheric success was, the Eagles and Aerosmith never had that much of a giant cult following nor generated that kind of insane undying get-the-band's-symbol-tattooed-on-your-ass loyalty.

Axel Rose – as did Kurt Cobain and Jim Morrison before him – had to really go out of his way to slaughter and re-slaughter the goose that laid so many golden eggs.

And he did. What a douche.

But at least his dred-lock hair plugs and multiple face lifts look good.

Monday, April 04, 2011

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Nice brim, Dude, you be stylin'

This right here how you get it done, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Space Shuttle Endeavour will go on permanent display at USC. Students can’t wait to have sex on top of it.

Snooki says she hates how scenes of “Jersey Shore” make her look like an idiot. Uh, Snooki, darling, they don’t make you look like an idiot, they reveal that you are an idiot.

Due to their owner's close connection with Bernie Madoff, the New York Mets and Fred Wilpon are in bad financial shape. The opening pitch will be replaced by a pitch from an Amway salesman.

Since you asked:
Got to admit, the New York Mets financial woes are giving me a serious case of Schadenfreude. The Mets’ sleazebag owner, Fred Wilpon, supposedly worked with and profited with Bernie Madoff and, as a result, could get sued by the Madoff victims for one billion. This scum-nozzle didn’t just invest with and recruit clients for Madoff, he profited from giving Madoff those assets. In other words, Wilpon is in the same sleaze league as Bernie Madoff, and that is saying a lot.

From the very start, the Mets have reeked of a classless organization from their origins at the expense of the fans of the Brooklyn Dodgers who got screwed by - not Dodgers owner, Walter O’Malley - but egomaniacal New York building supervisor and mob- whore, Robert Moses.

Two of the biggest a-holes I have ever met were Mets legends Rusty Staub and world class-douche bag, Ron Darling. What tools. And look what classy role models Mets stars Doc Gooden and Darryl Strawberry turned out to be.

That and a die-hard Met fan I had the misfortune to know on Wall Street, who tried to get me fired, was so ugly in mind, spirit and body and so obnoxious about the Mets, the mere thought of the Mets bringing this scary witch joy in any way almost makes me puke.

Shea Stadium was an eyesore before it was falling apart and Flushing Meadows was aptly named before the urban blight.

Throw that in with the ugly orange, a stupid name and the fact that many, many of their fans - not all, especially any “AlBb” readers, like Jooch - are fat, ugly, loud and obnoxious bad sports. Red Sox fans will have you believe Yankee fans are also like that, but in my experience, Yankee fans are like golf or polo fans compared to the crassness and all-around vulgarity of Mets fans.

Plus there is the little fact of what the dog-ass Mets did to my beloved Cubbies in 1969. No, Mets fans have all the obnoxious loud and ugly brashness if New York Jets fans, but without the fun-loving sense of humor.