Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

At a lavish Scottsdale, Arizona celebrity-filled Christmas party,, Snooki was paid $16,500 to attend and Bruce Jenner was paid $15,000. One is an oddly colored, weird-looking annoying leech, and, well, so is the other one.

Since you asked;

It is a regular Christmas miracle. The Lexter dexter wreckster heckser is all down and done with all things Christmas. All time great tree, big presents, small presents, stocking stuffers. Got C-blocked by the rain so I didn't get as elaborate with the lights this year, but the front of the house looks tasteful and festive.

After much or no thought, I am dubbing today's Lakers-Cavaliers Holiday Hoop tilt: the Wife Cheater Vs. the Home Town Retreat'r.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

This just in:

In sad news, soccer star Landon Donovan has filed for divorce from his actress wife, Bianca Kajlich. They cited irreconcilable differences and the fact that Landon can’t use his hands.

Repeal of "DADT" already impacting the military. Drill sergeants new call during a march:

"I don't know, but I've been told that window treatment's fiercely bold."

The Betty Ford staff member who confronted Lindsay Lohan after a late night of drinking was fired. Fired for what? Killing Lindsay's buzz? Aren't the staff member of the Betty Ford Clinic supposed to oppose bar hopping all night?

WNBA star, Diana Taurasi, tested positive for a banned supplement. That is so shocking. The WNBA still exists?

Ho, ho, ho

Jolly my butt, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

To give you an idea how much rain we have in California, today thirty illegal immigrants accidentally washed back to Mexico.

It is officially wetter in Los Angeles than John Boehner’s hanky after watching “Old Yeller.”

It is so wet in L.A., Lady Gaga wore a dress made out of buoys.

It is so wet, Beverly Hills women are getting Botox injected into their pruny finger tips.

In Los Angeles the freeways are so slick and treacherous, drivers aren’t sending text messages so they can concentrate on loading their guns.

It is so wet in Los Angeles, gang members are exchanging their automatic rifles with spear guns.

It is so wet in Sacramento, Arnold Schwarzenegger learned how to pronounce amphibious.

It is so wet in Los Angeles, Angelina Jolie had her lips declared as a floatation device.

It is so wet in LA, the hookers on Santa Monica Blvd are charging $100 for a blow-dry job. reports New York Jets coach Rex Ryan’s wife, Michelle, appears in a foot fetish video. This helps explain why the controversial Ryan is always putting his foot in his mouth.

And here I thought football was a game of inches, it turns out to be a game of feet.

Another serious injury has set back the “Spiderman” Broadway musical. In fact the production is so expensive and has been such a disaster they’re thinking of calling it the New York Giants.

I’m worried about this text message I got from a friend. It said; “Hey, Lex, text-messaging while driving on the wet freeway isn’t as dangerous as they ”

Since you asked:
One of the fascinating aspects of creating monologues is choosing the topic. Choosing jokes topics is tricky business, especially these days when taking offense to anything seems to be some people’s priority.

Political jokes are tricky at a time when even regular republicans can’t get along with tea party republicans. While I admire politically out comedians like Bill Maher and Jon Stewart, I would rather not wear my politics on my sleeve. Unlike them, I’m not funny enough to kill 50% of a potential audience.

Writing the cleverest joke in the world about some obscure congressional committee’s vote doesn’t matter if people don’t care about it. When a joke begins “Today Barack Obama met with a special subcommittee of …” You can practically feel people sighing with disinterest.

In comedy, disinterested sighing is tough to follow.

But start a joke with “A man in Australia married his Labrador retriever named Honey” and you can feel people perk up. It’s not that average folks are not smart or not informed. But if you are out of a job all day or working hard all day for less money, how much do you want to hear about that at night when you’re trying to relax and laugh?

One thing that couldn’t happen before the Internet was our being able to follow stories the mainstream news companies missed. When it was just the big three, CBS, ABC and NBC reporting the news, we got what they gave us and that was it. Often their news editors were elitist and snotty about their higher calling of journalism and shoved stories down our throats we didn’t care about.

Believe me, editors can be snotty and humorless. One summer I got to write a Friday sports joke column for the second biggest paper in San Diego (which is like being the second best player on the Clippers, no offense to the fine "San Diego Union Tribune", but there was quite a drop down to #2)) This despite the strong objections of a news editor who felt comedy was beneath the dignity of a noble newspaper.

The column did better and better and got more and more readers and fan mail. The sports editor said he thought there was enough interest from other papers there was a chance, down the road, we could try to get it syndicated. That would have meant actual income instead of chump change.

Just when I thought it was going great, the sports editor called me and said;

"Look, I am sorry we are going to have to stop the column. It is funny and people like it, I just am sick of fighting this news editor over it."

Now we have YouTube and Google and countless other outlets to read and see the topics we really are interested in. That is great news for comedy writers. Sometimes people don’t want to hear a lengthy diatribe about the unemployment statistics. Sometimes they want to see a cat playing the piano.

Again, that is not because people aren’t smart, they are. In fact, people know more about what they want than a lot of allegedly smart arrogant news editors and TV producers who are growing increasingly out of touch from their audience. It happens. As a musician, Sting had all the talent in the world, but when he started writing songs about tantric sex and being on his private Mediterranean island, he lost most of us.

Conan O'Brien went out on the road and did shows. Guess what? He came back funnier than ever and sharper than ever.

Picking a joke’s topic requires water cooler savvy. What are normal folks talking about during breaks at work? What are normal folks talking about at cocktail and dinner parties? But if the topic that is trending the most is a tragedy or a death, obviously, in most cases, you can’t write joke about it.

There are some big shot joke writers out there who might have lost that gift of knowing what average folks want to hear joked about.

Clearly my bank account and lack of celebrity will attest that I am not the greatest comedy writer who ever lived, but I think I am good. But what I do feel I am really good at is having a sense of what regular folks want to hear joked about and what they don’t. Yes, taste-wise sometimes I push it, but I think that is required. And yes, my interests seem to lead to sports and some politics.

There is no better feeling in stand up comedy than getting a good laugh from a joke’s set up. You can just feel yourself thinking, “Oh, you thought that was funny? Well it’s coming now.” It must be like how a pitcher feels when a batter misses late on his cut fastball.

Like I admitted, I am not the greatest comedy writer in the world. But the greatest comedy writer in the world could not write a funny joke about a life insurance company quarterly earnings report. A good joke about an interesting topic is better than a great joke about something nobody knows nor cares about.

Take the rain in Southern California. That is a great topic. There are so many celebrities in California to goof on by simply adding lots of water. For example:

It rained so much in California, at the Betty Ford Center, some water actually got into Lindsay Lohan’s Bourbon and water.

Practically writes itself.

Californians want to joke about the rain because they experienced it and the rest of the country wants to laugh at California for finally getting something resembling winter weather.

I counted three talk shows with a joke about Charlie Sheen locking a mermaid in his bathroom.

That is why I thought the New York Jets Rex Ryan foot fetish video was such a slam dunk. The only person in the country who doesn’t think that’s funny is Rex Ryan. And maybe his wife. But neither of the holy triumvirate of Letterman, Leno nor O’Brien did anything on it last night.

Here are the topics I think folks want to hear about now:

Bad weather, especially in California.

Christmas related jokes.

A couple, but not too many, jokes about the tough economy.

The repeal of “Don’t ask, don’t tell.”

And Rex Ryan putting a foot fetish video of his wife on the Internet.

But what the hell do I know?

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

This just in:
To goof on the foot fetish story, a New York Jet prankster snuck a women’s shoe on Rex Ryan’s desk. Rex didn’t think it was funny, he demanded to know who left the sexy but dressy $699 black patent leather Manolo Blahnik Mary Jane-style, strap-with-snap-closure size six with the 8 cm heel with the wonderful whiff of calfskin?

Well, who?

Oh baby, gives me somes of that

Against dah Bears, dah Jets will get a taste of dah feet, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Instead of figuring out all by himself who was naughty or nice, this year Santa Claus just asked Paris Hilton’s urologist.

We have had a lot of rain. In fact, it rained so much in West Hollywood, a straight man was washed into a movie theater showing “Burlesque.” It has rained so much, Charlie Sheen paid $13,000 for a mermaid to come to his hotel suite.

Kansas City QB, Matt Cassel led his team to a 27-13 victory over the St. Louis Rams just 11 days after having emergency appendectomy surgery. When informed Cassel had his organ taken out, Brett Favre asked; “Did he take a picture of it?”

An English security company has made an alarm using compressed air to blow into those long soccer horn vuvuzelas. They way it works is, in a manner of seconds, the thieves are annoyed to death.

In the Chicago Bear’s 40-14 win over the Minnesota Vikings, Brett Favre was knocked out of the game with a concussion. Favre was so loopy he announced he has retired from the Green Bay Packers.

Female boxer, Christy Martin’s home was burglarized as she lay in a hospital bed after suffering gunshot wounds from her estranged much-older husband. On the bright side, Martin was named “Person of the Year” by “White Trash” magazine.

Skier Lindsey Vonn was named female athlete of the year; of course the leading female money winner was Tiger Woods’s ex, Elin Nordegren.

It is that magical time of year where we gather with loved ones and realize the song “We are the World” was a blatant rip-off of the Christmas carol “Do you hear what I hear?”

A world wide test revealed US teenagers ranked 25th out of the 34 countries tested in arithmetic. Asked to comment, one teenager said; “If there is one thing I hate it is dumb people and tests.”

It is so wet in Los Angeles the Clippers game turned into a water polo loss.

Sung to the tune of “Do you hear what I hear?”

Miley Cyrus smoked a bong.
Do you hear what I hear?
John Mayer has a racist dong.
Do you hear what I hear?
Mel Gibson had an angry rant
Do you hear what I hear?
Charlie Sheen forgot his pants. 

Since you asked:

Man, am I having a lot of fun with the New York Jets coach, Rex Ryan’s and his wife’s foot fetish video. Their next opponent, Chicago are saying dah Bears will give dah Jets a taste of dah feet. Football isn’t a game of inches, it’s a game of feet.

Turns out in HBO’s “Hard Knocks” Ryan didn’t say; “Let go get a god damn snack.” He really said “Let’s go sniff a god damn sock.” This explains why Ryan was treated with athlete’s nose. The Jets are in the heels of another controversy. L.T. now stands for Licking Toes. Talk about agony of dah feet.

This could go on forever.

As a child, one of my most famous family stories was my aversion to feet. My parents and brother were strictly forbidden to enter my room in bare feet or even socks. Shoes were required. My parents used to say I had a foot phobia, but that isn’t exactly right. Feet didn’t scare me, they disgusted me. Like that unconscious shudder you get when you see a dead rat.

If my dad was feeling feisty after a couple of martinis, for fun he would inform me that, the night before, he had danced barefooted on my pillow. Why the sight of his beloved youngest son retching made him laugh, I will never know.

In Sunday school I very nearly threw up when they told the biblical story about somebody washing Jesus’s feet. Even Christ our Lord didn’t get a pass.

When it comes to women’s feet, the closest I can get to being attracted to even a pretty foot is not being disgusted by the foot. Don’t get me wrong, I love the look of a woman wearing high sexy heels, but part of that is I like the fact the shoe covers up the foot.

To this day I can picture our first high school track party and a drunk fellow track member on the floor sucking pretty track timer, Becky Prince’s toes. Now I had a serious crush on Becky Prince, she had amazing legs, but the sight of someone sucking on someone’s toes put me off my warm can of Schlitz.

Statistically I have a better chance of having sex with all of the Chargers cheerleaders than I do of ever sucking on a toe. The concept of being sexually aroused by a foot is far, far beyond my comprehension. It would make more sense to me to be sexually aroused by a garbage can.

So Rex Ryan’s and his wife’s foot fetish video is even more fascinating to me than it probably is to most people. Kind of brings a new and disgusting meaning to football.

Let’s review: In HBO’s “Hard Knocks” Jets coach Rex Ryan stirs controversy with his obscene rants and cornerback, Antonio Cromartie, forgets the names of some of his nine kids. Then Jets players are accused of sexually harassing a hot Mexican sports reporter; a Jets coach trips another player in a game and now coach Rex Ryan and his wife, Michelle, are in a foot fetish video.

This isn’t a football team, it is a drama cable show on AMC: “Breaking Really Bad.”

Explains why, when you mix up the letters in New York Jets, it gives the anagram: Jerk nets Yow.

Dear Really Stupid Celebrities:

If you record yourself having sex - or sex text someone - it will go viral on the Internet. And even if that is your plan to get famous, ala Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, you will never ever be remembered for anything else. Even if, like Brett Favre, you've been a pro bowl level quarterback forever or if you discover the cure for cancer, you will be remembered as the idiot in the sex tape or picture.

Now, if I were Rex Ryan? I would try and laugh it off. Say it was just a joke for giggles, you're not really in to feet, even though your wife has (cough) pretty feet, it was just meant as a goof between a couple that has been married for 23-years.

Then and only then, after a Super Bowl win or two, will this one go away.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaal, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It is so wet in Los Angeles, a wave washed a straight guy into a movie theater playing “Black Swan.”

It is so wet in Los Angeles, Lady Gaga wore a dress made out of salmon.

Kansas City QB, Matt Cassel led his team to a 27-13 victory over the St. Louis Rams just 11 days after having emergency appendectomy surgery. When informed Cassel had his organ taken out, Brett Favre asked; “Did he take a picture of it?”

A Toronto couple is asking their facebook friends to name their baby daughter. So congratulations to little Miss ROTFLMAO.

Plans for Prince Edwards wedding to Kate Middleton are underway; no word yet on who is going to be the cute little flower girl, but the cute little ring bearer is French President Nicolas Sarkozy.

They believe they may have found the remains of aviator Amelia Earhart. She was attempting to fly around the world when she went missing on July 2, 1937. They noticed Amelia was missing when she failed to show up for her interview with Larry King.

The Senate voted to repeal “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” Gays in the military are as happy as when they change from those frumpy so-last-never camouflage fatigues to those timeless, snappy and smart dress khakis.

In the aftermath of a New York Jets coach tripping a Miami Dolphin, the NFL has ruled each team has to have a “get back” coach. If the San Francisco 49ers were smart, they would also have a “get back to the Eighties” coach.

The Senate voted to repeal “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” Gays in the military are so happy, I mean the repeal of “Don’t ask, don’t tell” and the upcoming Prince Edward-Kate Middleton wedding? Are you kidding?

The Philadelphia Eagles scored three touchdowns in seven minutes to defeat the New York Giants 38-31with no time left. Even though behind at half by 21 points, for some reason, it upsets Michael Vick to be called an underdog.

Did you see Giants coach, Tom Coughlin, screaming at his punter, Matt Dodge, after the Eagles game-winning punt return? There hasn’t been yelling like that since a porn star tried to steal Charlie Sheen’s watch.

Something tells me, soon by the meadowlands in New Jersey, there will be a used Dodge Punter for sale.

A group of TSA workers at LAX have formed a Christmas choir; well, if they can’t buy us dinner before they fondle us, at least singing is something.

Guys, after you put your clothes on after a thorough search, they bust out with; “Don we now our gay apparel.”

Since you asked:

Maybe I’m just a cranky guy, but I think Miley Cyrus better make hay while her sun is still shining. Her increasingly stupid acts and statements – including allowing herself to be photographed sucking on a bong – and her increasingly round and moony face and her grating over-acting and aww-shucks hillbilly accent are getting older than Brett Favre’s retirements.

One thing I have learned is the harsher and angrier the comedy critic, the more a sense of humor is wanting.

People who are funny or enjoy comedy, and understand comedy, like my awesome Slats and Nuggs, know that some jokes just don’t work for them. That doesn’t mean somebody else doesn’t think its funny, it just doesn’t happen to amuse them at the time. But they don't get angry.

Take Will Ferrell. Nobody needs to tell me how funny and rich and successful Will is. For whatever reason, Will just doesn’t strike me as real funny. As a result, I am willing to acknowledge and accept this is a flaw of mine, not his. (Some of his stuff on “SNL” was genius, I just don’t laugh much at it)

Where as Vince Vaughn does the same type of smug, smart-ass frat boy character, and he kills me.

But people who have missed out on the joy and happiness that is a good sense of humor get angry about it. So when they fail to see the humor in something - and they usually don't - it hits a lifelong nerve of the cool kids laughing without them.

And they feel compelled to express that anger. One unemployed allegedly former literary editor took the time and trouble to write me a lengthy e-mail on how he was a writing expert and that I should never attempt to create comedy again. Gosh, what a nice person going to all that trouble to counsel me as I am sure he did not intend to hurt my feelings. His detailed descriptions of my lack of comedic talent and general stupidity were, I am sure, aimed at helping me. 

Sarcasm aside, who gets angry at someone who is trying to make them laugh? That is one bitter and sad person. But to go the next extreme to express it in a venomous letter is particularly vindictive and small-minded.

But it still pisses me off, like it did when I got 400 hate e-mails from the French and French Canadians. (Like the one I got when I wrote the above Sarkozy joke) As I have said many times, I get that comedy is like baseball: hit .300 and you’re in the Hall.

But who boos a .300 hitter when they pop up? Well, besides Philadelphia Phillies fans.

However, nothing warms the cockles of a comedy writer’s heart than writing a joke about people being humorless and bitter than having them respond by, A, not understanding the joke and, B, being angered by it to the point they, C, write a bitter e-mail. It confirms the premise of the joke in the first place.

So keep those love letter coming, Pierre. And I will keep writing jokes about the French.

Monday, December 20, 2010

‘Tis the season they best not get in my biz, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Kids in Los Angeles are so jaded. I was trying to explain to a neighbor’s son about the whole Virgin Mary, baby Jesus thing, and he said; “So Joseph lied about getting a vasectomy.”

I had a terrible experience last night. You know I flew last weekend? Late last night, I got a drunk- dial from my airport TSA agent asking for a booty call.

I tell ya, holiday shopping is rough, yesterday I went to a Macys department store and, before I could get on the elevator, I was groped by a TSA agent.

The Golden Globe nominations are out, “Black Swan” and “Burlesque” were nominated. And that’s just in the category of Gay Movies Starting with B.

The Golden Globe nominations are out, “Black Swan” and “Burlesque” were nominated. Some critics believe that “Black Swan” and “Burlesque: may be the greatest gay movies starting in B since “Brokeback Mountain.”

Did you know “Black Swan” was filmed on a tight budget? “Black Swan” was so low-budget they couldn’t afford to call it “African American Swan.”

Convicted dog-fighter QB Michael Vick told “” he hopes the courts will allow him to own a dog soon. Tell that to Fido the next time he chews your slippers.

In Florida, a high school basketball player attacked a referee. The bad news is the player is suspended. The good news is that anyone with judgment that bad on a basketball court has a future as an L.A. Clipper.

Can you believe the bad weather across the country? Hey, we’re feeling it in California too. Last night, it got so cold, I had to turn my ceiling fan off.

People are still talking about the weepy John Boehner interview on “Sixty Minutes.” At one point, Boehner is crying so hard, you can see the orange spray tan stains on his shirt collar.

The FBI is offering $20,000 reward for information that captures the San Diego “Geezer Bandit.” The Geezer bandit is an old man who has robbed 12 banks. The FBI only has one condition: folks, please stop turning in Larry King. It’s not funny anymore.

Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg is Time’s Man of the Year. I got snubbed again. I was somewhere between Charlie Sheen’s life coach and the guy who spray tans John Boehner.

Ukraine is opening the nuclear-meltdown plant, Chernobyl, as a tourist attraction. The locals are excited, they exchanged high-sixes.

Denise Richards, Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife, is dating Motley Crue’s Nikki Sixx, a former heroin addict who’s been married to two “Playboy” models. Gosh, what could go wrong there?

Since you asked:

So they called them gypsies, tramps and thieves. Big deal. Cher admits at night the men came around and lay their money down. They could have called them gypsies, whores and thieves.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

It was December, 23rd, 2003 and I had the flu. Bad. Normally we didn’t leave the TV on during dinner, but I overruled that because I wanted to take my mind off how miserable I was and try and keep down the chicken soup I was eating.

It was “Monday Night Football” Green Bay versus the Oakland Raiders and Brett Favre’s dad had passed away the day before. Green Bay receiver after receiver made circus catch after circus catch playing their lives out for Favre. Ann Caroline was only five, but she was all ears because she was at the age where she was fascinated with death. I was worried she might get upset as they kept talking about Irvin Favre’s passing the day before.

Right then, the announcer, Al Michaels, says;

“As if this situation with Brett’s Dad, Irvin, passing wasn’t bad enough, it happened right before Christmas.”

There was a pause and then Ann Caroline asked me:

“Will the angels make sure Brett’s Favre’s dad gets his presents in heaven?”

Merry Christmas Slats and Nugs.