Oh baby, gives me somes of that

Against dah Bears, dah Jets will get a taste of dah feet, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Instead of figuring out all by himself who was naughty or nice, this year Santa Claus just asked Paris Hilton’s urologist.

We have had a lot of rain. In fact, it rained so much in West Hollywood, a straight man was washed into a movie theater showing “Burlesque.” It has rained so much, Charlie Sheen paid $13,000 for a mermaid to come to his hotel suite.

Kansas City QB, Matt Cassel led his team to a 27-13 victory over the St. Louis Rams just 11 days after having emergency appendectomy surgery. When informed Cassel had his organ taken out, Brett Favre asked; “Did he take a picture of it?”

An English security company has made an alarm using compressed air to blow into those long soccer horn vuvuzelas. They way it works is, in a manner of seconds, the thieves are annoyed to death.

In the Chicago Bear’s 40-14 win over the Minnesota Vikings, Brett Favre was knocked out of the game with a concussion. Favre was so loopy he announced he has retired from the Green Bay Packers.

Female boxer, Christy Martin’s home was burglarized as she lay in a hospital bed after suffering gunshot wounds from her estranged much-older husband. On the bright side, Martin was named “Person of the Year” by “White Trash” magazine.

Skier Lindsey Vonn was named female athlete of the year; of course the leading female money winner was Tiger Woods’s ex, Elin Nordegren.

It is that magical time of year where we gather with loved ones and realize the song “We are the World” was a blatant rip-off of the Christmas carol “Do you hear what I hear?”

A world wide test revealed US teenagers ranked 25th out of the 34 countries tested in arithmetic. Asked to comment, one teenager said; “If there is one thing I hate it is dumb people and tests.”

It is so wet in Los Angeles the Clippers game turned into a water polo loss.

Sung to the tune of “Do you hear what I hear?”

Miley Cyrus smoked a bong.
Do you hear what I hear?
John Mayer has a racist dong.
Do you hear what I hear?
Mel Gibson had an angry rant
Do you hear what I hear?
Charlie Sheen forgot his pants. 



Since you asked:

Man, am I having a lot of fun with the New York Jets coach, Rex Ryan’s and his wife’s foot fetish video. Their next opponent, Chicago are saying dah Bears will give dah Jets a taste of dah feet. Football isn’t a game of inches, it’s a game of feet.

Turns out in HBO’s “Hard Knocks” Ryan didn’t say; “Let go get a god damn snack.” He really said “Let’s go sniff a god damn sock.” This explains why Ryan was treated with athlete’s nose. The Jets are in the heels of another controversy. L.T. now stands for Licking Toes. Talk about agony of dah feet.

This could go on forever.

As a child, one of my most famous family stories was my aversion to feet. My parents and brother were strictly forbidden to enter my room in bare feet or even socks. Shoes were required. My parents used to say I had a foot phobia, but that isn’t exactly right. Feet didn’t scare me, they disgusted me. Like that unconscious shudder you get when you see a dead rat.

If my dad was feeling feisty after a couple of martinis, for fun he would inform me that, the night before, he had danced barefooted on my pillow. Why the sight of his beloved youngest son retching made him laugh, I will never know.

In Sunday school I very nearly threw up when they told the biblical story about somebody washing Jesus’s feet. Even Christ our Lord didn’t get a pass.

When it comes to women’s feet, the closest I can get to being attracted to even a pretty foot is not being disgusted by the foot. Don’t get me wrong, I love the look of a woman wearing high sexy heels, but part of that is I like the fact the shoe covers up the foot.

To this day I can picture our first high school track party and a drunk fellow track member on the floor sucking pretty track timer, Becky Prince’s toes. Now I had a serious crush on Becky Prince, she had amazing legs, but the sight of someone sucking on someone’s toes put me off my warm can of Schlitz.

Statistically I have a better chance of having sex with all of the Chargers cheerleaders than I do of ever sucking on a toe. The concept of being sexually aroused by a foot is far, far beyond my comprehension. It would make more sense to me to be sexually aroused by a garbage can.

So Rex Ryan’s and his wife’s foot fetish video is even more fascinating to me than it probably is to most people. Kind of brings a new and disgusting meaning to football.

Let’s review: In HBO’s “Hard Knocks” Jets coach Rex Ryan stirs controversy with his obscene rants and cornerback, Antonio Cromartie, forgets the names of some of his nine kids. Then Jets players are accused of sexually harassing a hot Mexican sports reporter; a Jets coach trips another player in a game and now coach Rex Ryan and his wife, Michelle, are in a foot fetish video.

This isn’t a football team, it is a drama cable show on AMC: “Breaking Really Bad.”

Explains why, when you mix up the letters in New York Jets, it gives the anagram: Jerk nets Yow.

Dear Really Stupid Celebrities:

If you record yourself having sex - or sex text someone - it will go viral on the Internet. And even if that is your plan to get famous, ala Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, you will never ever be remembered for anything else. Even if, like Brett Favre, you've been a pro bowl level quarterback forever or if you discover the cure for cancer, you will be remembered as the idiot in the sex tape or picture.

Now, if I were Rex Ryan? I would try and laugh it off. Say it was just a joke for giggles, you're not really in to feet, even though your wife has (cough) pretty feet, it was just meant as a goof between a couple that has been married for 23-years.

Then and only then, after a Super Bowl win or two, will this one go away.