Friday, September 24, 2010

This here more my speed

This is kind of like how I Stand Up Paddle Board Surf, except it is nothing like how I Stand Up Paddle Board Surf.

We fixin’ to get all up in their choners, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Japan refused to let Paris Hilton in their country. Upon hearing this, the United States said; “You can do that?”

A terrorist attempted to blow up Wrigley Field. Then he remembered it was fall when the Cubs blow up on their own.

The Chicago Cubs had a bomb threat, a bat stabbed a player. And this was the good part of their season.

The Senate republicans want to block the repeal of the gay military ban; the republicans feel gay sex should stay where it belongs: with congressional pages and in Minneapolis airport men’s bathrooms.

The Delaware Rep. Senate primary winner is masturbation opponent, Christine O’Donnell. Don’t confuse her with actor, Chris O’Donnell, Chris played a hit man in “29 Palms.” Christine hates a man hitting his palm over 29 times.

The Delaware Senate primary winner is masturbation opponent, Christine O’Donnell, who dabbled in witchcraft and once had a date on a Satanic alter. Suddenly Sarah Palin seeing Russia from her house doesn’t sound so crazy.

At a Madrid swimsuit fashion show, one designer’s models wore masks on the runway. You know who I feel sorry for? The models who got turned down for that job. “Sorry honey, you’re just not pretty enough to wear a mask.”
In Atlanta, two young men have filed a lawsuit against Baptist Bishop Eddie Long accusing him of sexual advances. The bad news is Long could go to jail. The good news is Long has been named an honorary catholic priest.

David Hasselhof was booted from “Dancing with the Stars” That’s too bad, I loved that tango he did with a cheeseburger on the floor.

Gosh, I wonder what the Hof is going to do to console himself?

A Kentucky man blames murdering his wife on too much caffeine. “The best part of waking up is an alibi that sucks.”

“American Idol” announced Stephen Tyler is going to replace Ellen Degeneres. In other words, the dude who sang “Dude Looks Like a Lady” is replacing the lady who looks like a dude.

Sadly, I don’t think Brett Favre’s four-turnover game is going to get better. Today at practice Favre couldn’t watch the game film because he forgot his glasses were on top of his head.

An Indiana billboard touting their public schools read; “The 15 best things about our pubic schools” misspelling public as pubic. Whoever made that sign? What an asshoe.

Since you asked:

Just took my
tuchus on a little tasty trip down memory lane. A classic example of a "Don't show me how strong you are" snack.

At Joe's in Santa Banana, they serve a little
appetizer on the red checkered table-cloth tables of sliced sourdough bread with butter and salsa. Don't sound like much, but each of the three is top notch.

And all three together? Hmmmmmm. Of course, with the strength of drinks they pour at "Joe's" your flip-flops would taste pretty good. Especially with butter and salsa.

Boy, do I need a haircut. Right now, with apologies to Zach Galifinakis, I look like the menacing henchman Ike in "Tombstone." Or the aging gym teacher who still thinks he is hip. Or the harmonica player in the Viva Viagra band. Or the younger brother of the guy who manages Russell Crowe in "Gladiators." Or the former high school star linebacker who left for California to become a stunt man, but ended up selling time shares in Encino.

Not that I am some big time Hollywood insider, but I know what I'm knowin'. And I know the amount of booze, blow and sex rich and famous Hollywood types can engage in and still fly under the radar is borderline obscene.

That's what makes what Andy Dick, Charlie Sheen, Paris Hilton, *Joaquin Phoenix, Lindsay Lohan and David Hasselhof do seem so insanely and stupidly destructive. Not that I have an exact handle on the amounts, but if you have a bottle of champagne, a few lines and a one-nighter with a star/starlet and you think, nahhh, that just ain't enough. You are some kind of world class selfish moron.

Not to preach, anyone can overdo it now and then. But these clowns overdo it and then keep going night after night.That isn't even fun, it is hard work.

To paraphrase the words of Sam "Mayday" Malone of "Cheers," it is a sad day when your buddy Lex is the voice of reason.

*Not buying the Jaoquin/Casey Affleck story about it all being about making a movie. That dude was jacked up but good on Letterman. Letterman is no fool, he knows a Borat from a Farrah Fawcett. Now that he has straightened out a little, if I were Joaquin, I would want people to think it all was an act too.

As Letterman hisself says only so well:

"Ehh, ehh, ehh, ah, no diiiiiiiiiiiiiice."

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I've been places and 'et in Hotels, but I ain't never seen me no Merengue dancing dog before, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In the New York Giants 38-14 loss to the Indianapolis Colts, Giant running back Brandon Jacobs, upset about playing time, threw his helmet into the stands. Jacobs might be the stupidest guy in the league, and that league has a guy who thought hosting dog fights was a good idea.

Carl Paladino, the republican running for New York governor, said Manhattan was filled with smug, pampered, self-important liberal elitists. Upon hearing this, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg became so incensed he slapped his personal tooth brusher, Maurice.

Paris Hilton avoided jail time for her cocaine arrest and received a one-year-probation and 200 hours of community service. The best service Paris Hilton could provide the community is go to jail for a year.

After failing her drug test, a judge ordered Lindsay Lohan to appear in court at 8:30 am on Friday. I still don’t think Lindsay gets it. Upon hearing of the 8:30 am Friday court date, Lindsay said; “Can we make it later on Friday? I’m going to be doing drugs late on Thursday night.”

It was announced Michael Vick is not the starting QB job for the Philadelphia Eagles. Ironically, as a candidate for the starting job, Vick is still an underdog.

It has been a rough time for Reggie Bush, first he broke up with Kim Kardashian, then he had to give back his Heisman Trophy now he broke his leg; this is the worst year anyone named Bush has had who didn’t declare “Mission Accomplished” and choke on a pretzel.

Since you asked:

Daughter, 12: "Dad, why didn't they show Katy Perry on "Sesame Street"?

Me: "I don't know."

Daughter, 12: "Dad, what is cleavage?"

Me: "I don't know."

Daughter, 12: "I Google'd Katy Perry. Dad, why did she sing a song "I Kissed a Girl"?

Me: (Loud guzzling noises from me chugging my wine)

Thanks a lot "Sesame Street." Thanks to you, I am drunk. Now I can't enjoy those snotty jerks at Blockbuster going bankrupt. If only they could have figured out how to charge for rewinding a DVD.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The good news? The National Bureau of Economic Research announced the recession is over. The bad news? The National Bureau of Economic Research was just laid off.

On Sunday, a French quadruple amputee swam the English Channel. Also on Sunday, I was going to order Chinese food delivered, but couldn't because their number was not on my speed dial.

Maybe I am crazy, but I still think we should merge Justin Bieber with Michael Buble and form: Justichael Bieberbub.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Don’t feel bad, Pluto, we’re not planets either, right, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Lindsay Lohan failed her drug test which is too bad, she put so much research into it.

Did you know there was a tornado in New York? It was awful, a house landed on and killed that thing on Donald Trump’s head.

New York Yankee, Derek Jeter, grimaced and grabbed his arm apparently hit by a pitch, was awarded first base and eventually scored. The replay showed the ball hit his bat. It was the greatest acting job in sports since the New York Jets volunteered for a sensitivity training class.

The winner of the Delaware Republican Senate Primary, Christine O’Donnell, is an outspoken opponent of masturbation. Hey, look, lady, we don’t tell you politicians how to lie cheat and steal, so stay the hell out of our hobbies.

An outspoken critic of masturbation, Christine O’Donnell, won the Delaware Senate primary, singer George Michael has to go to jail for drugged-driving and Pee Wee Herman’s Paul Ruebens’s TV career is floundering, all-in-all not a good week for chicken-chokers.

An outspoken critic of masturbation, Christine O’Donnell, won the Delaware Senate primary and if she wins in November, they are going to change the Delaware state motto from “Liberty and Independence” to “What the hell are you doing in the bathroom for so long?”

In Brooklyn, a tornado knocked a church spire onto a car. Somewhere Spencer Pratt has an evil smile while a choir chants Latin in high volume.

Since you asked:

Sunday we did what I like to call: filmed an SUV ad.

Got up early, loaded the car with beach gear and my board and paddle, and headed to A.C.’s soccer game. OK game, but they lost to their rival team the Surf. Then off to La Jolla shores for a paddle brunch. Friends paddled kayaks while I surfed and paddled my stand up board then we had great coffee, fresh OJ and French toast on the beach while my iPod speaker played beach tunes.

Then in a real SUV commercial moment I got to drive my four-wheel-drive SUV on the beach to load up my board.

Then it was home for lots of football - how ‘bout those Bears? - and a barbecue. Grilled carne asada for soft tacos.