Friday, September 24, 2010

This here more my speed

This is kind of like how I Stand Up Paddle Board Surf, except it is nothing like how I Stand Up Paddle Board Surf.

We fixin’ to get all up in their choners, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Japan refused to let Paris Hilton in their country. Upon hearing this, the United States said; “You can do that?”

A terrorist attempted to blow up Wrigley Field. Then he remembered it was fall when the Cubs blow up on their own.

The Chicago Cubs had a bomb threat, a bat stabbed a player. And this was the good part of their season.

The Senate republicans want to block the repeal of the gay military ban; the republicans feel gay sex should stay where it belongs: with congressional pages and in Minneapolis airport men’s bathrooms.

The Delaware Rep. Senate primary winner is masturbation opponent, Christine O’Donnell. Don’t confuse her with actor, Chris O’Donnell, Chris played a hit man in “29 Palms.” Christine hates a man hitting his palm over 29 times.

The Delaware Senate primary winner is masturbation opponent, Christine O’Donnell, who dabbled in witchcraft and once had a date on a Satanic alter. Suddenly Sarah Palin seeing Russia from her house doesn’t sound so crazy.

At a Madrid swimsuit fashion show, one designer’s models wore masks on the runway. You know who I feel sorry for? The models who got turned down for that job. “Sorry honey, you’re just not pretty enough to wear a mask.”
In Atlanta, two young men have filed a lawsuit against Baptist Bishop Eddie Long accusing him of sexual advances. The bad news is Long could go to jail. The good news is Long has been named an honorary catholic priest.

David Hasselhof was booted from “Dancing with the Stars” That’s too bad, I loved that tango he did with a cheeseburger on the floor.

Gosh, I wonder what the Hof is going to do to console himself?

A Kentucky man blames murdering his wife on too much caffeine. “The best part of waking up is an alibi that sucks.”

“American Idol” announced Stephen Tyler is going to replace Ellen Degeneres. In other words, the dude who sang “Dude Looks Like a Lady” is replacing the lady who looks like a dude.

Sadly, I don’t think Brett Favre’s four-turnover game is going to get better. Today at practice Favre couldn’t watch the game film because he forgot his glasses were on top of his head.

An Indiana billboard touting their public schools read; “The 15 best things about our pubic schools” misspelling public as pubic. Whoever made that sign? What an asshoe.

Since you asked:

Just took my
tuchus on a little tasty trip down memory lane. A classic example of a "Don't show me how strong you are" snack.

At Joe's in Santa Banana, they serve a little
appetizer on the red checkered table-cloth tables of sliced sourdough bread with butter and salsa. Don't sound like much, but each of the three is top notch.

And all three together? Hmmmmmm. Of course, with the strength of drinks they pour at "Joe's" your flip-flops would taste pretty good. Especially with butter and salsa.

Boy, do I need a haircut. Right now, with apologies to Zach Galifinakis, I look like the menacing henchman Ike in "Tombstone." Or the aging gym teacher who still thinks he is hip. Or the harmonica player in the Viva Viagra band. Or the younger brother of the guy who manages Russell Crowe in "Gladiators." Or the former high school star linebacker who left for California to become a stunt man, but ended up selling time shares in Encino.

Not that I am some big time Hollywood insider, but I know what I'm knowin'. And I know the amount of booze, blow and sex rich and famous Hollywood types can engage in and still fly under the radar is borderline obscene.

That's what makes what Andy Dick, Charlie Sheen, Paris Hilton, *Joaquin Phoenix, Lindsay Lohan and David Hasselhof do seem so insanely and stupidly destructive. Not that I have an exact handle on the amounts, but if you have a bottle of champagne, a few lines and a one-nighter with a star/starlet and you think, nahhh, that just ain't enough. You are some kind of world class selfish moron.

Not to preach, anyone can overdo it now and then. But these clowns overdo it and then keep going night after night.That isn't even fun, it is hard work.

To paraphrase the words of Sam "Mayday" Malone of "Cheers," it is a sad day when your buddy Lex is the voice of reason.

*Not buying the Jaoquin/Casey Affleck story about it all being about making a movie. That dude was jacked up but good on Letterman. Letterman is no fool, he knows a Borat from a Farrah Fawcett. Now that he has straightened out a little, if I were Joaquin, I would want people to think it all was an act too.

As Letterman hisself says only so well:

"Ehh, ehh, ehh, ah, no diiiiiiiiiiiiiice."