Friday, August 06, 2010

We gonna flip this here beyatch from Nazi to Yahtzee, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

U.C. San Diego researchers have been given a $10 million grant to continue studying schizophrenia. That’s great news for schizophrenics. No it isn’t. Yes it is, they could discover a cure. Oh, they’ll just blow the money. How do you know?

U.C. San Diego researchers have been given a $10 million grant to continue studying schizophrenia. Also, U.C. San Diego researchers have been given a $10 million grant to continue studying schizophrenia.

New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez hit his 600th home run. “That is a great accomplishment and is in no way tainted by performance enhancing drugs;” said nobody who understands sports.

New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez hit his 600th home run. Now that he has his milestone, A-Rod can go back to focusing on what is important: nailing hot celebrity women with low self-esteem.

16-year-old Justin Bieber is publishing his memoirs. Isn’t there a literary rule against someone writing a memoir who is approximately the same age as a good scotch?

Ellen DeGeneres is leaving a multi-million dollar deal with “American Idol” because she didn’t like to hurt people’s feelings. To which Simon Cowel said; “Ha, good one. No, really, why are you leaving?”

A California judge overturned the gay marriage ban; I’m not sure who is happier, gay people who want to get married, or straight married men who want more guys to share their misery.

16-year-old Justin Bieber is penning his memoirs. The longest thing I wrote at 16 was; “I will not lift up Becky Johnson’s skirt” 100 times on the blackboard.

Proposition 8 banning California gay marriages has been overturned and its Shark Week on “Discovery.” Either way, it’s a big week for biting commentary.

Proposition 8 banning California gay marriages has been overturned. Here’s my question: when a gay couple gets married, do they have to hire a straight wedding planner?

Proposition 8 banning California gay marriages has been overturned. Finally, wedding planners can plan their own weddings.

16-year-old Justin Bieber is penning his memoirs. I don’t mean to be a fuddy-duddy, but shouldn’t there be a rule against writing your memoirs before your testicles drop?

Ellen DeGeneres is leaving “American Idol” because she didn’t like to hurt people’s feelings. Which is an odd coincidence because Simon Cowel left because he didn’t get to hurt enough people’s feelings.

“Shark Week’ on the “Discovery” channel is interesting. Sharks are only hostile when feeding from dusk to dawn, they become more hostile when they are protecting their young, but they are the most hostile after getting a phone call from Mel Gibson.

Proposition 8 banning California gay marriage has been overturned. Congratulations to Simon
Cowell and Ryan Seacrest.

“Shark Week’ on the “Discovery” channel is interesting. First we learned about the scary Tiger sharks. Than the even scarier Bull sharks. Than the even scarier Great White sharks, and then, finally, the scariest sharks of all: entertainment and divorce lawyers.

What I think I think I think
First round draft choice, Tim Tebow, is 6.3, 245 of solid muscle. If Denver puts him in a Wildcat-like backfield with a strong-armed QB who can also run, and Tebow gets 20 rushes a game and the QB takes 10, defenses will not know whether to drop a deuce or cluck like a chicken.

If they don’t bust the running game wide open, the passing defense will be ultra vulnerable, especially deep.

Unfortunately we’ve all had to deal with government workers.

From surly DMV clerks to rude city officials, I personally have encountered apathy and hostility on a level that approaches abuse. Have you ever tried to report it? It won’t happen.

From the lowest government worker to their highest boss, government workers have just one motivation: to keep their job. This means any ambition, hard work or pride in their efforts goes right out the window. They are going to cover their ass over and over again unless they’re busy covering their co-worker’s asses.

For most of us, their incompetence and sloth only results in more time in line or mail being delivered a few days late. For all of us this results in billions and billions of tax dollars being wasted.

Sadly, here in San Diego, this fierce government worker laziness and apathy resulted in the brutal tortured murder of two beautiful teenage girls, Chelsea King and Amber DeBois. All of the government employed judges, lawyers and parole officers essentially allowed a known violent sex offender with a published account of a freakish taste for violating and hurting young women, John Gardner, to go free despite countless parole violations. Not one of those horrifically inept government workers –and I’ve been following this tragedy closely - has been so much as reprimanded, let alone fired.

Until government workers have the same level of accountability as the private sector, our economy, our security, our way of life is always going to be suspect. When you confront impolite and uncooperative workers in the private sector, people get demoted or fired.

In the government, they get protected.

On a lighter note:

Why hath thou forsaken me, DSC? Listener Lex has been kicked to the curb.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

We getting’ her done on the run in the sun, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

16-year-old Justin Bieber is writing his memoirs; the only thing I wrote when I was 16 was a letter to “Penthouse” and it was a lie about what happened with my hot babysitter.

It will be the first memoir published entirely in text message abbreviations. BTW, LOL, OMG, I’M16, WTF?

There was a huge crowd of people waiting to see “Jersey Shore’s” Snooki’s release from jail. And that concludes this weeks: “Statement my Aunt Mary-Gus will never understand.”

For what is about the third or fourth time, Brett Favre has hinted that me may or may not retire. I’m starting to believe this guy didn’t get enough attention as a child.

16-year-old Justin Bieber is publishing his memoirs; or as Bieber’s editor calls it: babysitting.

Before hitting his 600th, Alex Rodriguez, A-Rod was mired in a 0-46 homer slump after his 599th home run. It was so serious A-Rod was thinking of switching from human growth hormones back to steroids.

Bristol Palin has broken off her engagement with Levi Johnston. Again. Even Brett Favre is saying: make up your mind.

It is “Shark Week” on the “Discovery” channel. Friday has a great episode; “Jersey Shore’s” Snooki gets eaten by a great white shark. And she turns the great white orange.

38 billionaires, including Warrant Buffet and Bill Gates, have agreed to donate half of their fortunes to charity. As opposed to Tiger Woods, Tiger donated half his fortune to his wife when she found out about a stripper named Charity.

Doctors say a Michigan man’s life was saved when his dog chewed off his infected toe while he slept. The man was extremely grateful to his dog, Kiko, but even more grateful he did not also have an STD.

Since you asked:

CBS talk show host, Craig Ferguson, was on a shark episode on “Discovery” and it was amazing. At one point Ferguson was free diving – no cage - and feeding a school of five-to-six- foot sharks and it was ethereally beautiful as they swam back and forth almost dancing in the crystal blue water.

One of the coolest things I have ever seen.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

What we need is an app for the app for the app’s app, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

CBS will premiere a new show this fall called “The Talk.” It features six mothers all talking about their children, or as I call it: Hell.

Another special interest group is protesting that the cast of “Jersey Shore” is giving them a bad name. That special interest group is called: Human beings.

Now it seems the Bristol Palin-Levi Johnston engagement is off for the second time because he may have gotten another girl pregnant. This isn’t a couple, this is a country music song on crack.

16-year-old Justin Bieber is publishing his memoirs. Do you really get to write your memoirs when you still are legally required to have a baby sitter?

16-year-old Justin Bieber is publishing his memoirs. Chapter One: ‘Life is like combing your hair: always go forward.’

Many people find it hard to believe that the cast of “Jersey Shore” can be as vain, stupid and shallow as they are. These people are called: People who have never been to the Jersey Shore.

NFL training camps open this week. Hundreds of football players vying to make 53 available spots. And that’s just the guys who will to date Kim Kardashian.

Northwestern University has a machine that reads brain waves to detect terrorist attacks. They’ve determined terrorists are most motivated to attack the US right after watching an episode of “Jersey Shore.”

“Jersey Shore’s ” “Snookie” was arrested this weekend. She was charged with disturbing the peace and the lesser charge of having a nickname that is way cuter than she deserves.

Right where they film “Jersey Shore” with Snookie, a shark washed up on the beach. It was smelly, slimy, stupid and scary. And besides Snookie, there was a shark.

Since you asked:

Watched “Discovery” channel’s shark attack episode that covered the fatal attack on our local beloved veterinarian and triathlete, Dr. David Martin, over two years ago.

They interviewed triathlete Debbie Noble. Talk about aptly named. She was swimming ten yards from Dr. Martin when he was attacked 100 yards offshore by a 15 foot great white shark and she swam to help him.

As someone who has been twenty yards away from a 15-foot great white shark while stand up paddle boarding – probably the same shark – almost exactly a year later, I can tell you the sense of panic and hysteria to get out of the water is almost overwhelming.

The fact that Debbie Noble swam towards her mortally wounded friend – at one point she said the dorsal fin was between her and the bloody water surrounding David – speaks of a level of bravery and selflessness that is almost beyond comprehension. We all would like to think we would react like that, but, trust me, it is not that simple.

And all of Dr. Martins friends came to his aide as well once Debbie cried for help; then they all swam him in to the beach.

Sadly, Dr. Martin did not make it. But he died doing what he loved among friends who risked their lives despite incredible danger and abject terror. It is my firm belief Debbie Noble has a very thankful and fit angel looking over her now and forever.

On a lighter note:

Not sure if you are, but you should be a regular on “Funny or Die” website. Check out the “Idiots” with Kate Bosworth and that other really hot chick. Zoe Saldana, I think her name is.

All of the clips feature either really rich and famous people or really poor and unknown people who have two things in common: they’re funny and they look hungover. Except for Zach Galifinakis. He is really funny and he looks really hungover.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Look out, everybody, it's another surfin' daaaaaaaaaawwwwg!

Happy Birthday to the Stinker, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Laurence Fishburne’s 19-year-old daughter, Montana, is launching a porno tape. Montana said she wants to become famous just like Kim Kardashian. I’ll take: What is every father’s worst nightmare? For $500, Alex.

Laurence Fishburne’s 19-year-old daughter, Montana, is launching a porno tape she said she wants to become famous just like Kim Kardashian. Hey, if Laurence didn’t want Montana to become a porn star he shouldn’t have named her like one.

Laurence Fishburne’s 19-year-old daughter, Montana, is launching a porno tape. Listen, fathers, for the last time: if you don’t want your baby girl to grow up to be a porn star, don’t name them: Montana, Dakota, Brandi or Candi.

In New Jersey “Jersey Shore” Snookie was arrested for disturbing the peace. And here I thought Snookie couldn’t get arrested as a TV personality.

On “American Idol” judges Ellen DeGeneres quit and Kara La Guardia was fired. There is a rumor they are thinking about bringing Paula Abdul back. When asked to comment, Paula Abdul said; “So, when did I leave American Idol?”

An Atlanta Wendys was robbed of $586 and the thief called back twice to complain about the small amount he stole. Congratulations to the winner of the World’s Biggest Douche-Bag contest.

There are amazing US military secrets published on WikiLeaks. For example, did you know Osama bin Laden was going to declare a truce against the US until he saw “Jersey Shore”?

Since you asked:
What an incredible day Stand Up Paddle board surfing Sunday. Headed out at La Jolla Shores, paddled North to Scripps Pier and then just north. There is a little private beach I had to myself with some tasty 3 foot waves. Greatest session ever. Went right, went left, rode them all the way in to shore or kicked out.

Great fun, incredible work out. Carnitas tacos, a couple of Maggies and it was bedtime for Bonzo. Monday came around and I was still happily exhausted. Or churfed out as my ol’ Long Beach buddy Jack Knapp used to say.

“Ah yes, ah yes, white fluid, ah yes.”

Vanity, ignorance and uselessness, thy name is Snooki

One of the many things I will never understand about modern celebrities is how so many of these worthless celebutants, like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian and that grievously evil pile of oily fetid lard, Brandon Davis, can continue to be oblivious to the fact they are so universally despised. Maybe not by their immediate circle of butt smoochers and sycophants, but they are despised by nearly everyone else.

When Conan O’Brien tried to tell a joke that began: “Paris Hilton is going to jail . . .” the applause and cheering that ensued was so long and loud he made a bit about taking a break while it lasted: getting his shoes shined, walking a dog, microwaving a snack. This went on for over a week.

How is it someone didn’t call her and roughly say;

“Uh, dude, night after night, many hundreds of Conan’s random audience members go nuts with joy at the thought of you getting locked up. That’s not good.”

But Paris continues to truly believe the vast majority of people are her devoted fans.

How do all of those waste-of-space douche bags on “Jersey Shore” not know they are a running joke about how stupid, shallow, vapid, vain and spoiled people in our country can be?

Have you ever noticed?

When somebody pronounces a specific word unusually, they seem to use that word all of the time?

We used to work on the golf course with this guy from Wisconsin who pronounced creek crick. Not sure if he even gave it any time on the I, it was just crk. He was always talking about going up to the crk, or fishing at the crk, or fallin’ in the crk.

This other red neck dude I knew pronounced bushes booshes. Every story he told seem to involve somebody peeing in the booshes, or somebody passing out in boooooshes. The drunker he got, the more O’s the word boooooooshes grew.

My great Aunt had a thick Chicago accent, but it was never quite as thick as when she talked about Dahnooose. When you watch the news on TV you’re watching Dahnooose. Is it time for Dahnoose yet? What channel do you watch Dahnoose on? Do you know what I heard on Dahnoose?

One of our local San Diego morning show DJ’s fancies himself quite the car guy and he goes way out of his way to pronounce Jaguar with three syllables. We try to tell him, that if you pronounce Jaguar with three syllables, it just proves what a jag you are.

My lovely wife, Virg, pronounces insurance as Innn . . .shurnce. She says it all the time. It’s a Colorado thang.

One summer when I got back to Chicago from California, it suddenly struck me how often and hard the pretty girls I knew used the word guys. And they hit the s in guys harder than Dick Butkus used to hit quarterbacks.

Hey you guysssssssssssss. Where you guysssssssssssss going with those guysssssssssssss?”

When I got back to Santa Barbara from Chicagop, my friends said I did the same thing with the word Chicago. Now I know I didn’t say it like this, but when they imitated me, it sounded like Tschuhhh-caaaahhhhh-goooo.

But they were stoned when they did it. And I used to make fun of how they, most of them surfers, pronounced gnarly. You could fall asleep and wake up before they were done with the arrrrrr part of gnaaarrrrrrrly.

Pirate wannabes is that they was.

When I worked in New York there is a word many used called tootreee. It means a couple or more.

“I had a piece of brajole stuck in my teeth toootreee days. I had it stuck in there toootreee days.”

Italian guys like to say things twice. They like to say them twice.

Monday, August 02, 2010

No, I love your show, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

President Barack Obama was on “The View.” It was pretty impressive, he was 9 for 16 in attempts to get a word in sideways.

You know what’s coming back into style? Old fashioned names for girls like Gertrude, Mable, Beatrice, Alice and Doris. And if you want a really old name for a girl? Name her Barbra Walters.

Elmhurst, Illinois is going to pass a law against eye-rolling. Oh, brother, like that’ll really work.

Lindsay Lohan is getting out of the slammer. In Las Vegas you can place a bet on whether Lindsay got a teardrop tattoo by her eye or not.

Lindsay Lohan is getting out of the slammer. Lindsay’s been using her jail time wisely, though, mostly working on her new screenplay; “I Will Shiv a Bitch.”

Microsoft is getting ready to unveil a new slogan they claim will better represent their company. It’s: “Microsoft, no longer locking up whenever . . . oh crap.”

In San Diego, police confiscated $1.4 million dollars of marijuana on Highland Ave. And you won’t believe how much pot they found on Wasted Way and Baked Blvd.

The military secrets published on WikiLeaks are amazing. Did you know Osama bin Laden produced a kid’s sitcom on al Jazeera network called; “The Suite Life of Zach and Akmed”?

It’s been so hot in New York City, in Times Square an alert t-shirt vendor stopped a terrorist from blowing up an ice cream truck.

MTV is launching a “Jersey Shore” video game on the Internet. The “Jersey Shore” video game is like “Grand Theft Auto” only with more skanky ho’s, oily dirtbags, violence and utter morons.

Since you asked:

Welcome back DSC on 100.7 Jack FM. Long a perk of living in San Diego, the morning drive team of Dave, Shelly and Chainsaw was like having a bunch of your funny friends goofing with you in the morning.

It’s not all there quite yet. Shelly isn’t back – but I gather she will be – and I can’t get an e-mail returned from my guy. But it is nice to hear them again.