Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Look out, everybody, it's another surfin' daaaaaaaaaawwwwg!

Happy Birthday to the Stinker, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Laurence Fishburne’s 19-year-old daughter, Montana, is launching a porno tape. Montana said she wants to become famous just like Kim Kardashian. I’ll take: What is every father’s worst nightmare? For $500, Alex.

Laurence Fishburne’s 19-year-old daughter, Montana, is launching a porno tape she said she wants to become famous just like Kim Kardashian. Hey, if Laurence didn’t want Montana to become a porn star he shouldn’t have named her like one.

Laurence Fishburne’s 19-year-old daughter, Montana, is launching a porno tape. Listen, fathers, for the last time: if you don’t want your baby girl to grow up to be a porn star, don’t name them: Montana, Dakota, Brandi or Candi.

In New Jersey “Jersey Shore” Snookie was arrested for disturbing the peace. And here I thought Snookie couldn’t get arrested as a TV personality.

On “American Idol” judges Ellen DeGeneres quit and Kara La Guardia was fired. There is a rumor they are thinking about bringing Paula Abdul back. When asked to comment, Paula Abdul said; “So, when did I leave American Idol?”

An Atlanta Wendys was robbed of $586 and the thief called back twice to complain about the small amount he stole. Congratulations to the winner of the World’s Biggest Douche-Bag contest.

There are amazing US military secrets published on WikiLeaks. For example, did you know Osama bin Laden was going to declare a truce against the US until he saw “Jersey Shore”?

Since you asked:
What an incredible day Stand Up Paddle board surfing Sunday. Headed out at La Jolla Shores, paddled North to Scripps Pier and then just north. There is a little private beach I had to myself with some tasty 3 foot waves. Greatest session ever. Went right, went left, rode them all the way in to shore or kicked out.

Great fun, incredible work out. Carnitas tacos, a couple of Maggies and it was bedtime for Bonzo. Monday came around and I was still happily exhausted. Or churfed out as my ol’ Long Beach buddy Jack Knapp used to say.

“Ah yes, ah yes, white fluid, ah yes.”

Vanity, ignorance and uselessness, thy name is Snooki

One of the many things I will never understand about modern celebrities is how so many of these worthless celebutants, like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian and that grievously evil pile of oily fetid lard, Brandon Davis, can continue to be oblivious to the fact they are so universally despised. Maybe not by their immediate circle of butt smoochers and sycophants, but they are despised by nearly everyone else.

When Conan O’Brien tried to tell a joke that began: “Paris Hilton is going to jail . . .” the applause and cheering that ensued was so long and loud he made a bit about taking a break while it lasted: getting his shoes shined, walking a dog, microwaving a snack. This went on for over a week.

How is it someone didn’t call her and roughly say;

“Uh, dude, night after night, many hundreds of Conan’s random audience members go nuts with joy at the thought of you getting locked up. That’s not good.”

But Paris continues to truly believe the vast majority of people are her devoted fans.

How do all of those waste-of-space douche bags on “Jersey Shore” not know they are a running joke about how stupid, shallow, vapid, vain and spoiled people in our country can be?

Have you ever noticed?

When somebody pronounces a specific word unusually, they seem to use that word all of the time?

We used to work on the golf course with this guy from Wisconsin who pronounced creek crick. Not sure if he even gave it any time on the I, it was just crk. He was always talking about going up to the crk, or fishing at the crk, or fallin’ in the crk.

This other red neck dude I knew pronounced bushes booshes. Every story he told seem to involve somebody peeing in the booshes, or somebody passing out in boooooshes. The drunker he got, the more O’s the word boooooooshes grew.

My great Aunt had a thick Chicago accent, but it was never quite as thick as when she talked about Dahnooose. When you watch the news on TV you’re watching Dahnooose. Is it time for Dahnoose yet? What channel do you watch Dahnoose on? Do you know what I heard on Dahnoose?

One of our local San Diego morning show DJ’s fancies himself quite the car guy and he goes way out of his way to pronounce Jaguar with three syllables. We try to tell him, that if you pronounce Jaguar with three syllables, it just proves what a jag you are.

My lovely wife, Virg, pronounces insurance as Innn . . .shurnce. She says it all the time. It’s a Colorado thang.

One summer when I got back to Chicago from California, it suddenly struck me how often and hard the pretty girls I knew used the word guys. And they hit the s in guys harder than Dick Butkus used to hit quarterbacks.

Hey you guysssssssssssss. Where you guysssssssssssss going with those guysssssssssssss?”

When I got back to Santa Barbara from Chicagop, my friends said I did the same thing with the word Chicago. Now I know I didn’t say it like this, but when they imitated me, it sounded like Tschuhhh-caaaahhhhh-goooo.

But they were stoned when they did it. And I used to make fun of how they, most of them surfers, pronounced gnarly. You could fall asleep and wake up before they were done with the arrrrrr part of gnaaarrrrrrrly.

Pirate wannabes is that they was.

When I worked in New York there is a word many used called tootreee. It means a couple or more.

“I had a piece of brajole stuck in my teeth toootreee days. I had it stuck in there toootreee days.”

Italian guys like to say things twice. They like to say them twice.