Friday, July 23, 2010

What a sport

I’m a I’m a I’m a I’m a hum a hum a hum a, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A report indicates Viagra can cause temporary hearing loss in men. Guys, you can have sex, you just can’t hear the woman talk afterwards. In a related story, Viagra sales have skyrocketed.

In South Africa a whale breached and broke the mast of a sailboat. Both whale and sailor are fine, but there is a nautical term for losing your mast to a whale. It’s called being Kirsty Alley’d.

Bad news for the iPhone 4, first the antenna didn’t work and it dropped calls, then they tried to replace it with a regular iPhone, if things get any worse the iPhone it will start leaking oil in the gulf.

The iPhone has this wild new app. It actually allows you to have a conversation with another person that ends when you want it to. I know, crazy, huh?

Another app allows you to tie a string from you iPhone to a tin can so you can actually have a conversation with another person.

The comic book convention, “Comic-Con” is in San Diego. You can always tell when “Comic-Con” is in town, the hookers start brushing up on their Klingon language and Dungeons and Dragoons rule book.

Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 90 days in jail, but she will only serve 9 days. That’s when you know someone is difficult to work with, when they terminate their jail agreement early.

Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 90 days in jail, but she will only serve 9 days. It didn’t work out, rumor was Lindsay was always showing up late and unprepared, so they’re letting her go early.

Since you asked:

One of the keys to success is being able to spot trends and act accordingly. In comedy writing, I have noticed a trend that is spreading across society like an epidemic and it is increasing exponentially. That trend is people’s sensitivity against, and intolerance for, any political or social view not exactly like their own.

Back in the Seventies, Johnny Carson could tell jokes on republicans and democrats and both sides would laugh. Back then, you could have fairly civilized dinner conversations debating both sides and nobody would threaten legal action or violence.

But because of unilateral political correctness, hyper-sensitivity, increased litigation and rampant entitlement, a comedy writer could write the funniest joke in the world about republicans and Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin are not only not going to laugh, they will become furious.

It’s the exact same thing with the left and democrats, like Barbara Boxer and Janeane Garofalo. It has gotten so ridiculous any concession by one side to the other’s side is tantamount to defeat and rolling over, even snickering at a joke.

So what is a comedy writer, like myself, to do?

Write sports jokes.

Besides the notable exception of the great Stangel brothers of “Late Show with David Letterman” fame, Eric and Justin, most comedy writers, for whatever demographic reason, do not know first base from a first down. (Yes, Stangels, that was a shameless attempt at sucking up to you if you were thinking of hiring me)

Maybe because many comedians were the class clown and used humor to avoid being picked on by the jocks, but for whatever reason, many comedy writers and comedians are virtually sports blind.

When the emotional wounds from September 11th were still raw, about a week after, and making jokes about our government in any way smacked of betrayal, and yet, people had recovered enough to want to laugh about something again, you could joke about sports and nobody got upset.

Liberal or democrat we knew George Steinbrenner, RIP, was a loud, pushy blowhard. Despite everything that happened to New York, the Knicks still couldn’t suck harder than if they had rubber lips.

The other great thing about sports is that it is a topic people can be deeply passionate about and yet still retain a since of humor about. Try that with gun control laws or women’s rights.

No matter how deeply passionate the World Cup announcers felt about soccer in general and their country’s team specifically, everyone could laugh at how annoying the vuvuzela horns were or how much a team like France sucked. Well, except the French, but the list of things the French can laugh about is about as long as the book of French war heroes.

What am I working on?

Currently I am writing a rom-com about a bromance buddy flick between a metro-sexual and a retro-sexual who sext-message exes for booty calls thanks to frien
ds-with-benefits, but are C-blocked due to their ex’s BFFs hating on their bros-before-ho’s chillaxitude.

The working title?

"When Did Everyone Turn Into a Douche-Bag?"

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Well slap me happy and call me Betty, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Lindsay Lohan is in jail. You have to admit it takes some of the sting out of not being able to catch Osama bin Laden.

I’m not sure about you, but, boy, with Lindsay in jail, I do feel a lot safer.

In Mexico City, a man was arrested for trying to smuggle 18 tiny monkeys in his girdle. The last thing you want is to go to prison labeled as the guy who smuggles monkeys in his girdle.

A study contends there is a growing social trend of wealthy suburban housewives having casual lesbian affairs. Do you realize what this means? “The Real Housewives of Orange County” may watch “Oprah,” but they really want to be on “Ellen.”

A South African golfer, Louis Oosthuizen, (WHUST-hy-zen) won the British Open. How many ever heard of this Oosthuizen guy? Be honest, how many thought a Oosthuizen was the part of the female anatomy that got Tiger Woods in trouble?

Miami Heat star, Dwayne Wade, is in trouble for comparing NBA losses to the World Trade Center collapse. Give the guy a break, Wade is a great player, but, honestly, when was the last time the Nobel Prize was won by a guy named Dwayne?

It is likely that the NBA will lock out its players next season due to contract disagreements. But don’t worry, if you want to watch rich prima donnas who have multiple affairs in action, you can always watch congress on “C-Span.”

An Air France flight bound for Paris had to return to Brazil because the flight crew assumed the bathrooms were malfunctioning. It turns out the bathrooms were fine, the smell was coming off the French passengers.

In Washington State, a Ferry had to avoid hitting a sailboat and then the four sailors mooned the ferry. Witnesses on the ferry say the four Washington state yachtsmen set an unofficial world record for having the four whitest asses in history.

More tapes emerging of Mel Gibson screaming threatening obscenities and racial and sexual slurs at his ex-girlfriend. Hollywood insiders were shocked. Mel Gibson returned her phone call? Impressive.

Since you asked:

It is hilarious how the little things can get to you.

My album of the summer is the Rolling Stones “Exile on Main Street” Although not the album of a ton of hits, it is incredibly diverse and gritty. Although it isn’t one of my favorite songs, “Just Want To See His Face” is one of my favorite tracks because it captures so well the story of the Stones recording in the basement of a mansion in the South of France. The tribal drums echo with the women’s sexy chants to Mick’s howlin’.

When the girls chime in on their vocals I picture them as hot babes in bikinis singing in the hot, sweaty, dark, dirty basement. You can smell the salt air and hear wine corks popping just up stairs in the grand candlelit elegant dinning hall. As guitar great Ry Cooder once described, you can hear the room in the recording.

At a time when my whole world seemed like Nixon’s sweaty upper lip, avocado polyester leisure suits and gas lines, the Stones recording “Exile” in an exotic Mediterranean basement was the epitome of coolness.

Then I buy and watch the documentary “Exile on Main Street” and what do I see? The vocals were recorded at the plush Sound Factory on Sunset Blvd. Although hot babes, the girl singers were dressed in t-shirts and jeans in a California-chic room with wood panels and Oriental rugs.

So bummed was your buddy, Lex.

When did your buddy, Lex, start referring to himself in the third person?

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

It is so on it is on’r than on on on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

On a Twitter message, Sarah Palin defended her use of a made-up word, refudiate, by comparing herself to Shakespeare. If Sarah Palin is like Shakespeare that makes George W. Bush like Einstein.

The iPhone 4 has turned into a nightmare, first the antenna didn’t work, now Apple is offering to replace it with another iPhone, if things get any worse they’ll have to re-name it: Toyota.

At the British Open a live camera caught Tiger Woods dropping a number of F-bombs after missing a putt. You think Tiger was pissed-off then? Wait until he has to write a $100 million dollar check to his ex-wife’s lawyer.

At the British Open, Tiger Woods tried to use a new putter, but then he wasn’t doing well, so he switched back to his old putter, finally Tiger settled on going with some strange putter he met at happy hour at the Orlando Hooters.

In San Diego, a thief pulled off a bank robbery and escaped on his skateboard. That’s amazing, the skateboarders I see can’t pull off anything they try.

Police have described the suspect as armed and an utter douche bag.

It has been so hot in Los Angeles, Mel Gibson went to Danny Glover’s house just to get the cold shoulder.

A virtual unknown South African golfer named Louis Oosthuizen (WHUST-hy-zen) won the British Open. To give you an idea how unknown he is, before he won the British Open, even Oosthuizen didn’t know how to pronounce his name.

While his Tour De France continues, Lance Armstrong is under federal investigation for using performance enhancing drugs. That is shocking. They still hold the Tour De France? I thought that ended years ago.

This has been a great time for sports in South Africa, they just hosted a great soccer World Cup, South African Louis Oosthuizen won the British Open, and virtually nobody in South Africa has had to hear about LeBron James moving from Cleveland to Miami.

At the British Open, Tiger Woods continued his slump finishing tied for 23rd. Watching Tiger, if you didn’t know better, you would almost get the impression he is exhausted from pursuing some tiring off-the-golf-course activity.

Last week in Vienna, we traded Russia ten of their spies for four of our spies back. That may sound like a bad deal, but we tricked them and threw in John Edwards and Mel Gibson.

Since you asked:

Good news for many of us in San Diego. Our morning radio team is back, the Dave, Shelly and Chainsaw Show on Jack FM, 100.7 FM.. When they went off the 101.5 KGB air in January, it hit me harder than most because I wrote part time for the show. Although I would like to continue contributing, my contact hasn't made any contact despite two e-mails to their online column.

Oh well, I will listen to the show because, whether I get paid to listen or not, they are funny and talented.

Welcome back, DSC. My new band is Monkeys in the Girdle.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

But what is and what should never be, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A San Diego bank robber used a skateboard for his getaway. Authorities described the man as armed and extremely gnarly.

A 56-year-old Ottawa high school teacher was sentenced to six months in jail for assigning his students to masturbate. Sort of brings a whole new and ugly meaning to graduating cum laude.

Manchester, KY is the fattest city in the country. Manchester KY is so fat, the high school mascot is the Fighting Kirsty Ally’s.

Police apprehended the barefoot bandit after a high speed boat chase in the Bahamas. It goes to show you can’t escape jail by fleeing to a foreign country. Unless you’re Roman Polanski.

More of these crazy Mel Gibson phone calls. We’ve all said things we regret in anger, but wow. If you listen carefully, you can actually hear Mel’s head spin around and pea soup spew from his mouth.

A mailman in England was fired after he dumped over 400 letters because he couldn’t read them because he was dyslexic. You know the real reason they fired the dyslexic postman? He didn’t give a carp about delivering the liam.

The movie “Twilight Saga: Eclipse” features more vampires. We need more vampires like we need more annoying plastic horn vuvuzelas. In fact, you know the difference between a vampire and a vuvuzela? One sucks, whereas the other one really sucks.

Have you seen the “Funny or Die” clip where they disguise Jewel and have her sing her songs at a Karaoke bar? It’s cool, Jewel blows the Karaoke bar away. This also marks the first time in history the words cool and Karaoke bar have ever appeared together.

A female Washington reporter has accused Al Gore of trying to force his tongue down her throat. Who could have ever guessed Al Gore uses his tongue more than Joe Biden?

Manchester, KY is the fattest city in the country; Manchester is so fat, the city motto is: “Ya’ll gonna finish that?”

Since you freaking asked:
Man, do I love to work out. It makes me feel great; it clears my mind allowing me to work and create better; it fills me with a sense of accomplishment; it gives me a better appetite which makes food taste better, wine taste better; working out helps me sleep better and I wake up feeling more refreshed, and, last and slowly but surely, it is making me look better and fitter.

So why the hell do I want to blow off my work out so freaking much right now?”