What a sport

I’m a I’m a I’m a I’m a hum a hum a hum a, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


A report indicates Viagra can cause temporary hearing loss in men. Guys, you can have sex, you just can’t hear the woman talk afterwards. In a related story, Viagra sales have skyrocketed.


In South Africa a whale breached and broke the mast of a sailboat. Both whale and sailor are fine, but there is a nautical term for losing your mast to a whale. It’s called being Kirsty Alley’d.


Bad news for the iPhone 4, first the antenna didn’t work and it dropped calls, then they tried to replace it with a regular iPhone, if things get any worse the iPhone it will start leaking oil in the gulf.


The iPhone has this wild new app. It actually allows you to have a conversation with another person that ends when you want it to. I know, crazy, huh?


Another app allows you to tie a string from you iPhone to a tin can so you can actually have a conversation with another person.


The comic book convention, “Comic-Con” is in San Diego. You can always tell when “Comic-Con” is in town, the hookers start brushing up on their Klingon language and Dungeons and Dragoons rule book.


Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 90 days in jail, but she will only serve 9 days. That’s when you know someone is difficult to work with, when they terminate their jail agreement early.


Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 90 days in jail, but she will only serve 9 days. It didn’t work out, rumor was Lindsay was always showing up late and unprepared, so they’re letting her go early.

Since you asked:

One of the keys to success is being able to spot trends and act accordingly. In comedy writing, I have noticed a trend that is spreading across society like an epidemic and it is increasing exponentially. That trend is people’s sensitivity against, and intolerance for, any political or social view not exactly like their own.

Back in the Seventies, Johnny Carson could tell jokes on republicans and democrats and both sides would laugh. Back then, you could have fairly civilized dinner conversations debating both sides and nobody would threaten legal action or violence.

But because of unilateral political correctness, hyper-sensitivity, increased litigation and rampant entitlement, a comedy writer could write the funniest joke in the world about republicans and Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin are not only not going to laugh, they will become furious.

It’s the exact same thing with the left and democrats, like Barbara Boxer and Janeane Garofalo. It has gotten so ridiculous any concession by one side to the other’s side is tantamount to defeat and rolling over, even snickering at a joke.

So what is a comedy writer, like myself, to do?

Write sports jokes.

Besides the notable exception of the great Stangel brothers of “Late Show with David Letterman” fame, Eric and Justin, most comedy writers, for whatever demographic reason, do not know first base from a first down. (Yes, Stangels, that was a shameless attempt at sucking up to you if you were thinking of hiring me)

Maybe because many comedians were the class clown and used humor to avoid being picked on by the jocks, but for whatever reason, many comedy writers and comedians are virtually sports blind.

When the emotional wounds from September 11th were still raw, about a week after, and making jokes about our government in any way smacked of betrayal, and yet, people had recovered enough to want to laugh about something again, you could joke about sports and nobody got upset.

Liberal or democrat we knew George Steinbrenner, RIP, was a loud, pushy blowhard. Despite everything that happened to New York, the Knicks still couldn’t suck harder than if they had rubber lips.

The other great thing about sports is that it is a topic people can be deeply passionate about and yet still retain a since of humor about. Try that with gun control laws or women’s rights.

No matter how deeply passionate the World Cup announcers felt about soccer in general and their country’s team specifically, everyone could laugh at how annoying the vuvuzela horns were or how much a team like France sucked. Well, except the French, but the list of things the French can laugh about is about as long as the book of French war heroes.

What am I working on?

Currently I am writing a rom-com about a bromance buddy flick between a metro-sexual and a retro-sexual who sext-message exes for booty calls thanks to friends-with-benefits, but are C-blocked due to their ex’s BFFs hating on their bros-before-ho’s chillaxitude.

The working title?

"When Did Everyone Turn Into a Douche-Bag?"